Differences with my other

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What if your other (girlfriend/wife or vice versa) does stuff or is ok with stuff that you aren’t ok with. I am a perfectionist and I work very hard on my morals, so it bothers me that she doesn’t see some things as bad or wrong that I do.

The thing that is bothering me right now is that my girlfriend watched a movie last nite that by the Catholic site is considered Morally Offensive. (We got into a discussion or disagreement about a really bad movie that she watched once before a few months ago.) - I don’t feel that it is ok to watch those types of things. And it bothers me that she watched that movie last nite. I couldn’t sleep for a while because of it.

We are both Catholic and we are waiting until marriage for relations. So we try to be carefull when together to not tempt each other too much. We aren’t allowed to see and think certain private things about each other, but she is seeing a lot in some of the movies that she watches. And it bothers me. (She’s my girl, my angel and I don’t like it when she does things that I wouldn’t do or don’t feel are right.)

I guess I am curious as to what I am to do. I am a worrier and things really bother me, I wish they didn’t. She has said she will work on things for me in the past. But I feel guitly, for trying to help her to be a better person, because I am trying to change who she is, when she accepts me for me. But I do want her to work on looking more into what she is going to watch. (To her it’s just a movie and she isn’t doing the stuff on there so it’s ok. But that doesn’t make it good for her to see.) - Also she says that she is human and not perfect.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanx.
 
idontknow said:
  • Also she says that she is human and not perfect.
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Reflect on the above very deeply.

If you want to have this relationship end soon, keep telling her what she can or should do or not do. You will soon be single again.

Not everyone is at the same place spiritually… Not everyone is perfect. ESPECIALLY in the area of faith and morals. I almost lost my marriage trying to tell my wife how she needed to change her living to meet how the church said she needed to live. Others can share my same experience, I’m sure.

You will either be compatible or not. If you can live with the differences, the best thing to do is preach by your actions and to pray.
 
Well first of all, I think you have some pretty valid concerns. I would be worried about anyone that I care about if they had been watching morally compromising videos, especially if they think that there is nothing wrong with doing it. The scriptures are clear that we become one with who and what we are surrounded with. I would definitely recommend you check out the book of Sirach, especially verses like 37:12-15 and 9:14-16

Both of you seem to be on different pages though, which is a huge concern for a relationship. We are on this Earth to grow in holiness each day, so I think if you’re running the race, and she is not, it will be like the scripture says, plowing with an “ox and a donkey together”.

You should definitely feel guilty for trying to change her. Instead, try becoming more holy yourself, surround yourself with people “who you are sure keeps the commandments; Who are like-minded like yourself and will feel for you if you fall”. Either she will clue in and do the same, or you will find both of you moving further and further apart from each other. The bottom line is to “heed your own heart’s council”.

Oh, and stop worrying. The minute you start worrying, you become a slave to your thoughts. I’ve been there and it is self destructive. Start saying the Jesus Prayer or something like that. Cast your thoughts on the rock that is Christ.
 
