Desperate for HELP! Vasectomy-related

[HMOMAS]

We are pregnant with our 6th child. I love my children, and while pregnancy isn’t always a walk in the park, I really REALLY want to leave God completely in charge of how many children we have. My husband isn’t Catholic and while he ultimately has yeilded to my wishes in regard to the necessity of remaining open to life, it has always been a fight and a source of great division between us. He has wanted a vasectomy for years.

I tend to suffer from hormonal-related depression. Post partum depression, pregnancy related depression, and may just be the poster child for PMDD. When I’m not pregnant or post-partum, I’m a happy and healthy woman. But bouts of depression during this particular pregnancy have been HORRENDOUS. I’m talking, violent and suicidal urges so strong and frightening. I’m talking deep, deep psychological pain and fear. Fear for our lives. This is the real deal.

After a particularly HORRIBLE night, when my husband came home late, I gave him an inkling as to how bad it was, and how I was truly terrified that we may not survive another post-partum time after this and that maybe he was right and should go have a vasectomy. Not so that we wouldn’t have any more babies, but so that we wouldn’t have any more bouts of life-threatening (seriously!) PPD. I was in a terribly emotional and frightened state of mind when I told him this.

He said ok, but that we’d revisit the matter in a little while to make sure this is really what we want. But time had passed, and we never revisited the matter. I just found out last night that he has already scheduled the procedure for the upcoming week. I don’t know what to do or to say to him.

I’m gravely aware that another bout with PPD might cause me to take my life, a mortal sin that will leave my 6 children motherless. I’m gravely aware that if I go along with the vasectomy, that itself is a mortal sin, and I desire so much that both myself and my husband go to heaven. (My husband doesn’t understand any of that.) I know that if I yank my husband around and tell him I want to change our mind again, there will be serious and lasting consequences for our marriage and family.

I can’t believe how tangled everything has gotten so quickly and am feeling so desperate and weak. Please help me, I don’t know what to do. And please pray for me! And for my husband!

Please!

 

[tskrobacz]

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! Each child truly is a gift as they reveal to us the inner selves we tend to forget as we grow older.

In reading your post I am reminded that none of us get out of this life unwounded. In fact, to love is to be able to step in and be with the brokenness of our world, as it is, and offer healing. Do not fear for your husband or his salvation…God has a plan for each of us. The best way for you to love him and your children is to continually seek your own recovery to the person God made you alone to be. We heal others to the extent that we ourselves are healed and become a beacon for love and light to shine through. Until you work through your own fears and anxieties you will not be able to see the situation clearly and may wrongly attempt to control that which is not yours to control.

Fear not, it is in the struggles of daily living that God’s spirit is revealed to us. May God bless you on your journey.

 

[tskrobacz]

One further thought…God uses all things, in particular our sins, to reveal himself to us. It is usually only our sins that are strong enough to bring us to our knees and humble us enough to seek him with an open heart. Blessed are the poor in spirit…

 

[PaulinVA]

First, prayers for your situation.

Second, PMDD or Postpartum Psychosis is very serious, as you state. I hope you are seeing the proper professionals to get through this time in your life. I knew only one woman with this issue, and it ended badly.

Third, your question about the vasectomy is this - can the Catholic spouse “cooperate” with the non-Catholic spouse in having a vasectomy, even if it is for good reasons. There are many threads here that discuss this.

 

[nodito]

He said ok, but that we’d revisit the matter in a little while to make sure this is really what we want. But time had passed, and we never revisited the matter. I just found out last night that he has already scheduled the procedure for the upcoming week. I don’t know what to do or to say to him.

Why not call him on this? Tell him you were suprised to learn he had scheduled the procedure without discussing it with you again. You weren’t in a stable mind frame when you agreed to the vasectomy. Now that you’ve got your wits about you, you don’t feel comfortable about it and would like him to cancel or postpone.

Have you considered taking an NFP class together? This might be an acceptable middle ground for him between the providentialist approach and the contracepting.

Also, congratulations on your pregnancy. Maybe God bless you and your little one. Please tell your health professional about your suicidal thoughts and depression.

 

[Windmill]

I second nodito.

