Desperately want to be a mother

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I’ve been very depressed lately…things have always seemed difficult, all my life and yet one thing has rang true the entire time. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I know I’m not all that stable right now, emotionally, financially etc. but a baby would bring me more happiness than I can even imagine right now. It is what I want and have wanted for as long as I can remember. But there are many problems. First, my husband doesn’t want children (or at least not now). But, when I thought I was pregnant a few months ago, he said he was fine with it, so if I do become pregnant at some point, I know he won’t really mind. Second, I’m in school. It’s my first year and should I get pregnant, I would have to take a year off or more. I don’t mind that at all except for my husbands family. They’ve already told me how disappointed they would be in me if I got pregnant before I had an “established career”. I don’t want to disappoint them, but I really want this. I know I can handle it.
Right now, going to school has no meaning to me, I’m just there. I know if I was to have a child, everything I do would be for them. I need something to keep me going.
Do you think this is wrong…if I want a child, should I try for one…I’m really confused and feel slightly guilty and stupid for this…I need advice.
Thanks
 
You shouldn’t feel guilty, and hardly sound stupid. But it does sound like there are a few things out of balance in your life and as if you think a baby would “fix” everything or provide you with fulfillment. I guarantee that children are not the answer if the question is ‘why do I feel so lost and unsure of what my role in life is?’

Every child, IMHO, has the right to be loved, cared for and educated with respect to what is best for them, not based on how the child makes us feel. Your biggest challenge before becoming the best mother you can be is to sort out what your goals and needs are and make sure that your child is not a substitute for other things/relationships that may be lacking in your life. Is it possible that your husband is hesitant about welcoming children because he feels there is some unfinished business with respect to your maturity/stability to handle that responsibility?
 
First of all, there IS such a thing as maternal instinct. I believe many woman have a drive to be mothers, as much as they have a drive to be teachers, or nurses, or leaders of companies.

If your passion is to parent- you should feel no guilt in pursuing it. No more guilt than if you were pursuing any of the other careers I mentioned above.

But.

Anyone pursuing a career will tell you to be ready to make sure your life is set up to fully embrace that career. I’m sure you believe you are ready to fully embrace motherhood. But you yourself mentioned that you do not feel that you are financially or emotionally stable.

The financially stable part doesn’t bother me that much. Who is EVER financially ready for a family?

But I do have a sense that you are trying to fill a void with children. We do not use children to fill the emptyness within US. Children are not tools for our happiness.

I would consider taking some time, and getting things more stablized in your life. You will be better prepared to handle children, and you will be able to better handle the stress that children bring to a parent’s life.

Use your passion for motherhood as a motivation to get through school. Maybe by that time you will be more confident in yourself and your state of mind, and your husband may be more confident in the timing for children.

May God Bless you with passles of children when it is time.
 
Thank you for your replies. It’s not a matter of filling a void or I guess it partially could be. When I was 3, I was responsible for taking care of my newborn sister. That is to say, diapers, feedings, sleeping etc. because my parents were too high to do it. When I was 11, I was also responsible for taking care of my niece as my older sister could not and my parents were too busy. I’ve always been maternal, whether that was forced on me at a young age or if that is truly the way I am, I don’t know. I lacked a childhood and was forced to mature beyond my years because life forced me too. Since then, I have craved for a child to love and cherish, to take care of and give them a life that I never had. Because of the child hood I had, many say I could never be a good mother (even my own mother has said that). I know I can be and I want to be.

As for school, to be honest, I don’t want a career. Everybody else wants me to have one, but all i want to be is a mother. I’m just in school until I can be one (possibly after as well). I guess I started college to appease all the “new traditional” people that claim that women must go to college, establish a career, get married, possibly have children by the time they are 30 etc.

I know I could be more balanced, and I know that part of me is has selfish reasons for wanting to be a mother, but the rest of me just wants to unconditionally love (which is what motherhood is).
 
Is there a counseling center at your school? You might want to talk to them because it sounds like you have some issues that may need to be dealt with before you start a family. There’s only so much comfort/advice those of us on this board can give you and you deserve to discuss these things with someone. It does sound like you will know what to do when a baby arrives! And it is a wonderful thing to have a baby when you have the energy to run after it as it grows up!

Let us know how you’re doing and what you decide…
 
I have to tell you. I understand what you’re saying completely. Listen, the Catholic Church says that you should be open to life. You are more than ready for it. The only problem is that your husband’s family isn’t ready for it.

Foregoing children for a career is baloney. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in my chosen field. My husband and I decided that my true vocation was to raise our children with me at home. I am 42 years old with 4 children. If I knew then what I know now, we would have had a lot more children. (We’re still hoping and praying for more kids.) My husband and I joke that, yes, this child is worth a trip to Italy. (Certain family members chose a different lifestyle to having more kids)

Status and cars and houses and so-called “self-esteem” are very temporary. Children are a blessing forever.

