Desperately seeking words of wisdom!

  • Thread starter Thread starter MargieE
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MargieE

Guest
I’ve been married for more than 30 years and raised our kids to love and obey our Lord. I realize that once your children are grown there’s not much you can do but pray that they will follow the right path. We really never had problems with the older 2 but my youngest one, just broke our heart so much that I feel like am drowning and cannot come up for air. She is 22 - she was always a great student, graduated from HS with 4.0 average with full scholarship to a good university. Well something happened when she went away, she was failing all her classes to a point where they withdrew all her scholarships - she had to come back home after a little over 1 year in school. When she got home she went to a community college but said she was not in the mood for school and seeks company from a couple of girls she knew but stopped being their friends due to their unscrupulous behavior. Well to make a long story short, while in the company of these girls, she met a boy that she should have never been involved with.

She is now pregnant. The boy never graduated high school. I met him once, and as a mother (am not crazy) had a gut feeling about him that she should not trust him. Well it turns out, that he is very bad, bad news; he went to jail at one point, he has 3 other brothers they are all in jail for selling drugs, armed robbery, etc. His dad, he said, passed away. His mother is of ill-repute and seems to bounce from his children’s friends apartments, she is not working.

My daughter was a daddy’s little girl, my husband just adored her as she is the youngest one and he practically changed his whole life when we had her. He is devastated and is now threatening to leave me (he blames me for her action); to move far away so no one can find him because of what she did; my husband believes that she shamed the whole family.

It’s not the fact that she is pregnant that truly bothered us, but who that child father is. This is really not someone you want to be associated with; nothing good can come of that situation. To make matter worse, she now hates him because we told her what to expect from him and to prove our point the boy stole her ATM card and stole money (wiped her account clean) from her, now she cannot pay her car note. My daughter is not working; she obviously will not find anything suitable now to take of herself or the child. Her friends must have told her that she can survive on welfare. OK I know I am 100% wrong when I told her she needed to end her pregnancy and obviously she refused. I love her so much, hence the reason I believe my heart will just stopped because of the hurt inside.Any advice?
 
First, prayers and hugs to you…

I’ll give this a shot. I am similar, in some ways, to your daughter. I was a straight A student headed for a good college. Once I got there, I realized that I was only a number, rather than the stand-out I had been in high school. I also expected (perhaps very unrealistically) that my college life would be different than it turned out to be. Several things combined together made me absolutely HATE my first year. I started talking about doing something different and was met by lots of disappointment from my parents. They had such high expectations for me and I was letting them down. I moved on to other things…went to a trade school and landed a good job. I got engaged fairly rapidly to a guy that was “good”, but my parents were never really that excited about him. (Still not a part of their expectations for me.) Although this guy was great in so many ways, there were some issues…mostly that we were both young and inmature. We ended up cancelling the wedding one week before the date. Well, let’s just say that my parents didn’t take that well at all. I live in a very small town and they were sure that I would be all the talk…FOREVER. So again, I really let them down. Long story, short. Life goes on and I have been happily married for 23 years.

With that backdrop, there are some things that jumped out at me. I am certain that your daughter realizes that she has started down a path that is far from where you thought she would be. I’m sure that she feels bad that she has disappointed you. She is also probably looking at her life and thinking “I’m such a mess-up! I had so much and I lost it.” That your husband wants to leave because he feels that she has shamed the family only confirms those feelings for her.

So what to do? I guess what I would suggest is to reassure her that you love her and want to support and encourage her in any way you can. Try to understand that she probably feels like she has no way out of this mess. It will take heroic patience on your part to help her find her way back, but you are writing here, so I presume you are willing to make that investment. Will she consider giving the baby up for adoption? Has she broken up with the guy since he stole her card? There are so many insecurity issues here…help her see her potential and not keep looking back.

Hope this helps a little.

Kathy
 
MargieE said:
Any advice?
Click to expand...
Hate to say this, but … if she wants to play wife and mother for real (having sex, making babies), then call her bluff: throw her out and refuse to support her.

Because the way it’s supposed to work in the real world of grownups is that when children grow up and leave home and get married and have children, they support themselves. If she wants to play grownup, then out she goes; your job as mother is now done.

She chose this guy to be her husband and the father of her children, and she made that decision final when she had sex with him. (I know they aren’t married; you see, they’re playing make believe for real.) So she has made her choice, and now she must live with it.

If she complains that the father is a deadbeat, then that’s her problem. She chose him. She could have chosen someone else, but she chose him. But the baby has no choice of who his father is. Now the baby will have to live with and deal with the consequences of mommy’s evil actions.

See how serious all of this is? She has ruined her own life and ruined the life of an innocent child before the child even had a chance to be born. Does she even realize how incredibly selfish and cruel she is?
 
