Discernment

[patrickveech]

I’ve long held the belief that if I were to seriously consider something on a moral scale, I would make the choice that I felt is correct, and would be correct.

Now I don’t know why, but tonight as I type this I am second-guessing this affirmation that I recieve subconsciously. I cannot tell whether it is my gut feeling in the most basic sense or if God is working through me.

For example, I’ve considered chastity. I arrived at the conclusion that I will not, because I want to raise children. Is this ok? Will I be less rewarded in Heaven simply for wanting to contribute to this world and raise great men/women, who will in turn do the same?

When I do something of which people I revere commend me, I still feel empty inside, as if the act was as expected as saying ‘hello’ to somebody. There is no gear in my heart for self-appreciation, and this is a bad thing. People have problems with pride, but I am just the opposite, it seems.

I cannot see what is truly correct. All I want is to do what is right here, and be rewarded so one day by God.

 

[Muzhik]

Patrickveech, Shalom! Remember that chastity is more than abstinence. It is a devotion to your spouse and a choice to join prayerfully with her in all aspects of your married life.

If you have been praying to G_D and asking for His guidance, and if you have not been receiving clear directions NOT to have children, then I think you would not be punished if you and your wife had children while you were in a sacramental marriage. During married life, you will both have plenty of opportunities to practice abstinence. The key is to share these experiences together, and know that in doing so you are sharing love with each other as much as if you were sharing physical love.

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[patrickveech]

Ah, this helps a bit. Thank you.

I have not received any word of having children being considered a sin, through sacramental marriage.

 

[Cairone]

While our feelings are important, we cannot necessarily count on them for guidance. We first and foremost have a duty to make sure that our consciences are well-formed, so that when we get uneasy feelings about something, we can know whether or not those feelings are justified.

Also, while there is nothing necessarily wrong with doing good work to receive the commendation of others–that is a basic way to motivate us to do good works–if we only do good work for that warm and fuzzy feeling we get when others praise us, then we have missed a big part of the picture.

Our feelings wax and wane. Sometimes when receiving the Holy Eucharist, I feel flooded with joy at the presence of Christ. Other times, I feel nothing. My joy or my emptiness in no way diminish the presence of Christ and in no way validate or invalidate the good of consuming the body and blood of Jesus.

Most importantly, God calls us to good deeds even when there is no expectation or even possibility of praise for our work. Sometimes doing good deeds will endanger us. And still we are called to stand firm in adversity.

In regards to chastity, Muzhik makes the excellent point that chastity and abstinence are two different things. You can be chaste and still have sex with your spouse. To suggest that you don’t intend to be chaste has nothing to do with children (and in fact, almost stands as antithesis to that). I know what you actually mean, but consider that what you actually said is: I don’t intend to be faithful to spouse, either by cheating or using my spouse as a sexual object. I know you didn’t mean that.

Having children is wonderful blessing. It is one of the ways in which we image God, as He created us all, and we are all His children. Some people are called not to have children, in instances because they physically cannot, and in other instances because they are indeed called to an exclusive devotion to God. But most of the rest of us are called to the sacrament of marriage, and any children that ensue.

Despite how St. Paul seems to take an “Oh, if you must…” approach to marriage and sex, remember that sex itself is a gift from God. Properly used, with respect both to its unitive aspect and its procreative aspect, it is a way of loving as God loves: fully giving of self with the possibility of creation.

Jesus commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves, and states that no greater love exists than to lay down one’s life for a friend. Having children is an example of this. You make possible that greatest blessing of all–life–and then you lay down your life to care for your children.

Of course, this can be abused. For example, if you have children because you want slave labor, or want to relive your life and make up for failures and shortcomings, then you are participating in the work that God intended.

So no, you won’t destroy your rewards in Heaven by generously bringing children into this world and giving of yourself to raise them.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

My wife and myself have made vows of Chastity.

What this means is, our sexual lives are in accord with Church teaching. It means, treating sex as God meant it, as an expression of love between a married man and woman.

We’re beyond child bearing age, BTW.

