Discerning Marriage: Outside of the Church

[iwillrisenow]

I know that there have been posts on this before, but I would like to start another discussion on this issue.

There are a few reasons why I am, for the first time since I converted, thinking about the possibility of being open to relationships with Christian men who are not Catholic. These realizations have come to me from being in the so-called Catholic dating world for a while. Please let me make it clear that I am not recommending this to anyone or suggesting that, if someone has the option, that they should choose to marry outside of the Church rather than within it. These are just some thoughts that I am reflecting on in honestly looking at my own situation and trying to determine whether or not I am being unrealistic about certain expectations.

The first reason is age. I am closing in on my thirtieth year in a couple of months. I converted relatively late—three years ago in the spring ()—and I missed out on a lot of the rooted-ness that comes from growing up with a solid faith-- if I hadn’t, I would have started seriously discerning marriage much earlier in life. While it’s “better late than never”, I realize that I am now in a bit of a tricky position. Most faithful Catholic men my age (and this is not a “woe to me”, just an observation), in their goodness and openness to God’s plan, desire a large family. This is a good and holy desire that I admire greatly. I do realize, however, that while I am open to as many children as God may wish to grant, as an older woman, I may not be able to give a man the large family that he desires. I respect a man’s decision to pursue a younger woman who may be more likely to bless him with the family he desires, but am keenly aware that I may need to adjust my own expectations a bit, particularly when it comes to Catholic men around my age.

The second reason is culture. As a convert, I come from a different cultural background from the majority groups that are represented in the Church. As many of you are well aware, Catholic communities here in the U.S. (especially individual parishes) tend to be very centered around certain cultural groups—officially or unofficially. There are a couple of areas of the country where there are more Catholics with a cultural background similar to mine, but for various reasons, those communities are relatively insular (not to mention, quite small). Where I am living now, let’s just say…like tends to stick with like. Again, not a judgement call-- just an observation. Every person has to decide for themselves what they’re comfortable with, particularly when it comes to marriage. There are many more faithful Protestant men who share my cultural background.

The third, and most important reason of all, is openness to God’s plan. We do not really know what God’s plan is for any of our lives or relationships. None of us can say determinedly that the “best” option is the one that we’re being called to. The reality is, I am not an “ideal” single Catholic woman (I’m thinking of the 18 year old “Arms of Love”-style cradle Catholic youth group leader-type with long, flowing hair and the singing voice of an angel who always seems to slide right into marriage ). I will never be this woman. But God has stepped into my life on His terms and I have allowed Him to lead me down this path. Now that I am finding myself focusing exclusively on Catholic men, I am wondering whether this may be one step too far in trying to choose for God.

Among my family and acquaintances, I know of three couples who have intermarried or were both Protestants and later converted. Two consists of a cradle Catholic spouse and a spouse who converted prior to marriage, so that they could marry in the Church. The third consists of a couple who converted later in life (their children followed suit). I am not saying that I would “missionary” date or go into a relationship expecting this to happen. I merely want to be as open to God’ plan as I possibly can. If it is even a vague possibility, would not another soul in the Church be preferable to remaining single and insisting on a Catholic spouse?

What are your reactions to these thoughts? I am especially interested in hearing from anyone who has dated or married someone outside of the Church or known folks who have. I am not saying that I will go right out and do this tomorrow, as I still have many doubts about it…but I do want to open a discussion about what it might mean to be open to God’s plan in discerning marriage.

 

[1ke]

My reaction is two fold:

1. You are selling yourself (and Catholic men) short. And 30 is not old. My husband and I did not get married until 43 and 38, respectively. My DH had no illusions of having a big family, he accepted that at our age there might not be any family and that has turned out to be the case. He would have been happy with many chidlren, a few children, and as it turns out… no children.
2. You are way too focused on acquisition of a man and not on what comes after. It is typically not the acquisition phase that presents problems. Those come after-- in how to spend holidays, raise children, etc. Mixed marriage is just always a bad idea. The ones that turn out “great” are (a) the exception and (b) always due to significant compromise of one, the other, or both.

I can suggest Ave Maria Singles, where my DH and I met, or I can suggest being more open to the local Catholics in your life. You seem ready to paint all of them with a cultural brush, a big family brush, and a looking-for-the-perfect Catholic girl brush. I don’t think that is true, so get to know people individually and stop using such large brushstrokes. to some degree that is a self-fullfilling prophecy. You seem to be rather down on yourself. I think you need to be more focused on your good qualities, and not so worried about your Catholic pedigree, or lack thereof.

