Despairing Beast

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Lucretius

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I feel as though I am a brute, because I can’t reign in my passions. The only things that motivates me now is food and sex.

I’m the perfect image of the spirit of this age: a consumer.

I never despaired before because, even though I lived in habits of mortal sin, I had hope that eventually God will help me overcome. The Saints even teach that impatience with overcoming habits of sin is itself a fault!

But my sins have only gotten worse! Why is it impossible to do good, but incredibly easy to do evil?!? This is probably just pride, but the weight of living in mortal sin without escape is too much to bear!

My life seems like it was at a standstill, with only two paths: the path of Christ, and the path of increasingly severe mortal sin. But now I see the kind of life I have to live in order to be free of these sins is one of poverty, suffering, and loneliness! This is a drastic change which I certainly don’t have to power to bring about, and it doesn’t seem I have the graces for it either.

So what am I to do? I can’t do what I ought (I can’t even pray), yet my thoughts blasphemy God (it’s like an anti-prayer of sorts), my heart hates Him, and my body is probably about to engage in unnatural acts and be defiled.

Sexual perversion is the only reason I can make it through the day.
 
Hello lucretious,
What I am inferring from your post is that you are waking up. You are becoming more conscious. Becoming conscious of being unconscious. This is not easy work but it is important to do. Not all of us are as conscious of our faults as you seem to be so therefore we continue plodding along without a clue about how we interact with others or even that we need to change some aspect or aspects of our lives. Your eyes have been opened and you may be seeing things with more clarity. Seeing things more clearly doesn’t necessarily mean we are walking on cloud nine-quite the opposite. This in my mind is like the addict having to admit they have a problem before they can really seek help.
Why do you think it is impossible to do good? Catholics are fond of saying with god all things are possible. We can all do good, it doesn’t have to be anything large or heroic. Maybe just smiling at the checkout person at the store or teller at the bank-maybe that is the only smile they’ve seen all day. Simply praying for someone or sending them blessing even when they don’t know of it is doing good. Start small work your way up.
I have issues with food that I’m working on and used to be addicted to porn and sex but have put those behind me-and just like booze or drugs it’s all about one day at a time.
may you be filled with loving kindness. may you be well. may you be peaceful and at ease. may you be happy. Blessings to you and yours.
 
Lucretius said:
I feel as though I am a brute, because I can’t reign in my passions. The only things that motivates me now is food and sex.

I’m the perfect image of the spirit of this age: a consumer.

I never despaired before because, even though I lived in habits of mortal sin, I had hope that eventually God will help me overcome. The Saints even teach that impatience with overcoming habits of sin is itself a fault!

But my sins have only gotten worse! Why is it impossible to do good, but incredibly easy to do evil?!? This is probably just pride, but the weight of living in mortal sin without escape is too much to bear!

My life seems like it was at a standstill, with only two paths: the path of Christ, and the path of increasingly severe mortal sin. But now I see the kind of life I have to live in order to be free of these sins is one of poverty, suffering, and loneliness! This is a drastic change which I certainly don’t have to power to bring about, and it doesn’t seem I have the graces for it either.

So what am I to do? I can’t do what I ought (I can’t even pray), yet my thoughts blasphemy God (it’s like an anti-prayer of sorts), my heart hates Him, and my body is probably about to engage in unnatural acts and be defiled.

Sexual perversion is the only reason I can make it through the day.
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Have you ever listened to Bishop Robert Barron? He gives excellent talks on a variety of topics. Perhaps there is something here that will help you:

wordonfire.org/resources/browse/topic/
 
I think it’s great that you are thinking about this. This shows that you are aware of your mistakes and your passions. Being aware and accepting yourself as you are now are first steps towards improving those things you want to improve upon.

I can understand some of what you are going through, I too struggled with some mortal sins for a very long time and I could not see my life without them, one was sexual in nature. I’d even managed to delude myself into believing that what I was doing was not a sin and that I was doing something neutral at best, but not wrong. Well, after reading some passages in the bible that very clearly spoke against my reasoning I had to reconsider. But, that said, it took me probably years to actually gather up the mental clarity and strength to actually quit. I did stumble, many times in fact. But after time passed and I kept trying, I noticed that my slip ups got to be further and further apart. Love of God, and salvation, and fear of hell were and remain the main motivators behind my resolve. Prayer, confession, and communion were my sources of strength.