Apollos,
Seriously??? I understand the “tough love” concept and making our children live the with consequences of their bad decisions, but really?? Kick her out? Make the baby suffer for the sins of the mother? Where is the charity in this advice?

Kathy
 
First, what a sad set of circumstances… 😦

Second, repeat this to yourself and your husband over and over… A BABY IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD…! 🙂 EVEN in this set of circumstances! now that the life has begun, that life is to be regarded as a gift from GOD. And He will bless you for accepting that gift. Your daughter did NOT end the pregnancy (:eek: Thanks be to God!) because, as you said, you raised her to love and obey Our Lord. 🙂 So you did do your job!

If the father is that much bad news, there are ways to make sure his involvement is minimal to none. Adoption is also a possibility.

A baby is not the end of the world!👍

prayers for you, your husband and your little girl.
 
Well, if she wants to live that way, you can kick her out, but do it where she can have a place to live, etc. Catholic Services in most big cities can set her up with a place to live and a job, which she has to go to, etc.

We did this for my middle daughter and she turned out fine. She had the baby, met a really nice fellow and is happily married. She also got some good skills working at a mortgage company. So, she’s able to support herself in the future if she has to do so.

Besides all that, though, much prayer and sacrifice should be the order of the day for you and the rest of the family. If you kick her out, assure her that you love her, but explain that you do not love her life choices. But, since she is an adult, she can make her own choices…and suffer her own consequences. You aren’t required to support her bad choices now that she’s an adult.
 
KathyA said:
Apollos,
Seriously??? I understand the “tough love” concept and making our children live the with consequences of their bad decisions, but really?? Kick her out? Make the baby suffer for the sins of the mother? Where is the charity in this advice?

Kathy
Click to expand...
Kathy, at what point are we going to start treating adults as adults? Come on.

This has nothing to do with the dated 1980s fad of “tough love”. It’s about respecting other people’s life choices.

The daughter could have followed the rules - rules everybody knows, rules that are there for the protection of men, women, children, and of society in general - about finding a good husband and raising a family, but she chose to play games. You don’t paper-over such serious harm.

How in the world can you possibly see kicking her out as making the baby suffer for the sins of the mother? The mother created this situation. The mother is making the baby suffer for her sins.

And you want to reward her irresponsibility by cleaning up her mess? What kind of a mother are you?
 
Hello Margie firstly :console: a hug for you. I would speak to your priest about all this.
You are being a good mother standing by your daughter.The child she carries is innocent and precious.Would it be possible to move away to another area? I know it is a lot to ask but it might just be the fresh start that helps you as a family support your dear daughter through this.Your husband in time will mellow and im sure he really loves his family enough to try to help you all.How wonderful a mother you are.Im sorry your daughter has hurt you & your husband & let herself & you all down.Im sure she regrets all this & will cetainly need your help throughout the coming months and years.You are going to be a grandmother !!! This will take time for you to adjust to aswell.So congratulations on the imminent arrival of your grandchild.

If you move away then the child’s father would not have so much influence on the child or your daughter anymore.It doesn’t have to be that far away either.If it is possible it is something to think about.
As i said at the begining go and chat to your priest.

I am so glad that when this happened to me i was supportive to my children & was there for them.I have wonderful grandchildren & my children have grown & matured,thay have developed nicely from the irresponsiblity phase they went through.Most of us at some time in our lives have been very irresponsible in some way or another,None of us are perfect.Sometimes we have to make mistakes in our lives to learn from them,but it would be a shame if your innocent grandchild didn’t get the loving support & opprtunities of an extended family life.

God bless you Margie
 
She needs to be forgiven and loved. She feels very lonely right now, probably.
The guilt is probably unbearable.
I recommend calling the police to find the young man who stole her money.
And, while reading your post. I think you talked to her about ending her pregnancy!
Please tell me you didn’t think about an abortion. I am not going to judge someone but that is a serious issue (spiritually aswell).
She just really needs help, and she probably wants her life to get back on track.
Have the father come and forgive her. You said He adored her, well if he really does love her I think he should be willing to forgive.
It is easier to run then to forgive someone.
She needs her Dad and her Mom, her whole family, to help her.
I hope she will be able to go to college someday and finish her education.

May The Lord Our God Bless You All!
 
