Difficult Situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter Melodeonist
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Melodeonist

Guest
I have a few sins that I know are mortal (such as getting into political arguments again with my mother :() and I plan on confessing them. However, I may not be able to do so because we may visit relatives for Mothers day. Our relatives all live several hours away. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see our relatives. However, there is a big issue.

My father would most likely be the driver, and he is a very scary driver. He ignores the speed limit, and often cuts other drivers off. We will also be crossing a bridge which is falling apart. He will probably also be drinking when we visit the relatives and will be the one driving back too. I do not feel safe with him driving. :eek:

I could offer to drive, but he will probably bring his car. His car is a manual and I can’t drive a manual. My mother would be a safer driver than my father, but my father never lets her drive his car (even though she knows how to drive a manual.)

What’s the best choice here? Should I go with them to see relatives (and possibly not see the next day), or stay home and go to confession? :confused:
 
Melodeonist said:
My mother is always bringing up politics, and I have trouble not defending my position. My mother is a very pro choice liberal person, and I can’t help defending the pro life conservative side.
Click to expand...
In and of itself, I don’t believe this is grave matter. Now if you two are getting into fist fights over the topic, that would be something else.

Have you asked a priest if your political conflicts with your mother are grave matter? If not, I’d suggest you do rather than simply assume they are.
 
Melodeonist said:
My father would most likely be the driver, and he is a very scary driver. He ignores the speed limit, and often cuts other drivers off. We will also be crossing a bridge which is falling apart. He will probably also be drinking when we visit the relatives and will be the one driving back too. I do not feel safe with him driving. :eek:

I could offer to drive, but he will probably bring his car. His car is a manual and I can’t drive a manual. My mother would be a safer driver than my father, but my father never lets her drive his car (even though she knows how to drive a manual.)

:
Click to expand...
Being in a similar situation of not wanting to ride with a very bad driver, I was honest with the individuals wife, and told her I couldn’t ride with them. A few co-workers and I drove ourselves, following the other people. The wife understood and was fine with it. It is different when it is your parents, I understand, but it is/could be your life, why chance it??
 
It’s not a sin to argue with your mother. Unless you are being disrespectful. Even that might not be mortal.

You are right to argue your (morally correct) position to your mother.
 
For the OP, maybe what could be of benefit for you is having a good examination of conscience guide?

scborromeo.org/confess.htm
FOURTH COMMANDMENT
“Honor your father and your mother.” (Ex 20:12)
Did I disobey or disrespect my parents or legitimate superiors?
Did I neglect my duties to my husband, wife, children or parents?
Did I neglect to give good religious example to my family?
Did I fail to actively take an interest in the religious education and formation of my children?
Did I fail to educate myself on the true teachings of the Church?
Did I give scandal by what I said or did, especially to the young?
Did I cause anyone to leave the faith?
Did I cause tension and fights in my family?
Did I care for my aged and infirm relatives?
Did I give a full day’s work for a full day’s pay?
Did I give a fair wage to my employees?
Click to expand...
I would think having a different opinion in politics than your mom is OK. Maybe just avoid discussing politics with her.
 
Thanks for the replies! 🙂

The worst my arguments with my mother get is occasional yelling, but that’s it.

Back to the topic, the visit will be to my grandmother who is 80 years old. She lives very far away (almost 4 hours). I would love to visit her, but I don’t want to go down there in a state of mortal sin (I have other sins in my notepad too, such as lying, accidentally being rude to my mother, losing my temper at the Windows 10 upgrade deleting my files, and finding women attractive.)

I’m not sure what my parents are even planning to be honest. I don’t know if my mother wants to go down on Saturday or Sunday. If she wants to go down on Sunday than I would have no issues with confession. 🙂
 
Sounds to me as if you may have some scrupulosity regarding your disagreements with your mother, unless you are being really ugly to her when you disagree. If you really are sure you met the three criteria for a mortal sin*, though, and if it is impossible to make it to Confession, see here for advice: catholic.com/quickquestions/must-we-confess-before-receiving-communion-because-god-cannot-be-in-the-presence-of-s
The Code of Canon Law states,
Click to expand...
Code: 
A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to . . . receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession unless there is a grave reason and there is no opportunity to confess; in this case the person is to remember the obligation to make an act of perfect contrition which includes the resolution of confessing as soon as possible. (CIC 916)
Click to expand...
*To refresh your mind on what those are, read the Catechism Nos. 1854-1864 regarding mortal and venial sin.

Your other dilemma is dealing with a dangerous driver, who may or may not be drinking as well. Sounds like this person is pretty stubborn and you could use some wise counsel on how to deal with that person in general. These situations can be pretty complicated with a lot of drama involved. If you are of age, you may just have to put your foot down, and the person will give you a fight - do you have a backup plan, like money to take a cab or bus? That would make it easier (albeit still unpleasant) to stick to your guns, if that person didn’t have the power over you in the situation.
 
If he both insists on bringing his car and refusing to let your mum drive (and because I think you are safe in “assuming” he will drink), don’t go.

