Despair and Confession

[Lucretius]

Background: I suffer from some sort of emotional/mental problem(s), and I just read this:

olrl.org/snt_docs/num_sins.shtml

“Bear, I beseech thee, my sin, and return with me, that I may adore the Lord” – I Kings 15:25. But, knowing that God had abandoned Saul, Samuel answered: “I will not return with thee, because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord hath rejected thee,” etc. – 5:26. Saul, you have abandoned God, and He has abandoned you.

I’m absolutely terrified, for I’m probably in a state of mortal sin right now.

I don’t really know what I should do right now: I even think my posting here is an act of vanity. Has God abandoned my right now? Should I avoid sleeping lest I die in my sleep tonight and receive my punishment? Should I refuse to drive lest I burn up in a car accident, leading to my burn up in Hell? I feel like I should find a safe, cushioned room to hide in.

And the greater has been His patience, the more severe His vengeance.

Behold the threat of the Lord against all who despise His calls: “Because I have called and you refused,…I also will laugh in your destruction, and will mock when that shall come to you which you feared”

I’m a middle class white American, who has been given so many gifts that I waste on myself! How do you " not despair?" I don’t really think I know how to “not despair,” if that makes any sense.

Everyday I have noticed more and more since my conversion all the sins I commit daily, and all the wicked habits (that lead to both mortal and venial sins) I have developed, and I’m on the edge of despair, for I have no idea how to even approach stopping them. What can I do?

And despair is itself a mortal sin, and feel like I’m stuck in a hopeless circle of sin. I go from committing one mortal sin to another, and the only way to avoid depair it seems is a form of presumption, which is also a mortal sin

Related to what I’ve written above: St. Alphonsus says in the sermon:

But who promises you tomorrow? Who assures you that you shall have time for confession, and that God will not deprive you of life as He has deprived so many others, in the act of sin?

How much is too much (if there is such a thing as too much) in effort to go to Confession? Like, would driving down to my local parish right now and begging father for absolution be too much? Is waiting to Saturday (when my Parish has scheduled Confession times) too little? I’m really confused and very scared.

Christi pax,

Lucretius

 

[Antegin]

Right now, go to bed and get some sleep.
Tomorrow, call your parish and make an appointment with the priest.
Then call your health care professional. It may not be necessary for you to suffer this way.
Feel better.

 

[Trishie]

God who profoundly loves Lucretius, please bless Lucretius with right guidance, with wisdom and with peace.
“Jesus I trust in You”

 

[BlueKnight]

Focus more on doing good for others then on yourself.

1. pray for others
2. volunteer to help others
3. give your time to help someone else
4. use those gifts

Your focus on yourself is the bad habit that ties the rest in place and it is fueled by insecurity and self doubt.

When you see the joy and peace increase in others because of the love you give them you will find the same.

Focus on getting rid of those bad habits and seek a Christian addictions therapist to help you.

Prayers said for you.

Bk

 

[Beryllos]

Did the Good Shepherd abandon his lost sheep? No. Do not be afraid. Jesus forgave sinners and commanded them to sin no more. Did they stop sinning altogether? No. Did the sheep never wander again?

Also remember that Jesus told Peter, who was only human, that we must forgive seventy times seven times, which symbolically means to forgive always. Surely God’s love and mercy go further, and will never be exhausted.

 

[Lucretius]

Thank you all for responding to my post, and more importantly, thank you for your prayers.

Christi pax,

Lucretius

St. John the Baptist, pray for us!

 

[Lucretius]

How do you know of you are truly repentent? This morning I made a clear pledge that I would avoid mortal sin today. As the events unfolded today, I caved into temptation and sinned yet again. I’ve been slothful on avoiding such occasions of sin (although my internal state itself is an occasion of sin now). I felt the Grace God gave me today to avoid sin and to repent from past wrongs. However, I still rejected Him.

I’m thinking of calling it quits, seriously.

Christi pax,

Lucretius

 

[Lucretius]

Most of the time despair is defined as denying that God has given you sufficient Grace and Mercy to save you. I don’t think I have such a despair, as I know that God has given me Mercy and Grace.

However, the sort of despair I think I’m experiencing is that, due to my own implicit stubbornness and sloth, I’m rejecting the Mercy offered to me. So, it is not God’s fault that I’m lost in mortal sin, but rather my own damn fault. I believe this due to the teachings of the Church and my own knowledge of myself: I keep sinning because I haven’t truely repented. I don’t know how to stop sinning, and don’t even know if I want to stop sinning I think this sort of despair is reasonable given my situation: I don’t doubt God’s Mercy, but I doubt that I’m willing to truely accept it, making Helll my own fault.

I don’t know what I should even do anymore. I’m slightly tempted to reject Christ for nihilism (for nihilism is the logical result of modern thought: especially modern atheism) but that philosophy is built on despair. I might just live a meaningless pleasure seeking life instead (probably lots of sex and drinking or something), but I don think I’m mentally confident enough to keep up that lifestyle for very long.

I tried to set up a meeting with my semi-regular Confessor, but he hasn’t responded back yet (he’s very busy).

Christi pax,

Lucretius