Dilemma with wife over having more kids

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DeGuadalupe

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Hi, I’ve been married for 13 years, I’m 34 years old and my wife is 34 years old. We have a 9 year old daughter. I’m going through a dilemma with my wife. We got married when I was 21 years old and I was hoping to have three kids in a row. My wife had different plans. She did not want to have any children until later in our marriage. So, she started taking pills to avoid pregnancy. We then agreed to have children and when I was 25 years old, my daughter was born. I wanted to have at least two more children as quick as possible but my wife again decided that she did not want any children. So again she started using contraception. I insisted that I wanted to have children and that I thought that contraception was a sin but my wife decided that she wanted to wait.

When my daughter was 3 years old my daughter became sick and she almost died, but thankfully God allowed my daughter to stay with us and she got well. My wife then became traumatized and said that she did not want to have any kids at this moment because she wanted to take “better” care of my daughter. My wife is a very good mom and she has always taken care of my daughter but sometimes I think that she overprotects her because she is always scared that something is going to happen to her.

Finally this year, (my daughter is already 9), my wife and I agreed to have a baby. My wife stopped using contraception in January and nothing happened. Than in March we went to a doctor and she went through testing and turned out to be healthy enough to have children. Then I had to have a “semen count” to see if maybe I was the one with the problem, but the results showed normal and the doctor said that we should be good to have a baby and that if we were not pregnant within 3 months to go back to him.

Well, my wife’s sister became pregnant and in June she lost her baby due to complications. My cousin was pregnant too and she just lost her baby as well a couple of days ago. My wife then said that she does not want to get pregnant because she fears that something might happen to our baby. I told my wife that she cannot go living a life full of fear and that she needs to live life trusting in God. I guess she did not liked what I had to say.

What can I do? I feel torn because I love my wife but I also want to have more children. I recently started going back to church and taking the Eucharist, but if my wife goes back to contraception, then I will also be in sin. I want to be a good husband but I feel that my wife is being selfish and sometimes I feel that I have a grudge against her. I know that I sound selfish for saying this but I’ve also done things that I don’t like but that I know would make her happy.
 
If your wife is Catholic take her to a priest and talk about it there.
 
Look at it from your wife’s perspective. She married very young and wanted to wait a couple of years before starting a family, which was an idea that you did not really support. She had a baby, and you pressured her to immediately have another, instead of waiting a more typical amount of time between pregnancies and giving her body and mind a break.

Then she almost lost her child to illness.

Then she watched as loved one’s babies died. Her husband tells her to “just stop living in fear and trust God.”

She is gun-shy about having another child. I am not saying she is “right” - but her perspective is understandable. Has she talked to her physician about a possible anxiety disorder? They are REAL, and they can really negatively impact people’s quality of life. If she has one (and it sounds like she does, as well as PTSD from her only child nearly dying), she cannot just “get over it.” She cannot just choose to stop worrying and trust God. Her brain is malfunctioning and won’t let her just choose to let it all go and take a leap of faith.

She needs to talk to a physician, and for the time being you need to stop pressuring and start trying to understand where your wife is coming from. You say she is a fantastic mom. Support her in raising the child she has for now, get her to a good doctor, and pray.
 
I am the wrong person to ask about Catholic doctrine, but I believe that if you have tried to persuade your wife not to take contraceptives, then you may still have relations with her and partake of the Eucharist. Someone correct me if I am in error about this point.

Personally, I think more children would be a blessing to the family, including to your daughter, but you and your wife really need to be on the same page regarding your family size. It certainly could be that your wife is suffering from some sort of anxiety disorder as a previous poster suggested, but we can’t know that. In any case, a situation where you are resenting her for not wanting kids, or a situation where she’s resenting you for wanting more children, is not conducive to a healthy marriage. I think seeking pastoral advice is a great idea, but don’t go into it with the idea that you’re enlisting an ally to help change your wife’s mind.

I am sure that you are taking this matter to the Lord in prayer. Continue to do so, even if it seems that He is slow with an answer. I am very glad your little one recovered.
 
Does your wife feel that you are doing your share of housework and childcare? Do you spend enough time with the kid you’ve already got? Do you like the idea of a bunch of kids more than the reality?
 
DeGuadalupe said:
I told my wife that she cannot go living a life full of fear and that she needs to live life trusting in God. I guess she did not liked what I had to say.
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For what it’s worth, your sentiment is absolutely correct, but people who are living in fear tend not to like to hear this.
 