Apollos said:
And you want to reward her irresponsibility by cleaning up her mess? What kind of a mother are you?
Click to expand...
Apollos,
Forgive me if my last post to you sounded harsh.
I didn’t suggest that Margie reward her daughter’s irresponsibility and I didn’t advise her to clean up her daughter’s mess. I never mentioned that Margie should step in and financially support her daughter or that she should make her daughter’s life “easy” and without any consequences.
What kind of mother am I? I guess I a mother, daughter, sister, and friend who has sinned myself. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been outright rebellious at times. Still, I have a Father who constantly tries to bring me back to Him. He is always reaching His hand out to me and offering support and encouragement through the Church, the Sacraments and people He places in my life. I try to be the kind of mother, daughter, sister and friend who mirrors that example.

Kathy
 
This is a tough love situation. She has proven in the past she CAN succeed. Sometimes when you get a 4.00 GPA and all the rewards, you find yourself in a situation where you can lack motivation because everything seems so easy. College makes it worse since you have so much free time if you are a good student. Drugs and alcohol are everywhere. It is easy to get in a situation like hers.

What you need to do though is give her shock treatment by being tough! It doesnt have to be a permanent tough love thing necessarily. However if she doesnt learn know to take accountability and learn a hard lesson she will never learn. Typically, many people who succeeded in high school never really experienced a challenge since school is simple for anyone that tries. Any average or even below average kid can get a 4.00 in high school with just a little work. High school isnt about smarts but motivation. College is about motivation with greater freedom and a faster paced curriculum. The faster pace can increase stress and find students in a position where they have to work like they never really had to in high school. It is not challenging in the academic sense but in the time management sense. It is very easy to cram for tests and papers and feel as if you got a grade for little work. This leads to students giving up due to a lack of a challenge and it leads to students finding other ways to use their time: the smart ones get a job or join a club but many turn to alcohol and drugs. This is reflected in the college drop-out rates especially in the first year.

To rally back she needs a challenge and a wake up call. Shes been very naive. If she is let off the hook now she will just continue her downward cycle. If you force her to care for this child without any or little help it will serve as a great lesson for her. She needs to choose whether she wants a good life or a bad life. The training wheels need to come off at age 22. If she doesnt grow up now she never will. She will become a perpetual anchor. I have seen her type before in my family. You as a parent only become an enabler by letting her off the hook.
 
To all – thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Yes as I said I felt terrible, and ashamed of myself, when I told her to terminate the pregnancy but she stood her ground and would not do it.

I realize that for some it would be easier to kick her out and let her pay for her actions but I believe having the child will make her remember that life is not always perfect. I don’t want her to be alone, in the street, with no one close to her that cares for her. I know that I am not thinking straight because it all feels just about too much for me. I need to remember it’s not all about me, she, I am sure, feels the same hurt; because after all we are turning our back on her. She is not used to being treated like that by either myself or her father.

Again, thank you for your words, hugs and prayers. I really needed to hear from all side (I still dont’ feel better) but the pressure is a little less than I felt this morning; and to say that I came upon this site and forum by chance. Well maybe it’s not by chance after, maybe it’s God’s way to show me that, she is not the first or the last one (unfortunately) that will make poor choices; or maybe it’s for me to understand that we all will be ok. Thank you once again.
 
KathyA said:
Apollos,
Forgive me if my last post to you sounded harsh.
I didn’t suggest that Margie reward her daughter’s irresponsibility and I didn’t advise her to clean up her daughter’s mess. I never mentioned that Margie should step in and financially support her daughter or that she should make her daughter’s life “easy” and without any consequences.
What kind of mother am I? I guess I a mother, daughter, sister, and friend who has sinned myself. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been outright rebellious at times. Still, I have a Father who constantly tries to bring me back to Him. He is always reaching His hand out to me and offering support and encouragement through the Church, the Sacraments and people He places in my life. I try to be the kind of mother, daughter, sister and friend who mirrors that example.

Kathy
Click to expand...
Isnt the idea to not only teach a lesson but to prevent this from happening again? Maybe this baby might have a tough life but if she gets off easy without tough love then that one ruined new life can easily turn into 2 or more kids. Sure, there is nothing definite. Why take the risk though? Damage control needs to be done before she can move forward. Stop the bleeding and then operate.
 
MargieE said:
To all – thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Yes as I said I felt terrible, and ashamed of myself, when I told her to terminate the pregnancy but she stood her ground and would not do it.

I realize that for some it would be easier to kick her out and let her pay for her actions but I believe having the child will make her remember that life is not always perfect. I don’t want her to be alone, in the street, with no one close to her that cares for her. I know that I am not thinking straight because it all feels just about too much for me. I need to remember it’s not all about me, she, I am sure, feels the same hurt; because after all we are turning our back on her. She is not used to being treated like that by either myself or her father.