You speak about hating God and resisting him, yet at the same time you seem to desire his assistance and his love. God knows that it’s hard to break free from habitual mortal sin, and he understands that you don’t want to give it up. He is patient with you in this, he will lead you to what you need and he will work with you right where you are at. Try talking to him about how it’s so hard, and that you fear your future if you go to him, tell him everything and don’t hold back. He already knows anyway! But you need to say it, if it helps, write it, writing is a very good way to blow off some emotional steam. And finally, don’t end it without asking him for the grace to resist your temptations.

God knows you struggle, God knows it will take time, God knows you desire to do what’s good, God knows you may fall many times, God will pick you up and clean you off as many times as needed, because he just loves you so much that he’s willing to wait for as long as it takes for you to finally make it! 😃

If you have not yet tried it, go to confession and tell the priest everything, even your attitude towards God. Confession not only frees your soul from mortal sin and venial sin, but it also strengthens your will against future temptation. Plus, lets admit it, not wanting to have to tell the same priest the same mortal sins over and over can actually be a very good motivator lol. I know that kind of helped with one of mine, every time I slipped I was like…uhg…great, now I have to go tell father THAT one again. I will also point out that eventually my own passions started to wane after time, so, this means there isn’t so much suffering in resistance involved for me anymore, and I am very grateful for that.

And finally, you’re in good company! There are saints who struggled with exactly what you are struggling with! Try reading about St. Augustine, he started as a pagan in ancient roman times and he…didn’t have much personal restraint we’ll just say. He later came to know God and repented of all his previous ways and went on to become one of the greatest saints, and a doctor of the church. And, this guy loved to write…like a lot! He’s got more letters and other writings than you could probably read in a life time.

Anyways, hopefully some of that helped. My heart goes out to you. You do have a struggle ahead of you, but you can do it! The only sure way to fail is to give up.

May God be with you and bless you, fill you with his grace and give you strength against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May the ties the devil has made to bind you be broken forever and your soul be set free to love and serve the Lord, mind, soul, and body.
Amen.
 
Pray often, stay busy, trust in God, and He will do the rest.

'You cannot be continent except God give it.’ (Wis. 8:21)

“He who desires to pray frequently will find the mercy of Christ more abundantly.”
  • St. Macarius
“Continual prayer is the enemy’s weakness.”
  • St. John Chrysostom
“This saying has been handed down from the Fathers of Egypt: a monk who works is attacked by but one devil; but an idler is tormented by countless evil spirits.”
  • John Cassian
“My Jesus, mercy!” Pray this frequently throughout the day; you will find the assistance of Christ, Whose grace can conquer even the most deep-rooted sins. If you fall, get up, thanking God for the (infinitely precious) grace to do so! Acting this way, you will likely gain Heaven.
 
Thank you all, I’ve calmed down a bit 👍

I think my problem is similar to St. Augustine, because he specifically tells is in his autobiography that even though he believed in Christ and His teaching, and understood them and how reasonable they were, we still lacked the power to follow them (until he had a mental breakdown and a mystical vision, of course).

My problem seems not regarding the intellect in itself, but rather regarding the will.

Christi pax,

Lucretius
 
Oh, and I can’t go to confession, because my confessor is on a pilgrimage to Rome right now.

Christi pax,

Lucretius
 
Happy to read you’re feeling better. When I read “My problem…rather regarding the will.” I think of the ego. That part of us that tells us we are great or despicable depending on what it wants from us at any given moment. The ego hates change so when we exert will power or won’t power to try to go against what is routine for the ego it rebels and we suffer sometimes immensely.
The ego is as skittish or nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs when confronted with the possibility of change. Each time we don’t do this, that or the other. Each time we don’t eat this, that, or the other we have a victory over the ego. The victories get more frequent and easier with time, but we need to be vigilant and persistent to be fully victorious. Don’t be discouraged when you backslide. Meditate on what caused the backsliding and how to prevent it in the future. Don’t be judgmental, just let it go and try anew.
Patience and surrendering to the divine in each of us is all the strength we need. Blessings to you and yours. May you have victory on your journey.
 
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