Discernment of marriage

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Hello everybody! So, my girlfriend and I have known each other for a little over a year and have been dating for just over 9 months. We are both sophomores in the same college. We are both in similar relationships with Christ, both grew up Catholic but have in the last couple years have been really trying to step it up in our faith. We are both studying abroad in Ireland at the same school next fall, we both have personal interests in going there in particular, It is a great program. We are really enjoying our relationship and how we are growing from it.

For a few months we have been throwing the idea of marriage around kind of nonchalantly, we both are dating for the possibility of a possible future mate. But a few nights ago we were talking about it and something kinda clicked i think for the both of us if not really me that I may want to actually marry her. I was kinda just blown away for a second at the idea of it. It is a very exciting and intimidating and many other feelings thinking about it.

Of course we have a lot of growing and maturing before we are ready to commit to committing if you know what I mean. We still have much learning about each other. But it is starting to actually look like a possibility.

but this leaves us in an interesting position because we are only sophomores in college we both agreed that there is no way we could get married to someone before graduating college it just seems like a bad decision. but we both want to do graduate work, me in medicine and her in archiving. She is almost certain she will stay instate due to instate tuition, I am positive that I will stay in the same state or the neighboring state in which I am from.

We can’t rationalize getting married to just end up at different schools for 4+ years. We both are really set on any school in particular just one that has our program.

This is conflicting, should we honestly be discerning marriage when it is possibly so far in the future? I don’t want to be a couple that never ties the knot and can’t commit.

any advice on how we should be looking at marriage and our dating?
 
No distance, no school, no time…nothing can get in the way of the type of Love required for a good authentic catholic marriage if the two fully understand what marriage is and who are very commited and strong in their spiritual life.

I suggest continueing to step it up spiritually…REALLY step it up.

A strong spiritual constitution will be required and a good strong commitment between you 2 if you two are serious about marriage with soooo much up in the air right now.

God bless
 
Thanks! We decided we will find a Catholic couple in the area so we can have people to bounce ideas off.

I have another question though… I have been struggling with a porn/masturbation addiction since I was 14. It is a lot more in control then it used to be and I am continually putting my trust in Christ for strength of him living through me. my question is should I tell her about this trouble I’m having if so when. I’ve been told by some people that it is not unnecessary that she knows before marriage but to me that seems a bit off. Should I tell her now? or wait? either way i have no idea how i will break the news to her… I understand that we each carry our baggage, but i think sexual baggage is a very difficult one to address…
thanks!
 
Deffinatley! I’d have this talk with her if you guys are REAL serious about marriage. As soon as that seriousness is part of your equation…deffinatly talk to her.

I did it with my wife myself and I am very thankful I did. She deserves to know because it’s a form of adultry and a sin against her. And to have an open relationship…she needs to know this. You both should talk about ANY and all sexual issues like this each of you have sinned against so you guys are aware of your weaknesses and your past so you can look towards a future and have a battle plan.

Remember, the main purpose of marriage is that you both will help eachother get to heaven.

It’s a sensitive talk (which is why this talk should only be meant for 2 that are serious and pretty committed to marriage)…but a talk that needs to come none the less.

God bless!

With my wife, I really have to attribute my conversion from this sin because of her.

When I seem how forgiving she was to me (and that she would not tolerate it) and to see how painful it was for her…I wanted to quit!

Her forgiveness, and her forgivness each time I screwed up…let me see REAL love and helped untwist what sin had twisted.

I HIGHLY suggest you getting the video “winning the battle for sexual purity” by christopher west …it can change your life!!!
 
Here’s an old post of mine on how to combat that sin:

It’s a very common sin …any priest will tell you.

Our society is so highly sexed and offers us ways to tap into lust on tv, movies, internet, our phones secretly and has become a breeding ground perfect for someone to fall into these types of sins and persist in them until they become habit forming and leaving the victim wondering “what the heck happend! I’m in chains!”

