Did I take it too far?

  • Thread starter Thread starter MamaZona
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I never really felt loved by my family until I read this book:

fivelovelanguages.com/

All those years I felt unloved because I wanted my mom to spend time with me, to do things with me. I wanted her to say that she loved me, that she was proud of me.

My dad spent all his time with my brothers–coaching wrestling year round.

I felt like I wasn’t loved by him either because I wasn’t a boy or athletic.

But, my mom’s love language was gift giving. So, all those presents that I thought were done out of obligation or guilt were actually her love letters to me.

And, my dad’s love language was acts of service. So, I wasn’t reading him well either.

I’m guessing your aunt’s love language is gift giving.

And, I bet your love language is Quality time.

Many libraries carry the book. I think you will find that it will change your perception.
 
Aw, Mama…I’m sorry. This story sounds like my past with my family, before my sister and I turned a corner. Now, we’re very close…but it took years of praying, and swallowing my own pride, to get to where we are. And you may never get there, but don’t ever let these things ruin your holidays. I used to jump through hoops…(I can relate to the fancy restaurant for a 5 yr old’s birthday party) in order to accomodate my family…and a day finally came, when I just stopped doing it. I stopped caring about what they thought of me. (this was all say 6+ yrs ago) Now, I’m not saying to stop caring about your mom, family etc…but stop caring about what they think of you. That is my advice. Stop all the second guessing. I remember doing that–did I say the right thing? Maybe I should have done what my sister wanted? Sigh. It really is a great day, when you can just love your family, for who they are…and not get upset when they don’t react…in a way that you would react. See, that is another thing. You want your family to treat you, in a way that you would treat them…That took me a long time to get, but really, you will have great peace of mind, when you get to a point, where you stop expecting really anything from your family, and just try to look at them they way Christ sees them. It is not easy, I know–but you can do this. I then realized that my sister was a very unhappy person back then, and probably was the source of her arguments and drama with me. Since she divorced, she has been much easier to deal with. Not sure if there was a connection, but perhaps also, I just stopped jumping through the hoops.🤷

So…love your family, of course. But, stop getting wrapped up in their drama…if you don’t want to go to a fancy restaurant for a 5 yr old’s birthday***…do not go***. You’re a grown woman now…you don’t have to ask permission for where to have a birthday party for your child. Ugh, this all brings back really eery memories for me, reading through this. But, now, my sister and I are quite close. It took forgiving her for the hurt she caused me (even though she never really apologized) and growing a back bone. lol I stopped feeling badly for myself…and just started living life they way I wanted to. If your family doesn’t want to come to pageants…oh well. Their loss. If they make up excuses, when you invite them places…so be it. The hurt will eventually stop…seriously, it will. And you may stop asking eventually. :o

Keep praying that God will give you the grace to love your family the way He does. You sound like a good person, Mama…I don’t blame you for how you feel, I have been there. (my parents died when I was a kid, my sister raised me if you wonder why I’m referring to her here)

Pray for them…and keep living your own life…it’s all you can do. Be happy…don’t let even your family, steal your happiness. (anymore) hugs:console:
 
I don’t know whether you took it too far. I do think, however, that returning the gifts was the only thing you could do, after having had that confrontation with your aunt.

Obviously, you and your aunt have different expectations for what interactions you need to be having. When you let her know that you feel hurt that she never accepts your invitations, she said that you should be content with her presents, because basically she’s not prepared to give you her time. You said that wasn’t good enough, and she hung up on you. Apparently she won’t be changing anything.

If you had accepted her gifts, you would have confirmed, in her mind, that presents were good enough. You would have confirmed that all you needed from her were the gifts. Since that’s not true, the reasonable choice is to return the gifts. I suspect that seeing gifts from her would remind you of the time that she is not willing to give you, and keeping the presents would do more harm than good to your feelings.

So, now you know how things stand. She will not give you time, only presents. If you can’t accept that, shrug your shoulders and move on. Focus on the family you’ve built. However, if after reflection you decide that you will allow her to send your family gifts, know that the interactions will have to be on her terms - and that will mean that face-to-face interactions will be at a minimum. I had an aunt like that (albeit she didn’t raise me) who only wanted a copy of the family newsletter and who would send $500 a year for Christmas. She didn’t take our calls, or answer our letters. My parents accepted the money, and we wrote thank-you notes every year for the gifts we bought with her money. 🤷 If it made her happy, I don’t see the harm - but if accepting the gift will serve as a hurtful reminder of what she won’t give, you’re under no obligation to accept it.
 
I would have had my kids join me in donating the gifts to a charity for kids who would otherwise get nothing this Christmas. Then I would have sent a copy of the donation receipt to the family member who was making such a fuss about the gifts.

Then I would have slapped my own hand every time I reached for the phone to cop some warm-and-fuzzies from the people who call themselves my family but are incapable of are disinterested in love and support unless they are on the receiving end. Life’s too short.

marietta
 
I am not going to judge/respond to “did I take it too far?” because who’s to know? But, I do have this to offer… unconditional love. This is what I believe is right for me. I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. That does not mean I always have to agree with them or what they do. I am loved unconditionally by my parents and some of my siblings. I’m sure they have not always agreed with me or been happy with me. The sibling that does not unconditionally love me, I still love unconditionally and treat the same way I would if she did. That is my choice, and is my point. YOU have the ability to CHOOSE : 1.how you react to their decisions (if you let it hurt you or if you realize that they are doing the best they are able at that moment) 2. if you love them unconditionally (even when you are hurt by them).

It sounds like you believe your aunt may be playing games with you. I don’t know if she has come out and said some of the things you stated as her motives or if those are your deductions. Regardless, you have a choice in how you interact with her - based only on your love for her or based on her actions.
 
