DH wants to move next door to his sister

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yessisan

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Yup, you heard it right. We had had lots of arguments because of how much she can control him. She’s his oldest sister living close to us. Even though my relationship with her has slowly gotten better, I don’t know if I’d want to live next door to her.

DH is freaking out about the money and we were buying a manufactured home that was only 200 sq ft smaller than our beautiful home (which we’re losing due to $$ issues) and it also has a big yard for our 62 lb dog. But the place where DH wants to go is actually half the price of the other house we’re having built, but they won’t take dogs bigger than 25 lbs.

He wants me to give up my dog to my parents (which I wouldn’t mind as much if we were to move somewhere else since he’d stay in the family), but having to live next door to his Jehovah’s Witness sister? She’d lure him back to their religion, they’d be over at our house all the time, she’d hear us argue… and of course those arguments would be because he would start with the leash being so tight (his sister acts like if she were his mom).

What should I do? He’s mad at me for saying I wouldn’t move there because of how our finances are doing. I asked, begged my dad to say he wouldn’t take my dog (he was going to say yes to DH), and when my parents found out it’d be next door to SIL, they gladly said they wouldn’t take the dog. They don’t like her, she’s not very likeable until you get to really know her.

She’s not all that bad, is just that the religion thing was really hard on our marriage at the beginning. When we finally moved 20 miles away from his sister, those problems disappeared and he stopped going to the JWs.

Should I move? I mean, the house is only 1000 sq ft. Ours right now is 1635 sq ft and have a 5000 sq ft yard. This other house has about 500 sq ft counting both sides of the side yard witht the tiny back yard; and they don’t want our big dog. He’s such a loving and sweet dog, I couldn’t get rid of him, not even for him to live w/my parents (and my dad’s the best w/dogs in our family, and Bear LOVES him).

The house we’re having built is 1492 sq ft and has a huge yard for this kind of home, it’s about 1200 sq ft big. We need to build a fence but other than that, the house would be great for us. It’d have 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living room, big kitchen, dining room and that yard! And I’m only thinking about the yard because of Bear and the rooms for our future children (if we can ever bring one home).

Could you move next door to a family member you know will cause a strain on your marriage and give up one of your dogs? We have him and a 6.5 lb puppy. We’ve had Bear for almost 2 yrs. It’d be so hard to give him up to live next door to problem-provoking SIL.

HELP?
 
Could you move next door to a family member you know will cause a strain on your marriage and give up one of your dogs?
dogs wouldn’t even be the issue, unless i needed them as an excuse.

my sisters, who got along well (before), moved into the same town very nearby each other. aside from the continual sibling stress, each of my brothers-in-law would like to choke his town-sharing sister-in-law.

yessisan, if you have any other options-- any at all— refuse.
 
I’ll be honest. I couldn’t do it religion or not.

I like DH’s family in small doses. I wouldn’t want to live right next to anyone in my family either.

I would have a problem with people being in my business. A HUGE PROBLEM. Our familes are really out of the “loop” as in we don’t disclose salary, timing of children, or anything else pertaining to the state of our relationship.

All I can ever picture is Everybody Loves Raymond.:eek:

I imagine this is going to take a lot of prayers. I would have to refuse…then again we live 10 hours by car from his parents and 13 and a half hours from mine…👍

Just remember “the two will leave their parents and start their new family separate from the old ones.”
 
Lots of issues woven in here…I would start by being as honest as possible in your conversations with your husband.

It sounds like a move is in your future b/c of $$ problems. If so, that suggests you are already a couple under stress. I would approach your dh calmly, but firmly. The issues related to the dog are a secondary distraction…leave them out, and certainly don’t play games via your dad’s ability to take the dog if you want to be taken seriously.

Framing the issue is critical, and it seems to an outsider that your primary issue is : where can you live affordably and still have adequate space as well as sufficient privacy and autonomy as a couple? Think this out carefully before you talk to him. One option is moving next to his sister. What are the others? pros/cons? If you believe living next door will ADD stress and conflict to your marriage, be prepared to explain how and give examples without any personal attacks. Make sure he understands this isn’t merely a personality conflict, but a significant, legitimate concern. Tell him you want to be open to the best option, but that cost and space are not the only factors that will affect your quality of life. Discuss the pros/cons of your other options.

I’m sure he is no more eager than you to add extra stress to his life. A move is a lot different that a night out to dinner or going on a vacation. It may create a situation that last for years. I think if you can stay calm and focused on an overall plan, not just on avoiding his sister, you can find a solution together that will meet all of your needs.
 
