Desperate need on how to councel my in-laws nasty marriage

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Lillith

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Hello…long story short…

My sis-in-law and her husband are in dire straights…and I am begging them not to divorce, but I secretly don’t see how it will be possible for them to stay together.

He is an alchoholic, gambler, who I recently found out is snorting something (I don’t know, cocaine, or meth, sis. isn’t sure). He recently won $26,000…I don’t know how much he spent to win that amount, but it really doesn’t matter, because that money is back in the casino anyway (severe gambler demonstrated). He is gone until the wee hours every other night.

She describes him as discusting. Can’t stand to even look at him. She has brought her children into the bedroom with her to avoid him…(the oldest is 9, so for that length of time she has used them in this fasion) She is a shop-aholic. Every day she spends at the min. at least $100.00…her shopping and his gambling have them so far in debt that she used a credit card to buy groceries recently…dozens of cards are maxed out at this point. They wear jackets in the house, can’t afford to heat their home, which by the way cost 1million.5…

She has met another man…and says this is “true love”. She meets him 3 times a week…her husband hired a detective and knows. She says she can’t stop…

Name a possible marital problem…go ahead and dream one up…and I promise you they have it. I am way over my head here…
 
GoodSamaritan said:
www.retrouvaille.org

do yourself and them a favor and get them to this ministry.
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I have suggested retrouvaille…and will continue, (they aren’t Catholic and so they are resisting…but I’ll keep insisting). They are both in counceling right now…but 1hr. twice a week isn’t going to cut it. They need to be duct taped in a room somewhere…
 
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Lillith:
Hello…long story short…

My sis-in-law and her husband are in dire straights…and I am begging them not to divorce, but I secretly don’t see how it will be possible for them to stay together…

<>>

Name a possible marital problem…go ahead and dream one up…and I promise you they have it. I am way over my head here…
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I’m confused… Have they asked you to give them marriage counseling? If yes, then I’d tell them what you just told us-- that you are in way over your head-- and that you would not want to give them advice that may do more harm than good. If they HAVE NOT asked you to counsel them, then I would suggest recommending the group that the above poster wrote about, and let them decide whether to take the advice to repair their lives or not. Either way, you stay out of it, especially since you know it is beyond your depth.
 
  1. Stay out of other people’s marriages. It just makes things worse.
  2. There is likely very little you can do, humanly speaking, to help them.
  3. She would be well-advised to ditch a drunkard, drug addict, and gambler.
  4. She shouldn’t be getting involved with another man, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
 
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juno24:
I’m confused… Have they asked you to give them marriage counseling? If yes, then I’d tell them what you just told us-- that you are in way over your head-- and that you would not want to give them advice that may do more harm than good. If they HAVE NOT asked you to counsel them, then I would suggest recommending the group that the above poster wrote about, and let them decide whether to take the advice to repair their lives or not. Either way, you stay out of it, especially since you know it is beyond your depth.
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I would love to stay out of it. Every day I get phone calls…brother-in-law crying in agony. I will work on getting out but I can’t turn him away
 
Benedictus said:
1. Stay out of other people’s marriages. It just makes things worse.
  1. There is likely very little you can do, humanly speaking, to help them.
  2. She would be well-advised to ditch a drunkard, drug addict, and gambler.
  3. She shouldn’t be getting involved with another man, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
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I don’t want to be in this marriage, believe me, I am receiving nightly telephone calls from one or the other. Last night my brother-in-law called and his crying was so intense I couldn’t calm him, and the call lasted for an hour. I can’t figure out how to stay out, I couldn’t hang up and I feel stuck …ignorance would be bliss…I prefer not to know anything…I told my sister-in-law to separate…come home to Ky. (she’s in St. Louis) and get away from both men…
 
There is nothing you can do for adults who behave in this fashion. They have control and are choosing their path. I would be focusing my time and energy on your neices? nephews? Take them out. Be available for them. Make sure they are eating three solid meals a day. They are an extreme level of risk of being neglected or abused. If not by there actual parents then by the people that they will bring into the home. Create an oasis for the children someone they can trust to go to when the lives of their parents are in chaos. You can really be their guardian angel durring this time and please believe me when I say they need it.
 
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Jodi:
There is nothing you can do for adults who behave in this fashion. They have control and are choosing their path. I would be focusing my time and energy on your neices? nephews? Take them out. Be available for them. Make sure they are eating three solid meals a day. They are an extreme level of risk of being neglected or abused. If not by there actual parents then by the people that they will bring into the home. Create an oasis for the children someone they can trust to go to when the lives of their parents are in chaos. You can really be their guardian angel durring this time and please believe me when I say they need it.
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Jodi…beautifully right! I will suggest this as soon as school is out, that they send the kids home to KY…

Thank You…they have clouded my judgement by trying to involve me…but this is why I posted…to get clarity…
 
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Lillith:
I would love to stay out of it. Every day I get phone calls…brother-in-law crying in agony. I will work on getting out but I can’t turn him away
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I’m sorry you have been ensnared in their mess. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it. I don’t know, of course, but maybe you feel like you owe it to them to listen to their crying and whatnot. Maybe you feel like you can actually help them, somehow, but you just haven’t figured it out yet. Please know, it is not on you to “make them better”. By staying in the cycle of their despair, you are not making things better, you are just perpetuating the cycle.
When my best friend from childhood began to use drugs and alcohol, no one could get through to her-- not her mother, her father nor her sister. The absolute hardest thing her mother ever did was to throw her out and tell her she could no longer enable her. When she was ready for REAL help, not just someone to listen to her cry about how crappy things were in her life, her mother was the first one there to help her get that help.

I’ll pray for you that you find the courage and strength to break free from their marriage, and that they find the means to repair their lives.
 
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juno24:
I’m sorry you have been ensnared in their mess. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it. I don’t know, of course, but maybe you feel like you owe it to them to listen to their crying and whatnot. Maybe you feel like you can actually help them, somehow, but you just haven’t figured it out yet. Please know, it is not on you to “make them better”. By staying in the cycle of their despair, you are not making things better, you are just perpetuating the cycle.
When my best friend from childhood began to use drugs and alcohol, no one could get through to her-- not her mother, her father nor her sister. The absolute hardest thing her mother ever did was to throw her out and tell her she could no longer enable her. When she was ready for REAL help, not just someone to listen to her cry about how crappy things were in her life, her mother was the first one there to help her get that help.

I’ll pray for you that you find the courage and strength to break free from their marriage, and that they find the means to repair their lives.
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Thank you…I desperately need your prayers. Every time the phone rings I cringe. I don’t even begin to think that I can actually help them…they are using me as a “shoulder” to cry on. Last night I begged for them to find someone near them to help…I am 100’s of miles away…brother-in-law says he has no one else…but I suspect he might be trying to get us to take sides, but it’s hard to tell…his agony seems sincere…

Thank you…say a prayer for Tom and Tina and their family in MO…as I think only God can help them now
 
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