Know its a very common sin…and a very EASY sin to fall into slavery for because it’s so connected with our physical bodies workings.

You fall into it over and over because a few reasons:
  1. It may take some time…but if you are serious, you should see the time range between sins getting farther apart.
2.you have not made a sincere act of willing to change your life…meaning u are willing to maintain some changes:

a, staying away from pornographic sources ( you know where they are ! …if that means putting content blockers on tv or internet…or even being willing to get rid of them altogether…then that’s what it will take or you should not be willing to go to confession until you are willing to do so.
  1. You are probably supressing your pent up energy and feelings and desires and not redeeming them. You need to understand why your body acts the way it does. I suggest looking into “Theology of the body” …there is a reason God made us the way He did and why we have the desires we do! The devil has twisted a beautiful thing within you! Here’s the good news…if you permit God to untwist it…you can focus and direct this great power within you and your spirituality will soar! You will have an amazing spiritual growth spurt fighting and overcoming this!
christopherwest.com/

Christopher west teaches about theology of the body…HES AWSOME! This website has LOADS of info on it. There is a 20$ DVD called “winning the battle for sexual purity” BUY IT! I’ve also found a 10 CD set breaking down the popes teaching on theology of the body for like 3$…it’s amazing… if its something that interests you…I suggest finding it.

Some suggestions:

a GOOD confession…one at which you are willing to rework your entire life. When you get home…you get rid of everything that tempts you (because this sin begins at the level of thought).

This is going to sound silly …but trust me. How you live your daily life needs to change: If you have a messy room/ home…clean and organize it, start keeping track of appointments on a planner, plan out your day and plan a day in which you can keep busy (lazy, sloppy and unorganized life sets u up to fall especially when you have lots of time on your hands ) .

Exercise! believe it or not…exercise burns off lots of our pent up energies

Lastly…start to practice fasting. If you can begin to permit your will to tell the body what to do…your will will get stronger and your body will listen to you more.

If you can start studying theology of the body so you understand why we have the urges and what they mean…the untwisting can begin (along with the sacraments and DAILY praying about this) and use my above suggestions… I can gurantee results.

Remember this is going to be a process…AND it’s a process that will allow you to come closer to God through all of it. Every day at the begining of your day say a little prayer asking God to give you strength and to conqure your temptations and to not treat his daughters in such a demeaning way and to help purify your heart. And thank him every night and rededicate your entire body , and feelings, thoughts to His service.

Oh, also…when temptations come… try saying a prayer like this: "Lord I offer this temptation to you and I’m willing to suffer it in atonement for my sins and for the conversion of all my brothers and sister caught in this trap of slavery "

lol, its spiritual jujitsu…you’re taking the devils temptation and causing him to lose souls!

Good luck to you . If you need to talk…don’t hesitate!
 
Thanks for the advice i have done/ am doing a good majority of this. only got through some of theology of the body. should pick it back up though.

any advice on breaking the news to her?
 
Both of you go to confession and then go out for a nice dinner and go for a walk or something and tell her how serious you are to take all this to the next step and you want her to know EVERYTHING about you…the good and the bad…so she knows what kind of mess she may one day accept. To her you want to do everything you can…including dying to yourself …so that you can love her rightly and that you feel she deserves to know everything.

God bless and good luck.
 
Both of you go to confession and then go out for a nice dinner and go for a walk or something and tell her how serious you are to take all this to the next step and you want her to know EVERYTHING about you…the good and the bad…so she knows what kind of mess she may one day accept. To her you want to do everything you can…including dying to yourself …so that you can love her rightly and that you feel she deserves to know everything.

God bless and good luck.
great advice! but I think I will wait until we have a little more clarity in our future. maybe once we start applications to grad school and if we are still serious about the idea. right now it is more like a strong desire/possiblity
 
Yea, that’s a talk when you guys are pretty confident you’re going to commit.
 
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