We have had soooooo many arguments because of her and her intruding and making him do what she wants him to do. She actually told their other sister about a yr and a half ago, that she’d do anything to have us divorce so he could marry a “nice” JW girl. See why I don’t want to be THAT close to her?

We live about 7 blocks from my uncle (on the same street) but we never even see him. My grandparents and my other aunt live near by but far enough so we only see them during family get togethers.

Before we moved, we lived in the same town as my parents, 2 blocks from his nicer sister and about 8 from the one in question, but she’d show up unannounced. Heck, a few days before our wedding, DH and I had an argument and being all immature he called off the wedding, told his sister and we made up the next morning. He was on his way to her house when I got to what was going to be our future apt, we talked, we sorted things out, and made lunch together and while we were eating and discussing how lame it was for us to fight and “cancel” our wedding, someone knocks on the door. I got up to see who it was and it was her. All I got was a stare from bottom up and “Ugh, what are you doing here?” :eek: :eek: That’s the kind of person she is! I so wanted to tell her “it’s my apt, I’ll be living here in 3 days!!! Who are you to talk to me this way???”

She has caused a lot of strain in our marriage being why I was so happy to move 3 towns away.

But I think DH is already coming to a decision that is good for us. He said to me when he got home that he doesn’t want to rush into any decisions and that the house we’re having built is the best thing for us. I hope he sticks to that mentality because I really don’t want to move next door to her.

And aside from the money issues, we just lost our second baby. I don’t need any more stress.
All I can ever picture is Everybody Loves Raymond.:eek:
That is exactly what I was imagining! :eek:
 
Yessi,
First of all I am so sorry for your second loss, many hugs to you…

About the situation,
I would not do it there is no way I would jepordize my marriage, at the cost of any family members selfshness. If his family is trying to in any way split you up those are some RED flags that I would not ignore.
 
Do you have someone who BOTH of you trust, an unrelated counselor/advisor who can help out? You guys are on a hard road with the lost children, financial stress and mixed marriage - a cool, wise head would be a great benefit.

Prayers for you!
 
Could you move next door to a family member you know will cause a strain on your marriage…
HELP?
No I couldn’t so I wouldn’t. I would be so upset, mine wouldn’t dare want to do that to me ( or himself). Even just living next door to my own family seems too much for me to handle—the whole boundaries-being-invaded problems would keep me up at night.

I hope you explain to him that it is merciful to you and him and EVEN his own sister (and her family? does she have her own hsuband and children??) to keep some distance. Could you make him see that it might only damage what relationship you built with her already? Could you get him to see that any problems arising would ALSO be hurtful to her too, and not just you and him—if that is not enough for him.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder—how trite but true.

God bless you—hope all works out in God’s will—big prayers for you guys tonight.
 
sigh

Yessisan, the problem here is not your SIL… it’s your husband. He does not seem to see your marriage as something special and worth all of his effort to protect. He knows how toxic his sister is to your marriage, and he wants to do this anyway. He is not respecting, at all, your role as the most important woman in his life. Again… I have been reading your posts for a long time, and this is an ongoing problem with him. He seems very enmeshed with his family and unable to separate his own will and destiny from theirs. He seems willing to damage and even destroy your marriage in favor of their wants and whims.

There are other options than living next door to his sister. I suggest you insist on finding one… but I am sad to say I think this will all come up again, and again, and again. Until he grows and up and gets a backbone where his family is concerned, you and your needs are going to be coming second, and WAY second.

Personally, I couldn’t live that way. But my DH long ago forced his mother to understand that I am the #1 woman in his life and that she needs to respect that. And you know… we get along fine. I like her, and I think she finally likes me… though she could just like me secondhand because she loves her grandkids so much. But once she figured out she wasn’t going to be able to get me out of his life, she fell in line so that she could keep her relationship with her son. She is VERY good at respecting boundaries and I really do love her for it. She is a good MIL. But DH had to work some to make her that way…
 
Personally, I couldn’t live that way. But my DH long ago forced his mother to understand that I am the #1 woman in his life and that she needs to respect that. And you know… we get along fine. I like her, and I think she finally likes me… though she could just like me secondhand because she loves her grandkids so much. But once she figured out she wasn’t going to be able to get me out of his life, she fell in line so that she could keep her relationship with her son. She is VERY good at respecting boundaries and I really do love her for it. She is a good MIL. But DH had to work some to make her that way…
I think this is really really good advice. We have manaegd to establish similar boundaries by really keeping our families on a need to know basis. As I said before no personal information is shared.

Nathan’s mom has serious empty nest syndrome. He is her youngest of three kids, and he was the first to move far away. It takes a conscientous effort to maintain a slight distance from them in a loving but necessary way.

