Difficult situation.

[mammacooka]

I have been married (civil) to my husband for almost 14 years. We have three wonderful children together who we are raising Catholic (as are my husband and I). My husband was married previously and was divorced due to an extra marital affair (the ex-wife; said grass was greener on the other side). Together they have a daughter. I have known my husband for years prior to our relationship. He is a wonderful man with good morals and is a great husband and father. His only down fall is his ability to stand up to his exwife who continues to control our lives.

About 10 years ago my baby brother asked me to be his sponsor for confirmation and our priest denied the request. I was then requested to be his sons godmother just three years ago and again was denied due to not being married in the church. I was told I was a siner and living and have given birth to a married mans children. He also reminded me I am not to receive communion due to the way of my life. Although I know this has been true hearing it broke my heart into a million pieces. My husband then meet with the priest for the information to start the process for an annulment. After three years my husband still has the paperwork in his backpack. Particially filled out but never followed through. He has a constant fear of the ex-wifes retaliation financially which is what she always threatens.

Just this past March his 17 year old daughter gave birth. Her mother has allowed her to raise the baby in her home and has moved the 19 year old boyfriend in for support and assistance. The daughter also attends a catholic high school which truely bothers my husband. Although we are prolife I dont believe a pregnant teenager belongs in a catholic high school. Relationships have fallen apart due to lies and manipulation with no apologies or admits to wrong behavior.

My youngest son recently made his first communion and my husbands daughter sitting in the back of the church walked up and received communion. Again my heart broke into a million pieces. Its ok for her but not me? We are good people and a good family and I feel like an outcast. Its just not fair. My husband continues to tell me he will submit the paper work for the annulment but yet to make any advancements.

My heart is broken into a million pieces. This one siituation is tearing me apart.

How long will an annulment take once started? They were married for just about 3 years. The ex-wife has two additional children from a relationship that did not work out and is now married (civil) to a woman in the state of good ole MA.

With a heavy heart. Thanks!

 

[Christy_Beth]

Get to working on those annulments!! Mine took, at most, a year, from the time I put in the paper work. To have the woman allow the 17 year old daughter to keep her baby, and then move in the boyfriend, is just plain crazy. If his ex starts trying to demand more money, tell her to prove her need in a court of law. She would have to prove that she needs help for the daughter to finish a private school, when a public one would have been enough. Anyway, the burden of proof is on her. Don’t let her blackmail you over this. The girl will no longer qualify for “child support” once she turns 18. Or is it other finances she’s threatening with? Like I"ve already said, tell her to back it up by taking it to court and see how well she fares there.

 

[mammacooka]

Thank you!

Threats are all financial for child support. Here is MA she can obtain child support up to the age of 23 if the child attends college or furthers her education. In MA it is standing child support until the age of 13 and then you can request am adjustment. She never did so she holds it over his head. I have asked my husband to give her the extra money just so we can go on with our lives. It’s also constant manipulation. Her way or else. My husband is a hard worker and we do on our own with what we have so for him it’s difficult knowing they would grant her more money. This is how it goes. Doesn’t matter here in this state and he pays $157.25 per week already. To me it’s not about the money. It’s about being able to be whole in our marriage and the faith we are bringing our children up in.

 

[1ke]

His only down fall is his ability to stand up to his exwife who continues to control our lives.

I am not sure how she can “control your lives”. She is not in it. His daughter is, basically, an adult. She cannot control access to the daughter.

My husband then meet with the priest for the information to start the process for an annulment. After three years my husband still has the paperwork in his backpack. Particially filled out but never followed through.

Encourage him to fill it out. He does not need to speak to his ex wife at all during the process.

He has a constant fear of the ex-wifes retaliation financially which is what she always threatens.

How could she retaliate financially? Or at all? Get a lawyer if she threatens you.

Its ok for her but not me?

No it’s not OK for her either.

We are good people and a good family and I feel like an outcast. Its just not fair. My husband continues to tell me he will submit the paper work for the annulment but yet to make any advancements.

My only suggestion is that you continue to encourage your husband to FILE THE PAPERWORK.

You could also talk to your pastor about the possibility of you and your husband living as “brother and sister” so that you can resume the sacraments.

How long will an annulment take once started?

We cannot answer that question. Each case is unique.

They were married for just about 3 years. The ex-wife has two additional children from a relationship that did not work out and is now married (civil) to a woman in the state of good ole MA.

Well, it sound like there is evidence of some serious issues, perhaps enough to challenge the validity of the marriage.

Were they married in the Catholic Church?

 

[JackieMom]

Have you considered practicing celibacy until your husband’s annulment comes through (if it does), and you are married validly? This is the option that is advisable if returning to the sacraments is important to you.

Remember that the tragedy here is not JUST that you have not really been married all these years, but also that you have both separated yourselves from the healing, beauty and grace that are our sacraments. While you cannot rectify the marriage situation immediately, you CAN reconnect with the sacraments by confessing your sins and living as “brother and sister” until the marriage is validated.

And we do not know if it is okay for your husband’s daughter to recieve communion. Having a baby out of wedlock is not a sin, and she very well could have confessed the premarital sex. We do not know if she continues to sleep with the baby’s father, only that they live under the same roof.

Talk to your pastor, and good luck.