This is an opportunity for grace to work. You realize your frame of mind in giving consent to an intrinsically evil procedure. While your husband may not understand all of this, you do, and you are looking out for your soul (and his, though his culpability *may *be lessened, that is not something that you can know, only God can). Pray for peace and talk to your husband. You have consistently stood against a vasectomy all these years, and he should understand that this was a moment of desperation. You weren’t thinking clearly, and now that you are thinking clearly you have been waiting for the follow-up talk that he promised.

His scheduling the procedure was an unfortunate miscommunication, but it is not something set in stone. Why rush into a serious decision without discussing it clearly? If you are unsure of your ability to navigate the discussion on your own, then schedule a small meeting with your priest and let him help.

I will be praying for you and your husband, and please don’t be afraid. Get some professional help with the PPD. There are wonderful doctors out there who have changed lives for the better!

 

[1ke]

You and your husband have created a false dichotomy of either another pregnancy or a vasectomy.

You have not even entertained moral means of spacing/postponing children via periodic absitnence. Nor have you mentioned any mental health care on your part-- are you under the care of a professional or trying to tough this out on your own?

Sterilizing yourselves is not a moral option. But there ARE moral options. I am unclear why you do not consider them?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Sterilizing yourselves is not a moral option. But there ARE moral options. I am unclear why you do not consider them?

After reading the OP’s post, my guess as to the reason is:

My husband isn’t Catholic and while he ultimately has yeilded to my wishes in regard to the necessity of remaining open to life, it has always been a fight and a source of great division between us. He has wanted a vasectomy for years.

Her husband has probably reached the end of his rope. It simply isn’t realistic to expect a non-Catholic whose life is being negatively affected by adherence to Catholic rules to just keep following those rules when what he sees as a permanent solution is so easily available. The OP herself is doing nothing immoral.

 

[Windmill]

The OP realizes that she advised the vasectomy. While she cannot force her husband to stop with going through the procedure, she has given her consent and, as such, participates in the decision to have the vasectomy. Now, through grace, her conscience has been enlightened and she sees that she has done wrong. She is looking for support, not a false sense of security.

Her best route would be to talk to her husband and try to dissuade him from going through with the procedure. She would appeal to the fact that she was not in her right mind when she advised the vasectomy and ask her husband to cancel the appointment so they can talk it over with a priest. If he refuses and insists on going through with the procedure, then she would be obligated to tell him that she does not support him in the decision and cannot condone the procedure.

 

[silicasandra]

After reading the OP’s post, my guess as to the reason is:

Her husband has probably reached the end of his rope. It simply isn’t realistic to expect a non-Catholic whose life is being negatively affected by adherence to Catholic rules to just keep following those rules when what he sees as a permanent solution is so easily available. The OP herself is doing nothing immoral.

Based on the OP, I don’t see that NFP has even come up at all. The husband may not have a true understanding of what Catholic “rules” on sexuality are. Perhaps the OP does not either. The Catholic position is definitively NOT “have kids until it kills you,” yet the OP seems to think it’s either that or sterilization, which is gravely immoral.

The OP also did not mention whether she has sought help for her PPD. I have given birth once and am expecting again. I had PPD after my son was born for over a year and it really did a number on my marriage, even with getting appropriate help. With this pregnancy as soon as I started experiencing depressive feelings I called up Catholic Charities and I will bring it up at my next appointment with my midwife as well. This is not something you mess around with or take lightly. I strongly encourage the OP, if she has not already, to inform her prenatal care provider and consult a counselor for individual and/or marital counseling, as well as a priest for spiritual guidance.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Based on the OP, I don’t see that NFP has even come up at all. The husband may not have a true understanding of what Catholic “rules” on sexuality are. Perhaps the OP does not either. The Catholic position is definitively NOT “have kids until it kills you,” yet the OP seems to think it’s either that or sterilization, which is gravely immoral.