Mama,

Ok, so your extended family is lopsided. and that’s painful to you.

but here’s where I see where some of these particular problems came of your own making --and I’m not taking anything away from your valid complaints of your lopsided family and the pain they can cause. i really hear you in this.

initially, you were not accepting the reality of the people in your extended family. none of this was new information-- not mom’s distance, instability or complaints, not your aunt’s refusal to participate in ways that are helpful to your family and kids. no new information, but you went looking for something new from them when there was absolutely no indication you might get it.

forcing people to repeat their character defects isn’t charitable.

then, when you got the same old same old, you reacted. reactions are usually not as productive as pro-actions. (like deciding to not call. or deciding to spread holiday cheer then SPLIT before it gets personal.)

this brings to mind my favorite personal motto (and sometimes i even choose to live by it to great results) **Let’s Change. I’ll Go First. **

oftentimes, i find there’s enough to keep me busy changing me in a cruddy relationship that i loose all my guts for wanting to change the other person.

your extended family is lopsided. don’t continue to get get lopsided around them. it’s bad for your kids, bad for yourself, bad for your marriage (if you haven’t already had the argument with your husband where he says, “why do you keep calling them??” and you yell at him that he doesn’t understand, you will.)

discipline yourself to hold steady with charity or stay away.

as for the presents, if forced to make conversation on it, i’d say, “oh that. yeah. i was really mad. i don’t want to talk about it anymore.” then leave it alone. if no one else will leave it alone. charitably excuse yourself, “I gotta go. love ya.” and SPLIT.

in fact, it sounds like knowing when to beat feet to the door, smiling, waving and repeating “love ya” may be the key tho all the changes you might need to do. pretty simple, really.

it all won’t hurt less, but there will be a whole lot LESS inner turmoil for you.
 
Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

You kept calling and inviting your aunt and she always refused.

Fact: She will not attend.
Fact: You keep calling.
Fact: This is driving you crazy!

So…I say just stop calling her. Wait for HER to call you first.

We had some “friends” who we always called first. We always invited them out or over. We always made the first call. We always had a great time, but we were ALWAYS doing the initiating. So, after several years of this, we tried an experiment. We stopped calling to see if they would call us to invite us out or over to even just to say hi. They never did. It has now been about 10 years, and they have NEVER once called us. Needless to say, we no longer consider them friends.

So…stop calling and inviting her to things. If she is interested in you and your family, she will call you. If she does, Great! If not, think of the stress relief you will feel!

Instead, focus on your in-laws. They sound great!
 
Dear MamaZone,

I am sorry that you are so sad about your family of origin and how they treat you and your children. I truly understand how painful this is having been through it myself. Please don’t beat yourself up over your parents as you know it takes two people to have a relationship. As a mother your responsibilities are now to your new family esp. your children. I suffered many years with parents who did not or could not love me the way I needed and deserved and it took a toll on me. With the help of many including God (I converted to Catholicism 3 yrs ago) good priests, therapy , reading books on the subject, and my wonderful husband and daughters I was able to move on from the fear and guilt that I felt whenever I was around my parents.

Your job is now to get some help for yourself and to just appreciate what you have with your own family. Stop wasting time wanting your parents to love you because it probably will never happen. Most of these people have personality disorders and they get worse as they age. You will have to accept your parents for what they can give even if it is very little. You may prefer to have limited contact with them for the sake of your mental health.You may have to take care of their needs in old age but still maintain limited contact. You may feel that everyone else has a wonderful family but you would be surprised at how many people are in your position but just don’t talk about it. It is now in your power to create a warm happy home environment for you kids. By the way, a relationship with grandparents is nice if that is an option but the kids will not suffer with out it. What your kids really need is a happy and mature mother who does not subject them to crazy selfish grandparents. If your mother sends more gifts don’t send them back. Have the kids write a thank you and don’t say much about grandma. When they are older you can explain how dificult the situation was. First order of business is for you to protect yourself and the kids from dysfunctional people. Get emotionally healthy by reading good books on the subject (When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends, Understanding the Borderline Mother, Boundaries).

Please enjoy Christmas and try to pray for your parents and offer up your suffering to God. You will probably be the only person who ever prays for them.
 
Remember, you are teaching by your example to your children how adult children interact with parents. If your children see you loving, generous, forgiving and kind they will learn it.

I’d suggest you call your mom and apologize. Invite her to lunch at that fancy sit down restaurant, just the two of you.
 
My 2 cents is that you didn’t overreact. I would have done the same thing by sending the gifts back.

I don’t think your aunt sent them out of love, I think she sent them out of obligation and I don’t want to be an obligation to anyone… By sending the gifts back, I would be letting them off the hook.

I agree with some of the others points though. Focus on the family you are happy with and hopefully the others will come around now and then. When they do, welcome them.
 
kage_ar:

This woman owes her mother no apology. If she is guilty of anything, it is facing her family’s bottomless, insatiable misery with tenacity and hope. Why would she want a redux with her mother in a public restaurant?

Her mother owes an apology. Her aunt owes an apology.

When somebody whines and carries on enough, your solution is to take them to a restaurant and apologize to them for having done nothing wrong? What kind of modeling is that for children?!

marietta
 
Okay, I’m offering to spend time with and give attention and somhow that’s taking and being demanding?
Click to expand...
It might be - if I was your aunt. But I wouldn’t give excuses like “I have to clean my toilets right now,” or “I plan on being sick in two weeks.”

Methinks you got her point. :rolleyes:

I do think you *might *have gone overboard by sending the presents back. If that’s the only way she wants to be involved with you guys, why not let her? Even if she only does it out of a sense of guilt or obligation - well, she’s feeling something towards you.

There - that’s my two cents worth of thoughts, from one survivor of a dysfunctional family to another. 👍

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top