Discerning divorce

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Kara22

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I’m discerning leaving my husband. I love him so much and he’s so very special to me, we’ve been through so much together, but I’m finding it difficult to find the will to stay with him. We are a homeschooling family with 6 kids and are very catholic (daily Mass, weekly confession, family rosary every night). but my husband is a construction worker and is very rough around the edges. He smokes pot all day, has used crystal meth since we’ve been married, I’ve found women’s lingerie that didn’t belong to me, as well as books about growing hallucinogenic mushrooms. We spoke to a priest because when I found another woman’s clothes, I didn’t want to stay married and the Holy Spirit lead me to forgive him after speaking to my priest. But now, the same suspicious behaviors are arising. He is withdrawing 300$ a week and I don’t know what he’s spending that on, he leaves all day during the weekend, won’t ever answer his phone when I call, and then leaves his phone in his car at all times which makes me feel like he’s hiding something from me. He’s not warm and loving with our kids and they really have no bond with him at all…I’m just feeling like I’ve been duped and our marriage didn’t play out to be what I hoped and dreamed of. I’m so sad and heart broken all the time and don’t feel like I deserve how he treats me. I feel like he’s going to ruin our children
 
That’s a really rough spot to be in. I will pray for you and hopefully you can find a priest or counselor who can help you as well
 
I think you know where he’s spending the money…on drugs and other women!

I’m not saying it’s hopeless, but he may be a danger to your children. If there’s any danger, get out now, take the kids, and from now on, keep your finances separate from his! You and your children were created for better things.

You can try and work on your marriage later. Right now, your priority must be the safety of your children. Move out, and call your priest.
 
Retrovailles is more than a “retreat” for troubled marriages, it’s a flat out necessity for people like you. Please please look into it.
 
You don’t need to answer these questions here, but I have seen people who left and then ended up in some bad situations. And, what I am about to say is based on the idea that you do not in any way feel that your situation is unsafe for you or for your children.

You have 6 children. You are homeschooling. Unless you have an independent income, your lifestyle will change a huge amount.

You will have to go to work, and unless you were a lawyer or something like that, you will probably need to get welfare and maybe even Section 8 housing.

Your children will have to go to public school, with all that that entails.

You will probably struggle greatly financially. If your car breaks down, you might not have enough money to fix it. That could cause you to lose your job, which would cause other problems…

You may go and live with your parents instead. That too can be extremely difficult, even in the best of families, which you may or may not have.

Do not think that because you get rid of what seems to be the problem in your family that your life will then improve.

Which is not to say do nothing.

First, check with a legal service that helps women with these types of problems. You need to know what to expect in the way of roadblocks, money, etc. You also need to find out if there is a difference if you move out or he moves out.

Decide what behaviors your husband would need to change, what actions he would need to take, in order for you to stay.

You might want to talk to someone about all this, either someone you know who is very wise, or someone who knows the two of you, or even a regular counselor.

You want to be able to express your feelings and expectations to your husband and what you think would be a good plan going forward, but in a way which is very open and loving so he doesn’t feel attacked. This is where the person above can help you plan out what to say and how to say it.

If you decide that you will leave him if he does not change, do not tell him that as an ultimatum, but as the result of his unwillingness to participate as he should in the family. Keep that out of the conversation unless he indicates an unwillingness to change.

If you think it would be easier, arrange for the children to play at someone else’s house when you have this conversation.

Have a notebook for this purpose: make notes on any and every conversation you have with your husband on these issues. Try to start with a summary of what has happened so far; after that should come notes with dates of what happens between you. Keep copies of any written communications, emails, texts, that pertain to this issue. Keep a record of when he is gone and why.

If things get crazy, you will need that information and you do not want to have to try to remember it all under pressure.
 
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Looks to me like either a big brother or some of the men in the parish need to have a conversation with him…
 
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Or his wife could lay bare the reality of his family and soul. That would mean more to him than done dudes at the parish.
 
If I were in your shoes, I’d start looking for more information. If he won’t tell you where the money is going, I would hire somebody to trail him. If you don’t have much money, ask an older person from the parish to track him or ask a friend of your parents.
 
Annie said:
You don’t need to answer these questions here, but I have seen people who left and then ended up in some bad situations. And, what I am about to say is based on the idea that you do not in any way feel that your situation is unsafe for you or for your children.

You have 6 children. You are homeschooling. Unless you have an independent income, your lifestyle will change a huge amount.

