C
Cambrius
Guest
I have been raised as an evangelical lutheran christian. I have lived my life pretty secularly (please note that I am 16 at the time of writing this), but I have always accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior (mostly subconciously and sometimes conciously). I never strived to be more holy in my life as I have been taught that salvation can be achieved trough faith only. Sometimes I flirted with catholic tought, but I was always repulsed by the tought of purgatory and the greater meaning of sin.
This continued until the first week of quarantine in my country. I was doing my religion exam and I stumbled across a fact that stated that the catholic church is the biggest charitable organisation in the world. For some reason I decided to research the church’s teachings more in depth instead of just scrolling trough the wikipedia article, so I went to read the cathechism on the internet. I obviously didn’t read the entire thing. The part I read was the part on the ten commandments and how they correlate with catholic living in the modern world. Based on that read something woke in me. Something that I didn’t know was in me. Something just fell in place and my view of my faith was completely changed somehow. It was if something had shattered in my mind. I began researching catholic doctorine more deeply than ever before and no longer was I deterred by concepts of purgatory or mortal sin. I felt uneasy when I contemplated my findings afterwards. I no longer enjoyed things like video games (which I used to like alot). Something just felt off when I played. I felt as if I was letting my Lord and Saviour down. I felt physically weak. I began praying daily. Some days I even prayed 5+ times.
After some days this calmed down and I could enjoy my passtimes again (not as fully as before all of this), but something was still off. It’s very hard to explain, but ever since that something fell onto place that day, there has been a weight on my mind. I do not know what it is. It doesn’t bother me too much, but I can’t just ignore it. After a lot of research on the catholic faith, I basically decided to live a catholic lifestyle and renounce all sin in my life and I plan on going to RCIA next autumn, but there is something in me that is fighting back. Something that stops me from commiting fully. It manifests as a feeling in my heart like a storm in my chest. Sometimes it is completely unbearable and I feel like dropping my faith completely and sometimes it is gone and when it is gone, I feel an inner peace. It’s the strongest when I am imagining my possible future as a catholic. I have started to read the Bible on a daily basis and my prayer routine has stayed strong.
I do not know where to go from here. All I ask is guidance. I want to follow the Lord, but something just feels off. I am a lost lamb without his sheperd. I would go to a catholic priest, but the closest is in the capital which may not be far, but with the quarantine and corona, this may not be the wisest move. My grandfather is a (evangelical lutheran) priest and I have thought of contacting him on the phone, but I am unsure how I would unpack all of this during a call.
This continued until the first week of quarantine in my country. I was doing my religion exam and I stumbled across a fact that stated that the catholic church is the biggest charitable organisation in the world. For some reason I decided to research the church’s teachings more in depth instead of just scrolling trough the wikipedia article, so I went to read the cathechism on the internet. I obviously didn’t read the entire thing. The part I read was the part on the ten commandments and how they correlate with catholic living in the modern world. Based on that read something woke in me. Something that I didn’t know was in me. Something just fell in place and my view of my faith was completely changed somehow. It was if something had shattered in my mind. I began researching catholic doctorine more deeply than ever before and no longer was I deterred by concepts of purgatory or mortal sin. I felt uneasy when I contemplated my findings afterwards. I no longer enjoyed things like video games (which I used to like alot). Something just felt off when I played. I felt as if I was letting my Lord and Saviour down. I felt physically weak. I began praying daily. Some days I even prayed 5+ times.
After some days this calmed down and I could enjoy my passtimes again (not as fully as before all of this), but something was still off. It’s very hard to explain, but ever since that something fell onto place that day, there has been a weight on my mind. I do not know what it is. It doesn’t bother me too much, but I can’t just ignore it. After a lot of research on the catholic faith, I basically decided to live a catholic lifestyle and renounce all sin in my life and I plan on going to RCIA next autumn, but there is something in me that is fighting back. Something that stops me from commiting fully. It manifests as a feeling in my heart like a storm in my chest. Sometimes it is completely unbearable and I feel like dropping my faith completely and sometimes it is gone and when it is gone, I feel an inner peace. It’s the strongest when I am imagining my possible future as a catholic. I have started to read the Bible on a daily basis and my prayer routine has stayed strong.
I do not know where to go from here. All I ask is guidance. I want to follow the Lord, but something just feels off. I am a lost lamb without his sheperd. I would go to a catholic priest, but the closest is in the capital which may not be far, but with the quarantine and corona, this may not be the wisest move. My grandfather is a (evangelical lutheran) priest and I have thought of contacting him on the phone, but I am unsure how I would unpack all of this during a call.