DeGuadalupe said:
Hi, I’ve been married for 13 years, I’m 34 years old and my wife is 34 years old. We have a 9 year old daughter. I’m going through a dilemma with my wife. We got married when I was 21 years old and I was hoping to have three kids in a row. My wife had different plans. She did not want to have any children until later in our marriage. So, she started taking pills to avoid pregnancy. We then agreed to have children and when I was 25 years old, my daughter was born. I wanted to have at least two more children as quick as possible but my wife again decided that she did not want any children. So again she started using contraception. I insisted that I wanted to have children and that I thought that contraception was a sin but my wife decided that she wanted to wait.

When my daughter was 3 years old my daughter became sick and she almost died, but thankfully God allowed my daughter to stay with us and she got well. My wife then became traumatized and said that she did not want to have any kids at this moment because she wanted to take “better” care of my daughter. My wife is a very good mom and she has always taken care of my daughter but sometimes I think that she overprotects her because she is always scared that something is going to happen to her.

Finally this year, (my daughter is already 9), my wife and I agreed to have a baby. My wife stopped using contraception in January and nothing happened. Than in March we went to a doctor and she went through testing and turned out to be healthy enough to have children. Then I had to have a “semen count” to see if maybe I was the one with the problem, but the results showed normal and the doctor said that we should be good to have a baby and that if we were not pregnant within 3 months to go back to him.

Well, my wife’s sister became pregnant and in June she lost her baby due to complications. My cousin was pregnant too and she just lost her baby as well a couple of days ago. My wife then said that she does not want to get pregnant because she fears that something might happen to our baby. I told my wife that she cannot go living a life full of fear and that she needs to live life trusting in God. I guess she did not liked what I had to say.

What can I do? I feel torn because I love my wife but I also want to have more children. I recently started going back to church and taking the Eucharist, but if my wife goes back to contraception, then I will also be in sin. I want to be a good husband but I feel that my wife is being selfish and sometimes I feel that I have a grudge against her. I know that I sound selfish for saying this but I’ve also done things that I don’t like but that I know would make her happy.
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You are not sinning if you have intercourse with your wife if she uses contraception as long as she knows you object to it and you try to make her understand. Here is some documentation both from Fr. Serpa and a link to the Vatican document that deals with it.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=21761&highlight=wife+using+contraception
 
As far as I’m concerned, her concerns are valid and she has every right to be scared. Instead of pushing it, just be there and pray for her and talk it out when she needs to talk. Who knows in a year from now someone will get pregnant and she will have that baby bug again.

You could also consider adopting a child it could be a compromise for the both of you. In Canada we have a program called foster to adopt, your area could have a similar program. You begin to foster and then you can later adopt the child. It is a process that can take a long often years but you would be giving a child a second chance. Plus sometimes children have other siblings so you could look into adopting their siblings as well.

Don’t give up. Just trust God and give your wife some time to heal and work through her emotions. Plus, you could always look into some couple’s counselling (preferable from a christian counsellor) which could help the both of you work through your issues and fears.
 
SecretGarden said:
As far as I’m concerned, her concerns are valid and she has every right to be scared. Instead of pushing it, just be there and pray for her and talk it out when she needs to talk. Who knows in a year from now someone will get pregnant and she will have that baby bug again.

You could also consider adopting a child it could be a compromise for the both of you. In Canada we have a program called foster to adopt, your area could have a similar program. You begin to foster and then you can later adopt the child. It is a process that can take a long often years but you would be giving a child a second chance. Plus sometimes children have other siblings so you could look into adopting their siblings as well.

Don’t give up. Just trust God and give your wife some time to heal and work through her emotions. Plus, you could always look into some couple’s counselling (preferable from a christian counsellor) which could help the both of you work through your issues and fears.
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The OP’s been married for 13 years, and his wife’s been reluctant to have children for a long time; just waiting isn’t going to do anything. If he’s wanting to have biological children, the best time for the wife is now; while it is absolutely true that people have children into their forties, the incidence of miscarriages, problems with the baby, and obstetric-medical complications goes up with age.

Let me emphasize–I completely agree that the OP should not try to force his wife to “come around” to the idea of a baby, nor should he resent her for her fears, but just waiting is only going to run down the ol’ biological clock. And adoption is a great idea, but again, both parties absolutely need to be on board for that to be a success. One way or another, this issue must be dealt with.
 
The CC does not consider it a sin if your spouse cannot be convinced to stop ABC. So you are still allowed to have sex with your wife.

Your wife sounds extremely anxious though. I think she would benefit from a thorough medical assessment with bloods for iron, thyroid, cortisol etc. She may also need therapy.
 
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