Disagreement on BC and more kids

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CountryMom27

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Hi - I’m new here, I’m 37 and a mom to two boys, 4 and almost 2. I was raised Protestant and converted last summer; my husband is 46 and is an active “cradle” Catholic. We’ve been married almost 9 years.

Here’s our issue. I want to have another child. We discussed having 2-3 kids when we were engaged, I was always clear that I wanted 3, he wanted 2-3, so I didn’t figure this would be an issue. I would like for us not to “try” to get pregnant but to leave it up to God and stop using BC. He insists on using BC and doesn’t want to have a third child. I don’t fully understand his reasons but he feels as it is that he doesn’t get to spend enough time with our boys, and that another child would add to the stress we as a family have been under.

It’s been a very difficult time for us since our kids were born - several major illnesses and surgeries (kids, me), home renovation, difficult pregnancies, financial worries. And, primarily, his job is a major stresser for us as he is not happy. But that’s another story; he has decided he’s staying in the job for another few years.

Financially, things are tight but we could make it work. I stay home with the kids and I’m willing to go back to work for a year or so to add to our savings before trying to have another child.

Our priest is very kind but not very helpful with this sort of thing. He’s not a very effective advisor/counselor. It’s become the elephant in the room that we just can’t agree on.

I also feel like a hypocrite. I used BC for years before we had our kids, DH and I lived together before we were married, and now here I am not wanting to use BC. I’m torn too because I feel called/drawn to having another child to expand our family and expand the love and joy we have, but I don’t know if that’s my own personal desire or God’s will.

I feel lost and could use some advice. Thanks –
 
Just because you have done some things wrong in the past and want to do them right, you should not be feeling like a hypocrite. You should be feeling like a work in progress, and you’re doing great work!

The birth control probably gives your husband a false sense of control. What type of birth control are you using? If it is the pill, you could let him know that you plan to stop taking it as you need to listen to your conscience. It would then be up to him to make some decisions about whether he wants to learn NFP or if he wants to use a form of birth control that doesn’t directly involve you (ie. condoms).

Have you read The Good News about Sex and Marriage? Maybe reading that together with your husband would be a good way to go.

It’s kind of an exciting time for you and your husband. I hope he opens up to trusting God and being open to life. What a blessing that would be in your marriage.
 
My suggestion is that you take things in order.

If you read the various threads here you will find all kinds of reasons not to use birth control. I’d make it your first step to research natural family planning (NFP) and propose to your husband that you want to be a good Catholic by transitioning to it.

I’m guessing you’ll be getting all kinds of web links, book suggestions, classes, etc.

The subject of whether or not to try to have another baby will naturally flow out of looking into NFP. But I think the matter of getting off ABC (*artificial *birth control) should be your primary focus right now.
 
ABC. I offered to use NFP but he said no way - as he put it, the wagon doesn’t leave the stable unless it’s covered. My cycles are very stable and I know exactly when I’m ovulating because I essentially used reverse-NFP to get pregnant each time. We’re using condoms.

I haven’t read the book you suggested - I’ll definately look into it. I’ve been thinking about contacting his former priest, who is now retired but was the one who co-officiated at our wedding. He thinks the world of this priest. I thought maybe if we could sit down together and he could see that we need to let God in on this decision.
 
CountryMom27 said:
ABC. I offered to use NFP but he said no way - as he put it, the wagon doesn’t leave the stable unless it’s covered. My cycles are very stable and I know exactly when I’m ovulating because I essentially used reverse-NFP to get pregnant each time. We’re using condoms.
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You should look into an NFP training course and/or book. NFP isn’t just for trying to avoid, it’s also for trying to conceive!
CountryMom27 said:
I’ve been thinking about contacting his former priest, who is now retired but was the one who co-officiated at our wedding. He thinks the world of this priest. I thought maybe if we could sit down together and he could see that we need to let God in on this decision.
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Sounds like a great idea. Pray lots too, that your husband will be willing to meet and talk about this. 🙂
 
I think you definitely need to read up on the effectiveness of NFP. When practiced correctly, it is more effective than condoms. Honestly, I can’t understand why your husband would want to use condoms if it is unnecessary. Let him know that you want him…with nothing coming between you two. I think if he does some reading and understands what NFP really is, he might come around.
 
Your Priest should not be advising you to use ABC, you know that is a grave sin.

Many prayers for you!
 
CountryMom27 said:
ABC. I offered to use NFP but he said no way - as he put it, the wagon doesn’t leave the stable unless it’s covered. .
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Well, could we assume he’s not opposed to periodic abstenance? That’s usually a big problem.
CountryMom27 said:
I haven’t read the book you suggested - I’ll definately look into it.
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I’m a big promoter of The Good News About Sex and Marriage, too. It changed our life. IMO don’t wait to get the book. And I suggest you don’t take a chance on the priest until you know what the priest will tell him. I’ve read several stories of how that went wrong.😦

You want change and it sound like he’s fine where he is. It takes two to make the commitment you two need. Hopefully, he’ll accept your invitation to guilt free living using NFP after reading TGNAS&M. If it were me, I’d be hessitant because I knew you’d like another baby (and I didn’t). And from experience, I’d likely think condoms are more reliable. “Contraception. Why not” might also help. I’ve lost my pointer to that. Sorry. Someone else here has it, though.

