Difference between complaining and describing events?

[dilleachta]

Part of my Lenten plan is to be mindful of the temptation to complain. However, after reflecting on this challenge I found myself asking what the difference is between complaining and describing unfortunate news.

Is the statement, “I can’t believe I got hit by a car” a complaint or an expression about an experience? How about “My husband was fired and I am having anxiety about how we will survive and pay our bills”…? How about if someone asks you how you’re doing and you answer honestly, “I’m exhausted, I got 2 hours of sleep last night”…?

I hope I am not over-analyzing this. Although, if I really want to improve something in my life I need to first understand what it is, right? Any insights or references for how to discern the difference between the act of complaining and the act of describing something that happens to be unpleasant?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

First, how often are you “complaining” and how serious is the issue? There are people who complain about everything. They complain about traffic on the way to work, their boss at work, how everybody they know acts, their coffee is too cold, they’re bored, they don’t get paid enough, etc. Constantly. This is different from the person who expresses a genuine concern once in a while.

Second, who are you “complaining” to? If your mom, spouse, or best friend asks “How are you doing?” then they probably really want to know, and you can tell them you’re exhausted, your husband just got fired, you’re having anxiety, etc. However, if a work colleague whom you know casually asks, “How are you doing?” it’s just for conversation. They don’t really want to know. Occasionally, if it’s something really major (e.g. I just had a death in the family) I will tell them, “Not too good, my mother-in-law passed away last week” and I’ll get some obligatory “Oh I’m so sorry” type responses. But apart from some really big situation like that, which everyone can relate to because virtually everyone has a loved one pass away at some point, they don’t want to know that you couldn’t sleep last night or that your husband got fired (your husband probably doesn’t want the world knowing this either) etc.

So to sum up, it’s the frequency of the complaints, the issue you’re complaining about, and the person you’re complaining to. If you make sure each of these is appropriate, you’ll automatically be complaining less.

 

[fin]

Good question as I have wondered about it myself.

I am ok with complaining as long as it is valid and there is a good reason. People have to vent.

What I do not like is when a person complains, but without good reason, bordering on brattiness,entitlement, and whininess.

For example, from where I am, traffic is very awful. Everyone says so. Many complain about it, because they themselves go through it almost everyday. I do not complain much about it because I do not experience it that much, my work locations has been near home. On my part, I understand them. Their complaint is valid, and they are not being whiny. It is the truth. If I experience it every day, I would be complaining too. It is easy to ‘judge’ a person when you yourself aren’t going through it.

 

[dilleachta]

Hi there, Tis_Bearself,

Thanks for your insight. I agree that the context plays a big role in this. After doing some research, it seems that many discussions on the nature of complaining focus on it being primarily negative, and rooted in selfishness. I also agree that there is a difference between chronic whiners (everything is wrong- always)- I tend to classify this trait more along the lines of vocal pessimism. However, I do think there is a fine line between complaining about an event and validly expressing grief over a tragedy or life-crisis.

 

[dilleachta]

I agree with and appreciate your distinction between complaining and the “attitude of entitlement”, fin.

 

[rcwitness]

A good Scripture to read about this would be when the Hebrews spent 40 years in the desert.

They repeatedly complained to Moses after each thing that God would give them! We should acknowledge how we all do this sometimes!

Very appropriate to the 40 day Lent period. Read a little bit each day…

 

[fin]

To cite another example, irl I know someone who complains unreasonably. But when she hears other people complaining (with good reason), she gets annoyed. Of course, she’s wrong.