I realize that there are a lot of people who believe that 2 incomes are needed to survive in today’s world. I humbly submit that that is not as true as people believe. It is truer that our “wants” have become strong enough to qualify as “needs” in our minds. Can you live without cable tv? Shopping at consignment stores, if needed. There are a lot of good quality clothing consignment shops out there.

Heck, I even shop at garage sales for my clothes. You’d be surprised at what you can find.

Can you find new and cheaper ways to cook? There are wonderful websites for the thrifty.

What are you willing to give up for a beautiful new life? It is heaven itself. (I pray for twins!! :eek: )

My advice is to find strong like-minded Catholic women for support. You’re going to need it when your in-laws start putting on the pressure.

You can always private message me, if you like.

May God bless you abundantly.

Sue
 
I think that’s the trouble with the women’s movement - now we’re made to feel like great big losers if all we want are children - like what’s wrong with you, you lazy person! Get out there and find yourself a career!!! Don’t believe it for a second. Being a mother is one of the most noble callings. It sounds like you a very nurturing person and I think you’ll be a wonderful mother and love it! But first things first, I do think it’s a good idea to talk to someone if you feel emotionally out of sorts. You want to go into it with the right frame of mind because I’ve heard that Post Partum (sp?) Depression is worse for those who start out depressed - so take care of that. And try to get your husband on board as well. But as for his family? They don’t get a vote.

God Bless you,
CM
(all I wanted was to be a mother also. And I love it EVERYday!)
 
I’m in a similar situation to yours, as far as wanting a child and being in school, so it’s easy to understand where you’re coming from. I really enjoy my career and it’s very fulfilling to an extent. But I recognize having a family is going to be the greatest work my husband and I could ever do, far more important than school and career. For me, it’s been a huge internal tug of war on whether we have a serious reason to postpone a pregnancy, or if I’m lacking in trust to God’s plan for us. It’s much more difficult to discern with all the “voices” in your ears, it sounds like from your husband family as well as our society in general. Seek out that support from other women and families you already know or from church, your neighborhood, etc. Spiritual direction from a supportive priest or layperson could be a huge help as well. The women I work with are often the negative voices in my ears as far as we’re too young, don’t have enough money, don’t have grad school finished, haven’t had enough time as a couple, blah, blah, blah. Those things are lies and harmful to a truthful perception of marriage and family life and what my vocation is. But I hear those comments and it’s all too easy for them to get a foothold with me. God may be calling you to have a child, or He may not.

All you can do is weigh out prudent reasons either way with your husband, and seek prayer time and contemplation with God. The more I seek Him, the more trust and faith He blesses us with. You’ll be in my prayers - best wishes.
 
I’ve been thinking alot about going to a counciller (sp?) but I’ve been to psychologists, therapists you name it, all my life and it doesn’t really help me. I guess I’m the kind of person who needs to deal with everything alone. I’ve always been that way. I usually feel worse after talking to someone, even friends and relatives, because I feel ashamed of myself, stupid, niave, immature etc. I know that being mentally healthy should be my first priority before I make the leap of getting pregnant. And I am working on that slowly but surely. Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement!!

As for shopping at thrift stores/garage sales, cutting costs and living as low budget as possible, I’m all for it. I love finding creative ways to save money (I’m not very good at it, but when I do, it’s exciting). I shop at value village and goodwill, I think I’ve checked out every frugal webiste there is, because I don’t see the point in spending so much money. I honestly would love to grow my own food, and just live simply. I discovered this after my adoptive mom was remarried. My stepdad was a millionaire (they married when he was 65) because he had never married or had kids and saved all his money. I watched my mom, through the course of their marriage, spend every cent he had worked hard for. Even today, my stepdad calls me to ask me how I save money on things. It was sad and I realized that money, though good in relative amounts, only causes problems when there’s a lot of it. So I don’t want a lot of money. I want to say that I worked as hard as I could to give my husband, children, and myself a good life, without resorting to selfishness and greed. My husband thinks the opposite. He thinks that if you have the money and you worked for it, you should be able to spend it however you want. This, of course, was drilled into him by how he was raised. It’s kind of a clash, but I’m slowly introducing him to budgeting and saving!!

As for his family, I love them dearly, but when it comes to children, I’ll have them when i want to. They can be disappointed but the children aren’t theirs…right?

I’ve decided to stop taking birth control (it was for medical reasons, but I figure I’d fair off better without the because they were just making me sick anyways) so should I get pregnant, I’ll be more than thrilled, but I’m not going to try for it.
 
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