Didn't force daughter to go to church

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Rafael1226

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My daughter is 13 years old. She had a sleepover and I wasn’t sure if we would be able to go to the afternoon mass, so I just went by myself early in the morning before going to pick her up. When I picked her, I told her we could go to the evening mass, but my wife (doesn’t really practice) asked why I was going to go again since I already went in the morning. I told her it was for my daughter, but then I told her that I would let her decide whether or not she would go to mass. She decided not to. I take her to mass with me on Sundays (she can’t really get to church unless someone drives her), but I try not to “force” her to go as I don’t want her to view going to mass a burden. But now I wonder if I should begin forcing her to do so. And am I sinning by not forcing her to go to mass?
 
Please may I recommend that you consult your priest.
God bless you both.
Or if our generous and busy priest has time our from his many responsibilities @edward_george1
 
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Thank you! In the past I was told that since she is past the age of reason it is up to her, and that as long as I tell her that she should go to mass, and why, that I fulfilled my duties. To be honest it is very hard to try to raise her as a practicing Catholic when my wife doesn’t practice and none of her friends are religious (as neither are her cousins).
 
I sadly remember when one son turned 15 and resisted going to Mass very strongly, I asked the priest, later a bishop, whether I could/should “force” him, the priest replied,
“no, at his age, no.”
It’s a really painful call.

Prayers for you and for your wife and daughter.
 
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The age of reason is 7. Do you really tell a 7 year old it’s ‘her choice’ on anything other than Mass? If you’re going to go to grandma’s, is it ‘her choice’ whether she goes? Do you stay home if she says, “no?”

OK, I know she is 13 now.
It’s not really a question of force though, any more than you force your daughter to go to school, eat meals, keep up hygiene, etc.

How about making Sunday something really special? You go to Mass and then you go to the Mall, or you spend 2-3 hours with her doing something she really, really likes. At first, Mass will be, "just get through this and then it’s fun’ but little by little Mass will be associated with fun, happiness, good choice.
Get her her own missal. If she’s into coloring, get her some of the lovely coloring books out there. If she is into languages, talk about some of the different words for things like Altar and church. If she is into history, or art, get her some volumes of art which show beautiful churches.

Get her a beautiful necklace or chaplets. Spend some time praying a decade of the rosary together. Talk about how time spent in a church makes you feel peaceful. If she talks about how she thinks it’s goofy, instead of making her feel defensive, listen to her. OK, so it feels goofy. Have there been other things where she went and at first felt goofy at and then liked? What helped her?

If you offer her lots of positive attention, beauty, tell her stories about the family and the faith, and make it clear how you want not to ‘force’ her into something, but to share something wonderful because you think that SHE is wonderful and deserving, I’ll bet she will become more interested. She’s at an awkward age so it might not be every week, but at the least you’ll have given a full perspective and offered ‘the good part’ instead of the 'ok everybody get up, let’s go, shut up and listen, 1 hour Mass, blah" experience.
 
Suggestion: Get some Green Scapulars, have them blessed and then put them around the house e.g. in the bedrooms, kitchen, parlor, dining room etc and pray the Green Scapular prayer for your wife & daughter: “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.” The Society of the Green Scapular or any Catholic shop should have them.
 
Rafael1226 said:
but then I told her that I would let her decide whether or not she would go to mass. She decided not to.
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If your daughter is a Catholic, at 13 she has an obligation to go to mass. If you haven’t taught her that, back up and do so.

So, when she has school events, sleepovers, parties or whatever, beforehand you say, “here are the mass times at X, Y, and Z parishes— which one do you want to go to?” The default expectation is always that you go to mass, here are the options, which do you choose.

Make the plans ahead of time. And if she’s ever in a situation where she will have trouble getting to mass have her be the one to ask your pastor for a dispensation.
Rafael1226 said:
but I try not to “force” her to go as I don’t want her to view going to mass a burden.
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It’s not a burden, it’s a great privilege.

You need to treat it that way, talk to her about it, and set expectations. Do not say things like “choice to go to mass” or “force” or “burden”.

And you should take her to confession for choosing to miss mass.
 
Rafael1226 said:
And am I sinning by not forcing her to go to mass?
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Actively letting her NOT go to mass, I suggest you mention that in your own confession.

You had a plan— Sunday evening mass. I don’t understand why you back peddled from “going to 5:30 mass” to “letting her choose”. I mean— what what that anyway?
 
Rafael1226 said:
In the past I was told that since she is past the age of reason it is up to her, and that as long as I tell her that she should go to mass, and why, that I fulfilled my duties.
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Wow, that is some spectacularly bad advice.

YOU are responsible for raising her in the faith. It takes a lot more than that to do so.
 
The green scapular is meant to be worn, not to be used as anything else. But I have heard of people doing this. It is a private devotion and that is their choice.
 
If the person doesn’t want to wear the Green Scapular then it can be put in their room, clothing etc. as long as the person giving it prays the Green Scapular prayer.
 
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