Difficult family situation, don’t know what to do

[user021923]

Hi everyone! Firstly, I wanted to say that although my account is new, I enjoy reading these forums and have been for a while. I’m in a difficult situation right now, and I wanted to ask to see if anyone had been through something similar or could give some guidance.

I’m a college student who was raised Catholic. My siblings seem to practice out of obligation to my parents, who bring us to Mass. Two of us are college students who are back because of the pandemic but my sister is in high school and has been the only one at home with my parents from August to March.

In high school I became involved in my youth group at my parish and went to retreats and conferences, and helped out with organizing music for youth Masses. Through this I learned about doctrine and developed a spiritual connection with the faith. I’m in my second year at a prominent Jesuit university, and spent last academic year enjoying being able to go to Mass whenever I wanted (every day lol), talking with priests on campus, taking serious theology classes etc. I really love my faith.

The pandemic has been difficult for me but focusing on gratitude and God has helped; one of the things that has been especially hard has been family life. The other day I was convinced that my younger sister had taken something from me, so I was looking in her room when she was out. I opened a jewelry box and found herbs, flower petals, and salt. She has a lot of candles surrounding this area and won’t let anybody near where it’s set up. She also has a journal I gave her a few months ago that I told her to use for gratitude and positivity. I don’t know why I looked in it but I was really disturbed by what she wrote. There were accounts of how she would hurt herself and “spells” that referred to a “goddess”.

Our family life has been rough to say the least - these past few months it feels like we’ve just been hit by so much tragedy. I also struggled a lot with mental health in high school, and meditation and asking for intercession from saints really helped. I know that my sister probably feels hopeless, but she’s so young and I don’t know how to deal with knowing that she is turning to this to cope. I shouldn’t have invaded her privacy but my mother and I are worried about her, and have advised her before to get involved with youth ministry. I also know that nowadays unconventional practices (like witchcraft) and toxic coping mechanisms are popular trends on social media platforms, especially TikTok, which I know she has.

I will tell my mother about this but I don’t know how, especially since my sister is always around when my mother is and never lets anybody into her room or even glance for too long of a time at her stuff. She’s so young and I don’t want to sound preachy but I don’t understand why she was so reluctant to do anything at church but is so into these things that are not of God. I don’t know what to do, and have always tried to counsel her as an older sibling but she never opens up - I would never have known about those thoughts she had. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I plan on talking to my mom about it today but any advice would really help. Thanks so much.

 

[Lou2U]

Let your mother take the lead on this. You need to be taking on a sisterly role, not a parental one. You shouldn’t have looked in her journal, so if your mother tells her that’s how she found out, you need to apologise and accept how she feels towards you.

I suggest you take a step back from trying to counsel her and encouraging her to get more involved at church. Just spend time with her - watch a tv show together, or a movie, do something light. Let her lead. Don’t preach at her, don’t try to push her into your interests. Show her that you want to be involved by being around her and doing what she wants. If you do this, then I think she will open up to you more about what’s on her mind. If she thinks she’ll get a lecture for it, then she won’t bother so you need to be as willing to listen as possible.

Also don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t rush to blame social media, or assume she’s taking part in witchcraft. Your mother should sit down with her and listen to what she says. Don’t expect her to take it well, though.

 

[Beryllos]

It sounds like you are in a big hurry to correct your sister. Be patient.

I would be more concerned about the self-harm. You wrote “hurt herself.” You mean like cutting? Perhaps you or your mother can look up how to address that, or seek counseling. Girls pick it up from social media, I guess, and sometimes they trust strangers on the internet more than family members. It’s a challenge for parents.

The fake spirituality will probably sort itself out with time and gentle family catechesis. The longing for God is written in her heart. That’s why she is exploring. With God’s help, your family can redirect her spirituality, but you have to be patient. She might have to grow up a bit before Catholicism makes sense to her.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I agree with Lou2U.

First of all, OP, you crossed the line by looking through your sister’s personal items and especially her journal. If not for the fact that she mentioned possible self-harming behavior, I would tell you to just back off the whole thing. However, because there is a concern for her safety, I agree you need to tell your mom - the responsible parent here - and let her handle it.

Second, you need to stop expecting your sister to be a carbon copy of you and how you acted in high school. And stop trying to “diagnose” whatever problem you think she has. If she does indeed have trouble coping, she needs a doctor, not you telling her she needs to get all involved in church stuff and prayer. You can lead by example, invite her to come to church with you etc but you cannot make her be “just like you”, nor can you assume that she’s avoiding church because she’s involved with things that you say are “not of God”.

When you’re a teenage girl you want your own identity and that might mean that you don’t want to do what your older sibling is doing, in fact you might just go do the opposite because you’re sick of feeling pushed to act like your older brother or sister, or you want to be different from/ have a different life from your brother or sister. She might also have had to make some adjustments to the fact that two of her siblings are back in the home due to the pandemic, when before she had more space and perhaps more privacy (for example, you weren’t there poking through her private stuff).

In short - tell your mom, be prepared for your sister to be mad at you for looking in her journal, and then take a big step back from this situation unless your sister comes to you seeking your help or otherwise shows herself open to your overtures.