F
filiaecclesia
Guest
Good morning:
I need some perspective!
I’m struggling with a lot of guilt in regard to my relationship with my mother, who died a few weeks ago. Often questions about “honoring” our parents involve an adult child who is filled with guilt over their relationship with a “difficult” or abusive parent. My situation is different in that my mom was difficult, but not abusive.
She was a very passive, gentle, timid person. She had a difficult life in many ways, my father divorced her when my sister and I were young, etc. For the last 20 years she lived with a friend, another elderly woman, who was sometimes difficult for my mom to cope with. My mom could have moved into her own apartment, but chose not to. I’ve always lived within an hour of her and while raising my own three children and handling my own challenges and so on, tried to help her and included her in our lives.
At the beginning of the year, she came to live with us after fracturing several vertibrae. We then discovered she had Alzheimer’s disease. I took care of her very intensively for the last three months of her life, and she died here at our home.
My difficulty comes from looking back on life and seeing that since my mid-teens I felt our roles were reversed, that I “took care” of her, and she wanted me to. She was very dependent. And I resented this, but nevertheless took the more adult role in her life, more so as she aged.
I feel guilty because I didn’t always act out of love but out of obligation to my mother, and perhaps I wasn’t as solicitous of her as I should have been considering she didn’t have a husband. A relative just told me it is on my head that my mom didn’t have a happier life, and it is hard to think I was responsible for this.
If anyone has thoughts on the limits and extent of how we honor our parents as we ourselves live our lives and responsibilities, I would be so grateful!.
All good.
I need some perspective!
I’m struggling with a lot of guilt in regard to my relationship with my mother, who died a few weeks ago. Often questions about “honoring” our parents involve an adult child who is filled with guilt over their relationship with a “difficult” or abusive parent. My situation is different in that my mom was difficult, but not abusive.
She was a very passive, gentle, timid person. She had a difficult life in many ways, my father divorced her when my sister and I were young, etc. For the last 20 years she lived with a friend, another elderly woman, who was sometimes difficult for my mom to cope with. My mom could have moved into her own apartment, but chose not to. I’ve always lived within an hour of her and while raising my own three children and handling my own challenges and so on, tried to help her and included her in our lives.
At the beginning of the year, she came to live with us after fracturing several vertibrae. We then discovered she had Alzheimer’s disease. I took care of her very intensively for the last three months of her life, and she died here at our home.
My difficulty comes from looking back on life and seeing that since my mid-teens I felt our roles were reversed, that I “took care” of her, and she wanted me to. She was very dependent. And I resented this, but nevertheless took the more adult role in her life, more so as she aged.
I feel guilty because I didn’t always act out of love but out of obligation to my mother, and perhaps I wasn’t as solicitous of her as I should have been considering she didn’t have a husband. A relative just told me it is on my head that my mom didn’t have a happier life, and it is hard to think I was responsible for this.
If anyone has thoughts on the limits and extent of how we honor our parents as we ourselves live our lives and responsibilities, I would be so grateful!.
All good.