You’re suggesting that if the non-Catholic husband had a “true understanding” of Catholic rules regarding sexuality that everything would be OK. I’m suggesting that he is way past the point of caring about Catholic rules. After six increasingly difficult pregnancies he probably has no interest in NFP, periodic abstinence, or any other “Catholic” solutions. He just wants the madness to stop. He has determined that this problem can be solved with a quick, simple, surgical procedure. After what this couple has gone through, I have a hard time blaming him for coming to this determination.

 

[Windmill]

Again, this is partly about the husband’s actions as a non-Catholic, but primarily the part of the OP who supported and encouraged the decision to have a vasectomy. She is trying to answer God’s call to holiness and be a witness to the faith.

At this point, she should make a good-faith effort to convince the husband not to go through with the procedure (including admitting that she was not in a right frame of mind when she suggested it). She would talk about how she feels about his decision and that she needs to stand by her faith. She could not sign any consent forms if they are put in front of her. I would highly recommend checking out dontfixit.org/

If he goes through with it anyway, then that is out of her control. He has free will, but she would need to firmly voice her objection to alleviate her conscience. If he responds, then thanks be to God! If he adamantly refuses to cancel the procedure, and the wife feels she has made a reasonable effort to convince him otherwise, then she has done her duty.

%between%

 

[tjprior]

I can relate to your husband. I’m not a believer in many Catholic teachings especially when it comes to birth control. I too have wanted a vasectomy for many years and the only reason I haven’t had one yet is out of respect for my wife’s beliefs.

Your husband may have heard what he wanted to hear and decided to go ahead and schedule one. I had actually done that myself on one occasion. It’s not too late to to talk to him.

The problem though is that as a non-believer he very well may see getting a vasectomy as a reasonable and loving thing to do, - even if you don’t want him to.

You will find many supporters of NFP on this site as an alternative to artificial birth control. I think it can work well for many couples and is worth trying. However, what you will not get very often here is an alternative viewpoint. In my case the frequency of sex in our marriage was already low. Using NFP for birth control has steadily made things worse, - to the point where our marriage is basically without physical intimacy. It’s been 6 months. We made love maybe 4 times all of last year.

People here unfortunately can minimize the impact of taking 8 to 12 days off the table each month, The “safe” days include those days when my wife is menstruating which is a turn off for her. She was always most interested when ovulating, - which is true for many women. She basically has no interest on other days. Obviously this is a problem and this is why it can be difficult to strictly adhere to the rules for making NFP work and why it often fails.

I guess when NFP is the ONLY allowed form of birth control aside from abstinence you have no choice but to advocate for it, even if it doesn’t work well for many couples.

So my advice would be this:

1. Talk to your husband about trying NFP
2. Seek some professional help in minimizing the effects that PPD has had for you
3. Pray
4. He may at some point decide to get a vasectomy because he honestly feels it is the best option. Don’t let that decision ruin your marriage even though you feel differently.

 

[underacloud]

Again, this is partly about the husband’s actions as a non-Catholic, but primarily the part of the OP who supported and encouraged the decision to have a vasectomy. She is trying to answer God’s call to holiness and be a witness to the faith.

At this point, she should make a good-faith effort to convince the husband not to go through with the procedure (including admitting that she was not in a right frame of mind when she suggested it). She would talk about how she feels about his decision and that she needs to stand by her faith. She could not sign any consent forms if they are put in front of her. I would highly recommend checking out dontfixit.org/

If he goes through with it anyway, then that is out of her control. He has free will, but she would need to firmly voice her objection to alleviate her conscience. If he responds, then thanks be to God! If he adamantly refuses to cancel the procedure, and the wife feels she has made a reasonable effort to convince him otherwise, then she has done her duty.

I agree with this assessment.

The only debatable or grey point being exactly how strongly she needs to voice her objections. She has a moral obligation to object to this procedure, but arguably not to the extent that it causes further marital problems. A chat with her priest may help guide her on this.

One thought…it may be that her husband has seized on her moment of weakeness in agreeing to the procedure and not discussing it again as a way to avoid further arguments and moral tension and make what he thinks is a decision in the best interest of the family. It may be, in his own way from a non-Catholic perspective, actually an act of charity towards the wife he loves. Alternatively, it may be a selfish move to take advantage of her weak moment. We don’t know, so let’s at least leave room for the more charitable explanation.