Dear Bob,
Your reply to where you got your “ideas” about God is simply your word, “Experience”. If all you “hear” is your own ideas about your experience, how can you expect to hear anything else? You want a relationship with God, but you seem too full of your ideas on “bad luck” to allow God to say anything.
If you can’t hear God, maybe you’re really not listening – really listening – to what He has said and what He continues to say through His Holy Spirit. God knows, you need more than your experience to teach you what is His Truth.
If you really “listen” to what the Saints wrote about their experiences, you might hear what they heard from God. I marvel too at the terribly difficult experieces they had, but please “hear” how saints continually offered their sufferings, in union with Jesus, believing and trusting God. St. Monica prayed 20 years for the conversion of her son. St. Paul of the Cross suffered 50 years from “spiritual darkness” of faith, as did Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. Saints become saints through their experiences because they persevere in the darkness. They learn to believe in God’s Love and practice patience in suffering. They never give up, nor stop looking at Jesus; listening to His “experience” on His Cross.
All of us suffer; you are not alone. I’ve had my share of sufferings as have others who read your words and know something of “where you’re coming from”. God allows suffering but you seem unwilling to “listen” to Him in Scripture, or through His saints. I’ve suggested several things to read , but you seem to prefer “your experience”. Did you ever read the Book of Job? Did you listen to how Job went through his experience and all God said to Job? Did you read the story of creation in the Book of Genesis and hear God say all He created was good, indeed very good?
Did you ever read Scripture or the Catechism to learn what Scripture and God’s Church teach about God’s Will? You said in your last reply to me:
CatholicBob:
He’s giving me the silent treatment because he’s angry at me and I’m a disappointment to him.
God has every right to be angry at sin because He knows how we hurt ourselves by our sins, but God is “the friend of sinners”. God hates the sin; but loves the sinner. Jesus on the Crucifix says: “Father, forgive them…”
Listen to Jesus’ words! Listen to the thief’s words too. The thief hanging on the cross asked Jesus to remember him when Jesus came into His kingdom, and received Jesus’ words: “This day you will be with me in paradise”.
We are not immediately in heaven after Baptism, but we are immeasurably close! We can keep growing closer – which is why I recommended the book, “The Ordinary Path to Holiness” written by a layman who has helped others to find in Scripture and in the words of saints and in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, a way forward – to grow in holiness rather than give up and grow depressed and risk falling even into despair.
Seems to me you’re repeating some of your comments, no matter what I offer; that is your choice. It just seems again you’re unwilling to step outside your own ideas regarding your experience. For instance you said this:
… we must give up self because the self is evil.
You are misunderstanding God’s creation and our re-creation into Christ by our Baptism. We are freed from selfishness if we choose to remain in His Love as Jesus tells us in John 15. It is when we choose to love ourselves so much we begin preferring self to God, and become selfish, rather than God-like. It is a constant choice and the that is why it is so important to persevere in prayer. We choose either evil or God. God did not create our human nature as evil. Human beings choose to seek God and become saints or refuse God and choose evi for themselvesl. We are free to choose. By faith, we believe in God’s love, choosing Him in every experience. Try listening to the Catechism on Baptism.
Please choose wisely, in your search for a Spiritual Director. You may not find a good one. St. John of the Cross warns people that some directors can hinder rather than help. St. Teresa wrote about some spiritual directors she had who seemed not to have the strong faith she had and were confusing. Some saints did not have Spiritual Directors but stayed close to Jesus in the Scriptures and in prayer to the Blessed Mother and praying to saints for help on their path to holiness.
Please do not compare God the Father with yourself or any other human father because God is far more loving, and wise than human persons. He is God, we are not. He is Divine Love Love and Divine Wisdom. He knows our human needs because He created us. He sent His Son to assume a human nature to help us. Jesus tells the story of the Prodigal son. The father in that story helps us to understand how much God longs for our coming home to Him. It took awhile before the prodigal son came to understand his father’s love. Another book I recommended is by the same layman whose second book was on the Our Father. The Catechism also has many beautiful and true words to help us pray the prayer Jesus taught us, “Our Father…”
I sincerely hope and pray, you will let go of that part of yourself seeking only your own understanding, and turn to hear what God teaches in Scripture, words of the saints and others in His Church who are asking, seeking and knocking on the door of His Heart. We can learn so much by faith in God’s Love, trusting in the power of His Holy Spirit sent to bring us into ALL Truth. Bob, I hope you continue also to pray to Mary, for she is a Mother and a Model for all of us.