Did I give bad advice?

[Lillith]

I am torn today, over what I told my sister-in law last night. I want the truth, hold no punches…judge me please.

Tammy (sis-in law) and Tom are who we are talking about. It appears Tom has aquired a drug habit, and is snorting some substance up his nose. Tammy believes it is oxy-contin (powerful opiate, highly addictive). I have known this for a while, and I told her to go to Alanon meetings, and to get him into some sort of rehab. And she did, and he did…Tom went for a weekend and “dried out”. He came home and started right back, and escalated his use. She caught him snorting something in a restaurant bathroom…and here’s the kicker…he had his children with him and was driving them around in that state!!! I told her to leave him. Not to divorce, but to leave, and let him “hit bottom”.

Sounds like good advice so far, but of course, there’s a twist. Tammy has been having an affair, and thinks she is in love. I know that if she leaves Tom, it won’t be for his benefit completely, because she has every intention to start a relationship with this other guy.

I told her to come home (to her brother and me)…but I she won’t do that (we live quite a distance from her). Now I feel torn, badly. Did I inadvertantly incourage her to commit Adultery? Because that will be the result.

Tom is out of control, he came over to our house with Tammy last night and was so stoned that he couldn’t keep his eyes opened. He sat in a chair bobbing his head up and down, with his eyes closed…but continuing to have conversation (that’s how I know he wasn’t just sleepy) in front of my kids and theirs too!

I feel really guilty because Tammy kept talking about this other guy and how wonderful he was, and how we’d all love him, and I just couldn’t say anything. At the moment, God forgive me, I just hated Tom for being such an idiot (I know he’s sick but I still feel angry). Tammy can’t leave Tom without the support of the other man…she has no self esteme, and so I feel like I just pushed her into Adultery…

~SCREAM~

 

[Princess_Abby]

YOU can’t make anyone else “do” anything.

Are Tom and Tammy Catholic?

 

[Lillith]

Princess_Abby:

YOU can’t make anyone else “do” anything.

Are Tom and Tammy Catholic?

Thank you!!! That’s what I keep saying to myself. They are non-denominational…protestants originally

 

[KathleenElsie]

When growing up my mom stayed with my stepfather till I was out of Sr High School and she could no longer protect my brothers. My stepfather was a “drunk” sorry no other word works. I cared for my half-brothers and even had to physically get between the boys and what ever “dad” was trying to beat them with (they don’t remember this). I took lots of the abuse, but, my brothers never did thank `you GOD. For this I am proud.
This said I wish my mom had been advised to leave by someone who cared (as you seem to care). For you see I carry many many many bad memories and scars (some that show some that don"t). All that hurt.
So I do not feel you gave the wrong advice. What she does with it and how she does it is her business. Just be there to help the kids and her to make the best of things.

 

[carol_marie]

No I don’t think you gave bad advice. Being with their Mom’s new boyfriend won’t kill the kids but driving around with their stoned out of his mind father just might. I think it’s the lesser of two evils. Maybe Tom will hit rock bottom after he sees he lost his family & maybe he’ll get sober & clean & then maybe Tammy, knowing it’s the father of her children, will take him back. By that time she’ll be dealing with all the troubles that come with having kids & a boyfriend - hard combo to balance - and maybe she’ll take the easy way out & go back to Tommy.

For his sake I hope it happens soon - messing w/ Oxy-contin will kill you. My beautiful, 20 year old neice took too much & died.

 

[Mike_Olson]

carol marie:

No I don’t think you gave bad advice. Being with their Mom’s new boyfriend won’t kill the kids but driving around with their stoned out of his mind father just might. I think it’s the lesser of two evils. Maybe Tom will hit rock bottom after he sees he lost his family & maybe he’ll get sober & clean & then maybe Tammy, knowing it’s the father of her children, will take him back. By that time she’ll be dealing with all the troubles that come with having kids & a boyfriend - hard combo to balance - and maybe she’ll take the easy way out & go back to Tommy.

For his sake I hope it happens soon - messing w/ Oxy-contin will kill you. My beautiful, 20 year old neice took too much & died.

I am sorry for your loss carol marie, addiction is a terrible disease.