You will have to go to work, and unless you were a lawyer or something like that, you will probably need to get welfare and maybe even Section 8 housing.

Your children will have to go to public school, with all that that entails.

You will probably struggle greatly financially. If your car breaks down, you might not have enough money to fix it. That could cause you to lose your job, which would cause other problems…

You may go and live with your parents instead. That too can be extremely difficult, even in the best of families, which you may or may not have.

Do not think that because you get rid of what seems to be the problem in your family that your life will then improve.

Which is not to say do nothing.

First, check with a legal service that helps women with these types of problems. You need to know what to expect in the way of roadblocks, money, etc. You also need to find out if there is a difference if you move out or he moves out.

Decide what behaviors your husband would need to change, what actions he would need to take, in order for you to stay.

You might want to talk to someone about all this, either someone you know who is very wise, or someone who knows the two of you, or even a regular counselor.

You want to be able to express your feelings and expectations to your husband and what you think would be a good plan going forward, but in a way which is very open and loving so he doesn’t feel attacked. This is where the person above can help you plan out what to say and how to say it.

If you decide that you will leave him if he does not change, do not tell him that as an ultimatum, but as the result of his unwillingness to participate as he should in the family. Keep that out of the conversation unless he indicates an unwillingness to change.

If you think it would be easier, arrange for the children to play at someone else’s house when you have this conversation.

Have a notebook for this purpose: make notes on any and every conversation you have with your husband on these issues. Try to start with a summary of what has happened so far; after that should come notes with dates of what happens between you. Keep copies of any written communications, emails, texts, that pertain to this issue. Keep a record of when he is gone and why.

If things get crazy, you will need that information and you do not want to have to try to remember it all under pressure.
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@Annie, I’m out of hearts, but this is an excellent post in each of the points that you’ve made. Well done!
 
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God has an amazing way of getting us through tough situations! And it’s so consoling to know the He also has marriage troubles-with all of the horrible things that go on within His Church. He understands my pain more than I could ever know and no cross is too heavy when you have a Savior to carry it with you!
 
I think that would be incredibly helpful. He tries to make friends with people at Church but he’s kind of hard and the only people that accept him are other rough people…He gets a lot of love from old ladies fawning over our kids, but no men seem to want to be his friend. They like to stay with their own “kind” which I understand…we are moving to a new area so I’m praying that our new parish family will be accepting of him and maybe he can develop those beautiful relationships that make up a thriving Christian community!
 
Great points! Your perspective if so full of logic that is so easy to lose sight of in the face of heated emotions! You shed light on so many overlooked details 🙂 thanks!
 
I appreciate your concern for our beautiful children! Thankfully, he isn’t a danger to us, just a bit of a thorn in my side…and THEN SOME! But I will continue to stay alert and take each day as it comes; hopefully all of my moves will be the right ones. I get so upset with him when I’m worried something is going on, but when I see his face, I love him so much that I feel like we have to just work out our differences. Plus I would be so worried about him…questions arise like “what if he needs me to help him get to Heaven?”
 
He’s been taking crystal meth for your entire marriage? How can he function to work and to parent and go to daily mass?
 
Kara my heart breaks for you and your children. As you no doubt know, crystal meth, ice, is highly addictive and has long term physical and mental side effects as listed in this fact sheet article


Your husband, as with all ice users, will be vulnerable to a variety of these with continued and lengthy use. Any marriage fix cannot be before the crystal meth use is addressed. It is likely where the money is disappearing as ice costs $$$. If you decide to stay, his ice use is the elephant in the room.
Do you have access to educated addiction support?
 
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Kara22 said:
Thankfully, he isn’t a danger to us,
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If he’s using meth, I wouldn’t be so sure. Meth is not pot. (Not that it’s good for him to be smoking pot regularly either, but meth is a whole other level)
 
Yes, that is why I was so harsh in my first response-the fact that he uses crystal meth. Don’t ever expect him to stop, on his own. And, I stand by my previous comment-keep your finances separate, to the best of your ability. Any wages you earn, any monetary gifts given only to you-put them in a bank account in your name only. Addicts get to the point where they’ll do anything to get their next fix…anything. And keep an eye on his behavior!

It’s hard when you love someone so much, thinking they might hurt you, and rob you blind…but keep an eye on your children and yourself! God Bless!
 
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Mrchatsworth said:
Or his wife could lay bare the reality of his family and soul. That would mean more to him than done dudes at the parish.
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It may be worth a shot to appeal to his emotions that way, but it may not be enough.
 
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