 

[StaTeresita]

It is indeed difficult and I am in a similar one (without a husband’s ex-wife pressing on him/us and also without children on that previous marriage).

It took a lot of prayer but he has now filled out all the paperwork for the anullment.

I understand your desire to take communion, I am in the same position! We too have three children and they have a great dad. But I understand I put myself in this situation by not taking care of marrying properly to begin with.

I think the Church wants the best for me (for us), I acknowledge my mistakes and very much regret my sins. I think it makes sense and it is consistent that I am not to partake of the sacraments (or be a godmother) because I am technically living with another woman’s husband.

Whether or not other people receive communion when they should not, does not concern me. I mean, it does, it should not be happening! But I don’t look at them and think “why they and not me?”

I do want to take communion and repair my relationship with God. I pray hard for His mercy so that we may receive that declaration of nullity and also, in the mean time, see if the Holy Spirit can move my husband (who is not Catholic but has recently express a desire to join the RCIA) so he can consider us living as brother and sister while our relationship reaches the sacramental level and, that way, be able to take communion again.

Be not afraid!

 

[ricofall]

I have been married (civil) to my husband for almost 14 years. We have three wonderful children together who we are raising Catholic (as are my husband and I). My husband was married previously and was divorced due to an extra marital affair (the ex-wife; said grass was greener on the other side). Together they have a daughter. I have known my husband for years prior to our relationship. He is a wonderful man with good morals and is a great husband and father. His only down fall is his ability to stand up to his exwife who continues to control our lives.

About 10 years ago my baby brother asked me to be his sponsor for confirmation and our priest denied the request. I was then requested to be his sons godmother just three years ago and again was denied due to not being married in the church. I was told I was a siner and living and have given birth to a married mans children. He also reminded me I am not to receive communion due to the way of my life. Although I know this has been true hearing it broke my heart into a million pieces. My husband then meet with the priest for the information to start the process for an annulment. After three years my husband still has the paperwork in his backpack. Particially filled out but never followed through. He has a constant fear of the ex-wifes retaliation financially which is what she always threatens.

Just this past March his 17 year old daughter gave birth. Her mother has allowed her to raise the baby in her home and has moved the 19 year old boyfriend in for support and assistance. The daughter also attends a catholic high school which truely bothers my husband. Although we are prolife I dont believe a pregnant teenager belongs in a catholic high school. Relationships have fallen apart due to lies and manipulation with no apologies or admits to wrong behavior.

My youngest son recently made his first communion and my husbands daughter sitting in the back of the church walked up and received communion. Again my heart broke into a million pieces. Its ok for her but not me? We are good people and a good family and I feel like an outcast. Its just not fair. My husband continues to tell me he will submit the paper work for the annulment but yet to make any advancements.

My heart is broken into a million pieces. This one siituation is tearing me apart.

How long will an annulment take once started? They were married for just about 3 years. The ex-wife has two additional children from a relationship that did not work out and is now married (civil) to a woman in the state of good ole MA.

With a heavy heart. Thanks!

My heart goes out to you. I come from a broken home and saw my brother’s marriage fall apart.
Given what you said, should the daughter been able to receive communion? No. However the priest most likely does not know that. I was told once by my priest that we should never judge if a person should receive communion since we truly do not know what is in their heart. We should only concern ourselves with what is in our heart if if we can receive communion. However, I was once that person that took communion under sin. Of course was not into my faith as I am now and now I understand what it really means. I was foolish back then and still regret my choices then. Pray for her and that she understands what she is doing.

After three years my husband still has the paperwork in his backpack. Particially filled out but never followed through. He has a constant fear of the ex-wifes retaliation financially which is what she always threatens.

This part is what I am most concerned with. Why did he not fill it out and turn them in. Also you will have to talk about what happens if the annulment is declined. If he is a faithful practicing Catholic, then he needs to do the right thing and finish the paperwork. I am concerned that there is something else going on here, like he is afraid of being denied the annulment or reliving old memories.

You are in a tough situation. Be strong and remember we all have crosses to bear, you are never alone.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The ex-wife has two additional children from a relationship that did not work out and is now married (civil) to a woman in the state of good ole MA.

With a heavy heart. Thanks!

Your husband’s ex is living as a lesbian. I am pretty sure that once that is revealed to the tribunal, he will be granted an annulment. I don’t know why your husband won’t go forward with the papers other than that he fears recrimination from his ex. But in the meantime, you are stuck in a really difficult place. You can’t get your marriage convalidated; you can’t be a godmother to your nieces and nephews; you can’t sponsor anyone for confirmation. I would sit down with your husband and tell him frankly how not being able to participate fully in the Mass is hurting you deeply. And pray for him to have the courage to get those papers filled out and submitted.

Would he talk to your priest about it? Perhaps the priest could explain the process better or reassure your husband in some way.

 

[joanofarc2008]

The Tribunal will need to notify your OH’s (Other half’s) ex - however, her participation is not required. She can choose to participate or not participate. It sounds to me as though her personality simply will not change regardless. My advice albeit free - which is probably what it is worth - is to go through the process. This way you will know for sure. It will not change her role in your life. I would recommend your husband explain this to his teenage child prior to filing any paperwork - there is a great book called the Wedding that Wasn’t - that explains annulments. In this way it will explain that she is still legitimate should the decree of nullity go through, this will keep his ex from saying anything ugly to the child. God bless,