There’s all sorts of sneaky ways to deal with behavioral change and I hope it does not come to that. I think you should be honest about your concern about ABC and read the aforementioned book, together. Then discuss what is right for you and your family.

Peace to you and your husband! And prayers, too. You are in good company. Many have realized this situation and changed.
 
CountryMom27 said:
Here’s our issue. I want to have another child. We discussed having 2-3 kids when we were engaged, I was always clear that I wanted 3, he wanted 2-3, so I didn’t figure this would be an issue. I would like for us not to “try” to get pregnant but to leave it up to God and stop using BC. He insists on using BC and doesn’t want to have a third child…
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This seems pretty clear…you both want different things re: # of children and if you’re asking your husband to give up (birth) control and to let you take it over before you’ve come to a clear agreement on adding to your family, it’s not surprising he’s hesitant.

Regardless of your premarital understanding of how many kids he wanted, you need to deal with him as he is now–father of two, under stress and unwilling to add any more kids to the family. If he does not change his mind/heart–you cannot impose this obligation upon him–either deliberately or by unilaterally abandoning means that prevent conception.

That said, you could certainly work on adding NFP into your marriage. You sound familiar with your cycle and that your regularity would allow you to control your fertility with a high degree of assurance. What you are proposing is really two different things–how best to avoid pregnancy until such time (if any) that your husband is open to it and, aside from growing your family, to get away from using ABC as a couple. Your best bet is to educate yourself first and then through prayer, example and patience to bring your husband along in time.
 
So he is the one using ABC. Will pray for him that his Confessor will guide him, and you both.
 
Remember also, that if he is against this, getting your way on this issue will only bring harship for the both of you. Without his 100% support and agreement to another child, he could act very coldly.

Imagine going through pregnancy with no support from him, perhaps he ignores your discomforts. Imagine if he didn’t show up at the hospital during the delivery. Maybe he will refuse to care for the baby, or even interact with the baby.

I am not in anyway saying your husband is a brute. But, just keep in mind that it takes two to make that little baby and he should feel positive about it, too. If he doesn’t life will feel horrible to him and you, and most likely that effect will be felt by all the kids.

I would personally drop the argument for a child and work on the issues driving his hesitance. You named a lot of issues that even one alone would drive someone to fear pregnancy, but you happen to have several.

Maybe focus only on him for a little while…build him up and spend some couple time together.

A little TLC and some time to recover from life’s troubles could change his heart.
 
I offer only the general observation, that in restricting your discussion to the issue of ABC, you both are successfully avoiding the need to deal with what your husband seems to identify as the real issue, his work, its demands and stress on himself and the family.
 
I am surprised no one mentioned this before- you said your husband is an **active “cradle” Catholic **but that he is the one insisting that you use ABC? Does he know that he is going against the teachings of the Church, which forbid the use of any artificial means of contraception and instead only “allow” use of NFP in serious circumstances?

I hope your husband is not currently receiving Holy Communion at Mass if he is aware of the teachings of the Church and still not abiding by them. Maybe you could sit down with your husband and approach this by way of talking about your concern for his immortal soul…
 
puzzleannie said:
I offer only the general observation, that in restricting your discussion to the issue of ABC, you both are successfully avoiding the need to deal with what your husband seems to identify as the real issue, his work, its demands and stress on himself and the family.
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I agree.

I would only mention that should he continue to keep “his wagon” covered when he heads off for the “old west” then you are not at fault, and not sinning. He is. While you have a duty to convince him, you do not have to be so persuasive it becomes pesty. You’ve told him, he’s not interested in talking about it. You can leave the door open for more conversation, but now it’s in God’s and his hands.
 
DH disagrees with the Church’s teachings on a few things (as do I) so while we are active and devout, neither of us 100% agrees with all of the teachings.

I’m not sure how to proceed. He hasn’t been to confession in some time; I went a few months ago but haven’t been since. I’m going to pick up that book and encourage DH to go to confession, and go myself. I don’t think he’d confess to using ABC because he doesn’t see it as a sin, but that’s between him and God. I’m not sure I feel it’s a sin, but I do feel it’s wrong in our case (and most cases).

I would never get pregnant purposely without DH’s support. He would absolutely welcome a child even if it were not planned but I love him too much to “sneak” my wishes on him. It’s not the type of marriage or relationship we have.

We’re having dinner tonight, just the two of us at home and I asked him if he could talk about his feelings about having another child and if I could take notes, because I’m so forgetful these days and I really focus better if I write things down.

I have a feeling there’s a lot I can do to allay his concerns and I just need to start doing those. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
 
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