Take a look at the following verses below in Numbers 20: 3-13 (NAB)…I have emphasized what I want to recommend for your consideration. Notice what Moses and Aaron are told to do…and what they actually did.…how the Lord was still faithful and provided the water…even though he punishes Moses and Aaron for not doing precisely what he told them to do…manifest His sanctity to the assembly. 3 The people contended with Moses, exclaiming, “Would that we too had perished with our kinsmen in the LORD’S presence! 4 Why have you brought the LORD’S community into this desert where we and our livestock are dying? 5 Why did you lead us out of Egypt, only to bring us to this wretched place which has neither grain nor figs nor vines nor pomegranates? Here there is not even water to drink!” 6 But Moses and Aaron went away from the assembly to the entrance of the meeting tent, where they fell prostrate. Then the glory of the LORD appeared to them, 7 and the LORD said to Moses, 8 “Take the **staff **and assemble the community, you and your brother Aaron, and in their presence order the rock to yield its waters. From the rock you shall bring forth water for the community and their livestock to drink.” 9 So Moses took the staff from its place before the LORD, as he was ordered. 10 He and Aaron assembled the community in front of the rock, where he said to them, "Listen to me, you rebels! Are we to bring water for you out of this rock?" 11 Then, raising his hand, Moses struck the rock twice with his staff, and water gushed out in abundance for the community and their livestock to drink. 12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you were not faithful to me in showing forth my sanctity before the Israelites, you shall not lead this community into the land I will give them." 13 These are the waters of Meribah, where the Israelites contended against the LORD, and where he revealed his sanctity among them.Here is my point: Their souls (the assembly of Jews) belong to the Lord…not to Moses or Aaron…who have **no right (absolutely no right) to berate them in a specific action that the Lord commanded them to do in his name.
**
You may be very correct/right in your view/decision about faithfully following the morality prescribed by the Lord (scripture, Magisterium, conscience)…but if you fail to show the Lord’s sanctity to your wife-to-be…He who owns her soul…not you…by how you present the Lord’s teaching to her…you are really “standing on the Lord’s holy ground with your shoes on”…
I make this same mistake all too often. No matter what the situation and with whomever it occurs…if I am trying to say/teach something that is clearly what must be done…especially as a Catholic Christian…I better not cross into that “holy ground of the Lord”…(with my shoes still on)…and fail to show them His sanctity (the unwavering and unconditional love that He has for them regardless of how clearly wrong their actions are) …especially when I am speaking or teaching something in His name and end up berating them (their soul). Teach, correct, propose…yes, by all means. But I would caution against letting it eat away at your mind…heart…soul…thus, causing a greater problem (for you) than the one you are trying to correct.Recommend: action…less words…leave the situation and her for the immediate impact…pray to the Holy Spirit…let her come to you to discuss it…if she comes trying to justify a wrong action…simply say that you disagree, but acknowledge that she has a right to do as she pleases…but that you will not be party to her actions.The really big question:…is this a significant pattern?..justifying acting against or not in accord with the Church’s teachings? (trying but failing…is not a “show stopper”…but justifying an immoral action by dismissing the Church’s teaching or saying the Church is wrong…would be a “show stopper” in my mind…if it is pattern). Don’t “wish away” the contradiction she is presenting…show her the Lord’s love…but also his unwillingness (actually inability) to say "evil is good or good is evil."Pax Christi
 
idontknow said:
What if your other (girlfriend/wife or vice versa) does stuff or is ok with stuff that you aren’t ok with. I am a perfectionist and I work very hard on my morals, so it bothers me that she doesn’t see some things as bad or wrong that I do.

The thing that is bothering me right now is that my girlfriend watched a movie last nite that by the Catholic site is considered Morally Offensive. (We got into a discussion or disagreement about a really bad movie that she watched once before a few months ago.) - I don’t feel that it is ok to watch those types of things. And it bothers me that she watched that movie last nite. I couldn’t sleep for a while because of it.

We are both Catholic and we are waiting until marriage for relations. So we try to be carefull when together to not tempt each other too much. We aren’t allowed to see and think certain private things about each other, but she is seeing a lot in some of the movies that she watches. And it bothers me. (She’s my girl, my angel and I don’t like it when she does things that I wouldn’t do or don’t feel are right.)

I guess I am curious as to what I am to do. I am a worrier and things really bother me, I wish they didn’t. She has said she will work on things for me in the past. But I feel guitly, for trying to help her to be a better person, because I am trying to change who she is, when she accepts me for me. But I do want her to work on looking more into what she is going to watch. (To her it’s just a movie and she isn’t doing the stuff on there so it’s ok. But that doesn’t make it good for her to see.) - Also she says that she is human and not perfect.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanx.
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I’d like to take a different tack, so don’t be offended, okay?

Do you consider yourself to be a control freak? Are you trying to control her too much?

Are you overly legalistic or scrupulous about your own behavior and spirituality?

Questions worth considering…
 
With free will we will do things that our spouse likes and dislikes. You will have to decide how tolerant you are and if the things she is doing justify finding another. You have to be able to discuss things that bother you to your spouse, they will continue to happen and you need to be able to communicate and discuss those issues to resolution. It may be you agree to disagree.
 
Would you mind telling us what she watched? Was it that bad?
 
Ok, so what can I do to not let it bother me (I am a worrier and re-think things). We can’t agree on everything, so how do I tell myself it is ok that we are ok with watching different things. We had an argument and she’s not sorry she watched it and was upset because I am trying to “contol her”, as she said. - I’m just trying to help.

I feel it is wrong and wish she wouldn’t have watched it. But I have to accept her how she is. She said, she is 25 and an adult so it’s ok to watch movies with adult content (no it was pornography).
 
idontknow said:
What if your other (girlfriend/wife or vice versa) does stuff or is ok with stuff that you aren’t ok with. I am a perfectionist and I work very hard on my morals, so it bothers me that she doesn’t see some things as bad or wrong that I do.
Click to expand...
A girlfriend is not the same as a wife.