Is it possible that your husband would be willing to sit down with his family and remind them that God calls men to leave their familes and settle with their wives? Or would that not work because the are JWs?

I can’t even imagine your situation. It seems incredibly stressful.
 
We live next door to my in laws. When we first got married and were young parents, my dh would cave all the time to his mom’s pressure about different issues. It hurt deeply. The big turning point happened when we told them we were expecting our sixth baby.

My MIL lectured dh about how irresponsible I was. She told him that I was a bad and negligent mother. One of her examples of my negligence was the fact that my kids would pop in on her and ask for treats.

Of course, we had many times asked his mom not to give our kids treats–she keeps a separate store for the grandkids. And, I had asked her many times to either lock the door as a signal to the kids or to just tell them it wasn’t a very good time to visit.

And, when in fact, we restricted visits, she would get mad at us.

Anyway, at that point, dh suggested moving. I knew then that she had given up her influence over him. We didn’t move in the end. And, our relations are cordial, if distant. My kids very much love their grandparents.

If my younger sister was in the same situation, I would recommend she refused to move in close proximity.

I now it’s hard because you want to please your husband, but stick to your guns. And, when you get into a house these days, there’s no guarentee that you will be able to easily get out of it.
 
Yessi–

I wouldn’t move next door to your SIL if you felt it could cause problems in your marriage. Tell your DH that. Tell him that you are starting to have a better relationship with his sister but that you want that to continue and that you feel living next door to her is a little too close for comfort. I highly doubt that there are only two places available for ya’ll. See if you can look into other living options.

Your DH is worried about the place you’re building because of the cost. From what I know of your DH, he does seem to let money really get to him–I’m the same way, I stress about family finances a lot too. Ya’ll have had issues in the past where you were financially stretched just too thin and the stress caused some big problems in your marriage. You want to avoid putting yourself in that situation.

But you also don’t want to put yourself in a situation with toxic inlaws.

So compromise. It’s important to him that you don’t stretch your finances. Sit down together and crunch numbers and determine a budget. See what you really can afford (i.e. you shouldn’t be having half of your salary going toward your house note) and then see if the house you are currently building is able to work for you. If it isn’t, then you need to find a new place.

It’s important to you that you don’t put too much stress on your marriage with overbearing inlaws. That’s your DH’s compromise.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this so soon after your loss. :hug1:

kevinsgirl

ETA: I wouldn’t use your dog as the big reason for not moving near his sister. He’s going to see through it or he’s going to resent it. You know your parents would be happy to take your dog in, so right now having a dog at your home isn’t the big issue. The big issue is you both recognizing that you both have legitimate concerns about both options and need to find a place that you are both comfortable with. 👍
 
I’m still wunderin why Stephanie won’t let *any *kin leave next door to her. 🤷
 
I know DH has made a lot of mistake but that doesn’t mean he wants to destroy our marriage. If you would’ve seen him all this time after learning our baby died, last wk when I ended up in the hospital… Anyway, a few days ago I wrote we had already decided living next door to his sister is a bad thing for us. He even told SIL that he doesn’t want to live next door to her but of course she tried saying they wouldn’t get in our life, that they’ll be like any other neighbor… sure… but he stood ground.

The house we’re building is only going to come to total of $62,000 plus whatever costs to buy supplies for building a fence. DH is a construction worker so he and his BIL will be building it. So half of Dh salary would be enough to pay the mortgage and the bills.

And the dog thing is a reason for me not to move. We had made the choice together that we weren’t going to let go of Bear and we’d find a place that would take him. After losing my babies, I am not going to lose my dog too. They are what helped me get out of my deep depression when I lost Julian. This time, with Monica, I’m sure it’ll be the same…

Anywho, thank you all for sharing. Oh, and I don’t mind living close to family, we live close to family here and before we moved we did too… it’s just living next door to her that creeps me out.
 
I remember an episode on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, perhaps it was the pilot, where they were talking about buying a new house. Raymond had taken a map and drawn what looked like a bullseye on it. The center of the red bullseye was his parents home and it extended to about 20 minute drive circle. Around that was narrow yellow circle, extending another 20 minutes drive time or so. Then there was a green area that extended to about a 2 hour drive or so. After that it was yellow then red.

The point he was trying to make was the frequency and duration of his parents visits. If they are very close, they will be there everyday. The further away they are, the less frequently and the shorter time they will stay, until he gets too far away and then when they come they will stay overnight or for a few days.

Perhaps you might consider doing the same thing as the fictional Raymond did except with your SIL home. 😛 🙂
 
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