Again, thank you for your words, hugs and prayers. I really needed to hear from all side (I still dont’ feel better) but the pressure is a little less than I felt this morning; and to say that I came upon this site and forum by chance. Well maybe it’s not by chance after, maybe it’s God’s way to show me that, she is not the first or the last one (unfortunately) that will make poor choices; or maybe it’s for me to understand that we all will be ok. Thank you once again.
Click to expand...
26 years ago my aunt got pregnant with my cousin. The man disappeared thereafter. My grandfather felt she should get an abortion. It didnt happen and he immediately regretted it and spoiled the kids because he felt sorry for him and has spent the rest of his life even now at age 86 caring full time for all 5 of her kids through 3 different men (all not providing for the kids) and also her. He feels guilty that he might have failed or not done enough as a parent. Your posts sound just like him. Be careful about feeling guilty since it leads to a life where you encourage bad behavior through enabling. Kids in such a situation pick up on it as well and tend to mirror their parent.
 
Dear Margie you are doing so well.Remember you are a good mother!
When we say the Our Father we say the words “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.We have to forgive others when they hurt us.How we treat others is how we will be judged.I know God will guide you through.Speak to your priest when you can.A prayer for you God bless you Margie

A PRAYER
FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.
May the grace and blessing of the Sacred Heart be with you,
The peace of the Sacred Heart encompass You;
The merits of the Sacred Heart plead for you;
The love of the Sacred Heart inflame you;
The sorrows of the Sacred Heart console you;
The zeal of the Sacred Heart animate you;
The virtues of the Sacred Heart shine forth in your word and work;
And may the joys of the beatific vision be your eternal reward.

Amen
 
There are many, many couples who would love to have a child but cannot and that includes many good Catholic couples. You need to be firm about getting your daughter to get a plan for her live. You can’t support her and her child, but you can’t make the child pay for your daughter’s sins and horrible choices.

The middle ground to kicking her out on the street and cleaning up her mistakes? Sit down and help her plan her own way through this situation. She’s not working and the father is gone. So wouldn’t finding a good Catholic couple that is ready to adopt be a good plan? That way your daughter can worry about fixing herself instead of scrounging by and living on welfare just so she and her child can eat.

Providing emotional and intellectual support here, as well as getting her in touch with resources that can help her find a couple that desperately wants a child to love but cannot conceive is not cleaning up her mess. It’s the good Christian thing to do. Will it be heartbreaking to give up that child? Sure. But it’s also best for the child, best for the couple that wants to adopt and frankly best for the OP’s daughter.

Don’t play nursemaid or financier to her while she’s pregnant, but be there in appropriate doses for moral support. And help her map out a plan for more schooling, finding work, and finding a place to live on her own. And then get her to go on that plan; make it clear that if she deviates, you won’t be there even to provide a comforting ear.
 
As a young, college-aged single mother myself, perhaps I can offer something to you. Of course, you should probably take it with a grain of salt. 😉

Adoption IS a lovely option, but don’t make the assumption that that is always the best answer to these situations. Spend the next several months praying hard and talking to those experienced in this area. I spoke to a pregnancy and adoption specialist, among others, through Catholic Charities for free. They can give you certain points to consider.

Getting in touch with a priest (if she is willing) or a counselor just to let out whatever is bothering her may help. Remember, just being pregnant puts your daughter in a vulnerable position.

Simply kicking your daughter out may give her a “wake up call” but if you do it without helping her find the resources she needs, she and her baby may just end up suffering in poverty.

It certainly isn’t your fault that your daughter is pregnant with a guy like that but please have a little mercy. She made a terrible mistake by having relations outside of marriage but if she is willing to make reparation for the wrongs she has done please do not condemn her. As a previous poster has mentioned before, your daughter may have some self-esteem problems and the issues may just be compounded if you reject her.

Of course if she has no intention of trying to better this situation then perhaps the more loving thing to do allow her to make her own way (i.e, have her move out). By all means do not enable her.

Also, I would highly suggest getting in touch with a family lawyer. Especially if your daughter decides to raise her child herself. She needs to become educated on the laws in her state so that she knows how to prepare herself in case her child’s father decides to seek some legal action. Some may say it isn’t likely since he may seem like he doesn’t care about being a father but don’t underestimate anything at this point. Some people seek legal action to cause trouble or to gain control so I’m just cautioning you, be prepared.

I hope what I have said has at least offered you something to think about. I will pray for your family. Don’t give up hope! God is always listening and He never disapoints. 👍

God bless,
Jennifer
 
If you do choose to place the Child in adoption. PLEASE make sure that the family will bring the child up In The Catholic Faith, in a strong way. You may not want to care for the child physically or emotionally, but please make sure the child will have a strong spiritual Home In The Church! I think this is very important.
This is a hard situation to be in, I am sure a Holy Priest can help.
Please do everything that is right.

May The Lord Our God Bless You All!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top