We don’t watch porn or programs which treat sex as a sport.

So you can live a chaste life and be married and of course have children.

Children are the expression of love, between a man and a woman. They are one of God’s greatest gifts, next to that is having grandchildren, which you can’t have without having children first.

Jim

 

[patrickveech]

Of course, this can be abused. For example, if you have children because you want slave labor, or want to relive your life and make up for failures and shortcomings,

Wait, if I am to become a better parent than my father was to myself, which will be extremely hard, am I not supposed to and want to encourage my sons/daughters to succeed where I had failed, and to teach them why? I want my children to be better than me, but that does not by any means mean that I will slack off and set a low bar for my kids. I will do my best, and hopefully I can convince them to do so as well.

Thanks for your advice, I’d have quoted the entire thing, but for obvious reasons I did not.

 

[bpbasilphx]

For example, I’ve considered chastity. I arrived at the conclusion that I will not, because I want to raise children. Is this ok? Will I be less rewarded in Heaven simply for wanting to contribute to this world and raise great men/women, who will in turn do the same?

**The marital act IS chastity!

After all, what is chastity, but the proper use of sexual function?**

 

[KingAlfred]

I’ve long held the belief that if I were to seriously consider something on a moral scale, I would make the choice that I felt is correct, and would be correct.

Now I don’t know why, but tonight as I type this I am second-guessing this affirmation that I recieve subconsciously. I cannot tell whether it is my gut feeling in the most basic sense or if God is working through me.

For example, I’ve considered chastity. I arrived at the conclusion that I will not, because I want to raise children. Is this ok? Will I be less rewarded in Heaven simply for wanting to contribute to this world and raise great men/women, who will in turn do the same?

When I do something of which people I revere commend me, I still feel empty inside, as if the act was as expected as saying ‘hello’ to somebody. There is no gear in my heart for self-appreciation, and this is a bad thing. People have problems with pride, but I am just the opposite, it seems.

I cannot see what is truly correct. All I want is to do what is right here, and be rewarded so one day by God.

I can relate. I have problems with accepting praise and the slightest pride for my diligence and achievements. It’s an exaggerated sense of self-denial, possibly even self-abuse. It’s often interpretted by others as weakness, which they then attempt to exploit. I work in a profession rife with braggartly behavior (teaching). If one doesn’t brag, one loses in the great political power struggles that unfortunately surround the noble, if not sacred task, of educating young people. I actually dislike this aspect of my personality, but can’t change it, and know I shouldn’t, even if I could, as Jesus instructs us to be meek, peaceful and content with suffering.

 

[Cairone]

Wait, if I am to become a better parent than my father was to myself, which will be extremely hard, am I not supposed to and want to encourage my sons/daughters to succeed where I had failed, and to teach them why? I want my children to be better than me, but that does not by any means mean that I will slack off and set a low bar for my kids. I will do my best, and hopefully I can convince them to do so as well.

The difference here is whether you are encouraging them so that they succeed, or so that you succeed. For example, if I were to encourage my children to join the track team because I thought it was a good experience for myself and they could benefit from that, that’s one thing. And it is still all right to take the lessons I learned–both where I had succeeded and where I had failed–and teach them to my children. However, it is wrong to pressure them into track if what I want is to vicariously take first place at state through them to make up for the fact that I never did.

Or take another example. Suppose I regret the fact that I never dated in high school. If I encourage my children to date because I don’t want them to have that regret, that’s not a problem. If I encourage them to date so that I can experience high school dating through them, that is a problem. It all boils down to intent. If you intend to use your life experiences to try to smooth the road for your children, that’s fine. If you intend to fix all the problems that occurred in your life by forcing those changes onto your children, that’s bad.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your children to do/become better than you. That’s just wanting them to have life in abundance. Just don’t get stuck on the idea that they have to surpass in you in everything you did. There will be things that they do better than you, almost without effort, and there are things that you can do amazingly well that they’ll struggle with. Moreover, they may look into things you know nothing about, and they may spurn some of the things you care deeply for. Rediscover the world with them, but don’t relive your life through them.