The dating process is to discern the vocation of marriage and the person to whom you will be married. That process involves evaluating the other person in many areas. If you find that this is not an area where you believe you can compromise-- and morals certainly should not be an area of compromise-- then that is part of discerning whether or not she is the right spouse for you. There are many things we can compromise on-- where we will live, what kind of car we will buy, etc. But, faith and morals are not the area where we can do so.

If these things truly disturb you, then you need to consider that in the discernment process. That she sees nothing wrong with watching the morally offensive movies is problematic. If you were to marry, would she want to watch them? Want you to? How would you resolve the conflict?

A wife-- as opposed to a girlfriend-- is one with whom you have already taken your vows. So, hopefully you have fully discerned whether the person you are marrying has the same values and morals as you. And, if you find yourself in a disagreement once married, you should be able to call upon your shared morals and faith in order to work through the issue. If you have differing morals, that process becomes more difficult and problematic.
 
idontknow said:
Ok, so what can I do to not let it bother me (I am a worrier and re-think things). We can’t agree on everything, so how do I tell myself it is ok that we are ok with watching different things. We had an argument and she’s not sorry she watched it and was upset because I am trying to “contol her”, as she said.

I feel it is wrong and wish she wouldn’t have watched it. But I have to accept her how she is. She said, she is 25 and an adult so it’s ok to watch movies with adult content (no it was pornography).
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Are you saying what she watched was pornographic?

I disagree with those who are telling you it’s not your business what she watches. It certainly is if you are contemplating marrying her and she sees nothing wrong with watching something that you believe is morally inappropriate.

When you live in the same house, certainly you can each go watch what you want in separate rooms, but that doesn’t solve the root of the problem which is that she thinks it’s no big deal to watch something offensive-- and morally questionable-- and you do.

I wouldn’t want my spouse watching things morally inappropriate and possibly having that attitude as an example to children.
 
I can tell you from my experience that this kind of problem may have something to do with controlling and perhaps it may have something to do with not wanting to be accomplices. We don’t want to be accomplices, we don’t want to become accomplices, we also don’t want our wife-to-be to do objectionable things, we have trouble with our wife-to-be having a different moral stance on things. In a way, we also feel somewhat cheated and we resist our idealised image of her falling apart.

Now, if the film wasn’t pornographic, the totality of that film wasn’t wrong for merely one sex scene being there (or one theme etc). It would be wrong to watch the film for that scene and it would be wrong to enjoy that scene (or theme) as a boon that’s somehow due to you because the film isn’t wrong, so you can watch it, so the one scene is your gain. That would be untrue and wrong.

However, watching that scene if it’s integral in the story and if it doesn’t pose occasion to sin, doesn’t strike me as particularly wrong. Remember you can’t have a mortal sin of lust without consenting to or delighting in venereal pleasure. You can’t have near occasion to same sin without near occasion to doing the above. And remember only God knows the hearts of men and we shouldn’t presume to know too much (we never really know).

If she doesn’t watch it for the kicks, doesn’t accept the kicks as a boon and doesn’t recklessly risk doing either, then the problem is small if at all. You’d have a problem if she thought it was fine to seek or enjoy sexual stimulation coming from sex scenes in normal films, or that it was no big deal whether you did that or not. If she simply claims it doesn’t challenge her purity, then you don’t have a big problem unless you know she’s deluding herself.

Obviously, if this mattered a lot to you and you couldn’t arrive at an agreement, and this made an obstacle to your relationship, then you should think again about marrying. But there are chances you are overreacting.
 
Do you want to marry her so badly that you are willing to
compromise your values just because some people think
it’s o.k.? She has already said you are trying to control her.
You are not compatible with her at this time. But if you have
to choose, who do you want to be compatible with: her or God?
She cannot get you to heaven, and you won’t be able to blame
her before God when you give in to the programming, so as not
to be controlling her. God already knows that you know better.
Believe it or not, there really are girls in the world who do not
enjoy offensive programming. You will be wise to listen to Ike.

Gosh, in reading what I wrote, I can’t change my mind. Yet it
sounds kind of unfriendly. I just wish you the best, and that you
will always grow closer and closer to God.
.:blessyou:
 
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