If your mum isn’t safe in some other way without you going along too, please implore parishioners and neighbours to intervene to make him call off the trip or get those relatives to cancel the date.

Your parents surely have trusted friends of their own other than family members?

It sounds to me quarrelling with you about what she quarrels with you about is a far safer outlet for your mum than quarrelling with her husband about his driving or drinking!

I’ll say an Our Father that your dad and the relatives will get fresh ideas anyway.

Maybe they’ll have juice just for extra fun! Maybe your dad will want a change of car and driver!
 
3DOCTORS said:
Sounds to me as if you may have some scrupulosity regarding your disagreements with your mother, unless you are being really ugly to her when you disagree. If you really are sure you met the three criteria for a mortal sin*, though, and if it is impossible to make it to Confession, see here for advice: catholic.com/quickquestions/must-we-confess-before-receiving-communion-because-god-cannot-be-in-the-presence-of-s

*To refresh your mind on what those are, read the Catechism Nos. 1854-1864 regarding mortal and venial sin.

Your other dilemma is dealing with a dangerous driver, who may or may not be drinking as well. Sounds like this person is pretty stubborn and you could use some wise counsel on how to deal with that person in general. These situations can be pretty complicated with a lot of drama involved. If you are of age, you may just have to put your foot down, and the person will give you a fight - do you have a backup plan, like money to take a cab or bus? That would make it easier (albeit still unpleasant) to stick to your guns, if that person didn’t have the power over you in the situation.
Click to expand...
In my arguments with my mother I never try to be ugly to her. I just say typical points that are on my side, and my mother gets upset and thinks that I “hate women” because I am pro life. Sometimes she starts talking over me, and I have to yell to make my point. 🤷

I am an adult at 18, turning 19 in the late Summer, but I don’t think getting into a fight with my father would be a good idea. I could be wrong, but I don’t think a cab would want to drive from Connecticut to southern New Jersey. :o

Personally, I like to be on the safe side when it comes to sin. You never do know what might happen. You could choke to death eating pizza.
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
If he both insists on bringing his car and refusing to let your mum drive (and because I think you are safe in “assuming” he will drink), don’t go.

If your mum isn’t safe in some other way without you going along too, please implore parishioners and neighbours to intervene to make him call off the trip or get those relatives to cancel the date.

Your parents surely have trusted friends of their own other than family members?

It sounds to me quarrelling with you about what she quarrels with you about is a far safer outlet for your mum than quarrelling with her husband about his driving or drinking!

I’ll say an Our Father that your dad and the relatives will get fresh ideas anyway.

Maybe they’ll have juice just for extra fun! Maybe your dad will want a change of car and driver!
Click to expand...
I know it sounds crazy, but my parents don’t actually have any friends or have any sort of social life. My father talks to co-workers when he’s at work, but that’s about it.

My mother is afraid of our neighbors, and my father never really talks to them either.

They are baptized Catholics, but never go to church, so getting parish members to help would, unfortunately, not help much. 😦

When it comes to driving, my father gets very touchy it seems. If my parents are going somewhere, it’s always my father that drives.

Now don’t get me wrong, my father isn’t a drunk. He does, however, love to drink when visiting relatives.
 
Your family sounds a little dysfunctional.

My guess is that these arguments you have with your mother are ones you can’t win. Just say your piece and then walk away.

Your father should never drive with alcohol in his system. IF you think he is drunk, call the local police to be on the lookout for him, and give them his license plate number. You have a perfectly valid reason for turning him in. He is a dangerous driver, and I certainly would not want to meet up with someone like him.

Calling the police is a possibility. I did it once because two idiot drivers were out in the middle of traffic about to have a fist fight.
 
Also mention to your pastor that some of these issues of scruples, what constitutes sin, and other such concerns were not adequately covered in your RCIA since you wen t through it so recently.
You need a good Spiritual Director (such as your pastor or a Deacon) who can help you navigate these issues when they come up.
God bless.
 
It seems that we aren’t visiting relatives at all now. Not exactly sure what happened though. 🤷
 
I would suggest that melodeonist and virtually everyone else sort of take a deep breath.

I do not think melodeonist’s family is dysfunctional. I think they are…a family. A family that has a teenager in it who disagrees with his parents and thinks he’s right about lots of things and they’re wrong about lots of things. In other words, it sounds completely normal!

Now, OP: I also think - in fact I know - that it is not a sin to “find women attractive.” If anything it makes you normal.

Melodeonist, it’s great that you want to go to confession, but seriously, you have a really unhealthy view of sin: it seems to cloud your thoughts, such that you’re finding ways not to visit grandma (on Mother’s Day weekend, no less) because of an unhealthy fear of missing confession, because you have an also unhealthy view that you are constantly in a state of mortal sin (which you probably aren’t).

My advice? Spend as much time with grandma as you can. There will come a day when you can’t see her anymore, and God will understand that you skipped confession for her.

My other advice is to do whatever pianistclare tells you. She’s posted a million times, and I have never seen her give a single bad post.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top