W
Walterross
Guest
Hi everyone. I didn’t know what else to do so I’m posting my question here. I’m sorry if it’s in the wrong place. I was just wondering how to deal with feelings of depression and anxiety and even hopelessness in college. I am a 19 year old male and go to a very small university. Like really small. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced depression while in college. I’ve had depression since my sophomore or junior year of high school. Growing up, my father was emotionally and physically abusive to my mother, and even to me and my little brother. It was never truly peaceful at home. I could not stand to be around my parents when they were in the same house/room together. After about 17 years with my father, my mother couldn’t take any more and got a restraining order and he was kicked out of our home. While this was peaceful, I as a caring person/catholic, worried about the well-being of my father. Not even a week after this, my mom got the results from some tests that she went to the doctor for. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was traumatizing for me and I didn’t know what the future held. After about two years of treatments and surgeries, she’s doing much better now. I think these experiences messed me up mentally. I also want to do God’s will in my life. In college, it seems like nobody is living to please God, but to please themselves. Going to such a small school, I find it hard to good friends with similar values as me. I don’t party or drink or even have sex. I go as far as not objectifying women like most college males do. I feel like I’m all alone at school. My social anxiety makes it very hard to make friends. My depression has hit a point where I feel so lonely and that no one except my family cares for me. We are also not completely well off financially, living paycheck to paycheck. I want to work to help support my mother but my social anxiety prevents me from applying anywhere out of fear of people. All work study jobs at my school require social interaction. I’m afraid of this. I feel worthless because I shouldn’t feel like this. I also do not know what God wants me to do with my life. I have changed my major once and I’m afraid I’ll keep doing so until I run out of funds for school. I can’t even speak up in class because of my anxiety. This makes me feel less than everyone and I feel like I’m too scared to search for catholic friends at my newman club on campus. Social anxiety holds me back in every aspect of life. Feeling like this leads me to be severely depressed. I have suicidal thoughts on almost a daily basis that I would be better off dead. I’m seeing a therapist about my problems but I feel like I’ll never feel better. Also the price of it is adding up and I feel like its more financial pressure on my single mother who is supporting my little brother and I on her own. She says its worth it but I just feel worthless. I’m not good at anything. I have lost motivation to do things I once loved like working out and playing guitar. I also question why God allows this, especially when I give up so much to please him. I just feel like I need to go to feel better. The only thing keeping me here is my family.