 

[iwillrisenow]

Hi 1ke, thank you for your reply. I would just like to respond and clarify a few things:

30 is not old. My husband and I did not get married until 43 and 38, respectively.

That’s beautiful, and it gives me hope. The thing is, while I may be able to meet someone a bit older who is not thinking about a family in a few years, I am at an awkward age right now where many (and I am not saying all-- but many) men my age are still thinking about being open to a large family, and rightly so. At the same time, I have not gotten used to the idea of being “in my 30s” yet and dating a man who is more than five or six years older than me still seems like a bit of a leap in terms of generation, priorities, life goals, etc. I have been thinking lately that I may be someone who is meant to marry a bit older, if I am so blessed to even have the choice to marry at all. I don’t think that 30 is “too old”, but it does put us Catholics who are thinking about family life (both men and women) in an awkward position that we don’t often talk about.

You are way too focused on acquisition of a man and not on what comes after. It is typically not the acquisition phase that presents problems. Those come after-- in how to spend holidays, raise children, etc. Mixed marriage is just always a bad idea. The ones that turn out “great” are (a) the exception and (b) always due to significant compromise of one, the other, or both.
.

I have to disagree about being too focused on “getting a man”…I just happen to be writing a post with my thoughts on the issues that I have confronted in Catholic dating so far…trust me, my life is definitely not centered around this. If anything, I am trying to find the right balance between prayerfully “showing up” and letting God do His work. It’s a challenge. I am also looking at “mixed marriage” in many ways…and since every person’s faith, family background, etc. are different…won’t this be a challenge anyway? What marriage isn’t “mixed”?

 

[robwar]

There is another thread from a Catholic man married to some Protestant women and now there is a tug of war between him and her and where the kids are going to Church. Now the kids don’t want to go to catechism, they want to go to the Baptist Sunday school. You need to read this other posts about the problems with mixed faith marriages. Since you want kids and you marry some Protestant man, where and who and what church will the children be brought up in? Being married 26+years now, you need to find someone that will share your faith, it’s practice, it’s attendance and with children, you need one faith front, not two. Getting worried about your bio-clock and then jumping at the first male that might come along in order to have babies will only set you up for a very unhappy relationship. I would keep looking on Catholic single sites and the fact that you didn’t grow up Catholic is of little consequence because you are Catholic now.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Back a hundred years ago when I was single, I had a conversation with God that if I was to get married, I would only marry a Catholic man. The Eucharist, confession, the Divine Liturgy, were not going to be put in 2nd place to a mere mortal. So every day I prayed for my future husband, multiple times in the day, and one day after some time had gone by, the idea came into my head. He’s not in the Church. So, OK, we’ll fine tune that prayer. I basically asked God to give the man a “St Paul” experience, to ‘bang him on the head, knock him on the ground’ event. God did chose a man for me who had a ‘convincing’ God experience, and he came into the Church, very happy to be there and to learn the Catholic faith. He was baptised a Catholic as a baby, but had a ‘refreshing’ of faith.

From this experience, I would like to suggest that you let God chose the person and bring that person into the Church before you even meet him. It seems to me that when you consider looking ‘elsewhere’, it’s saying to God that you would put Christ in the Eucharist, His reconciliation He gave us in the sacrament of Reconciliation, and all the beautiful elements of our faith, to the side, when looking for a spouse. He might say at the end of your life, “Why didn’t you trust Me?” If anyone is concerned with strong Catholic families, and is in the position of creating them, it’s God Himself.

 

[ExGratia]

I am a Catholic revert who was just fine with being in my late 20s and being single. I assumed I would not find a good, Catholic man at my “advanced” age! Besides, I was already in love with Jesus and did not want to damage that relationship by also falling in love with a man who didn’t know the one true Church.

I was not about to compromise my beliefs or the raising of possible children so I could marry, although I briefly considered a relationship with an Eastern Orthodox man (too many differences…especially regarding family life as the Orthodox are accepting of things like divorce and remarriage, birth control…but I digress).

At the age of 29, God put a wonderful, pious 27 year old in my life who I met at Mass. I turned 30 soon after and we were married within 9 months of that fateful Saturday vigil. 5 weeks later, we were expecting our first child who is due to be born in February. I am 31 and he will be turning 29 shortly after our baby is born.

I am head-over-heels in love with my husband and so humbled by how good God is.

Don’t compromise.

If God is calling you to marriage, things will work out as they should. Work on your relationship with the Lord, because if you stay close to Him, you will want His Will first. People always say “Everything in God’s time.” Who knows…God’s time might be super fast in your life as it was in mine!

God bless you!