Disobedient 17yr old grandson

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Elizza

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My 17 yr old grandson has become very distant from his home life. He lives with his mother and stepfather and two younger brothers. His grandfather and I are very active in their lives. But for the last two years he has become very disrespectful . He lies and fights with his parents. He smokes pot. He comes home when he wants and stays out all weekend. His parents tried everything and we are all on the verge of giving up. Although he has no regard for his actions, he manages to get good grades and looks forward to college. His parents have tried all kinds of discipline to grounding, taking cell phone away, and heartfelt conversations that end up being lies on his part. I have asked for prayers for him in this forum before and I thank you all so much for them. Please , I ask again to pray for him that he hears God’s voice and doesn’t ruin his life . Thank you. Liz.
 
With actions come consequences. His parents, it appears, have already failed in raising a mature, steady young man. The boy we are talking about here is erratic and unpredictable. There is little (or nothing) they can do when it comes to discipline to change him; they raised what they raised and it is too late to go back to elementary school.

The best they can do for him is pray. They need to remain open to him, offer him advice and some help, but at this point I do not think they should pay for his college tuition, and when he reaches college age, he should cease to live in their house, unless he improves his attitude. The parents need to lay down the law, but also be gentle and clear in their intentions.

It’s a hard situation, and the solution is equally hard. Pray that the Holy Spirit will touch his heart and bring him to virtue.
 
Elizza said:
My 17 yr old grandson has become very distant from his home life. He lives with his mother and stepfather and two younger brothers. His grandfather and I are very active in their lives. But for the last two years he has become very disrespectful . He lies and fights with his parents. He smokes pot. He comes home when he wants and stays out all weekend. His parents tried everything and we are all on the verge of giving up. Although he has no regard for his actions, he manages to get good grades and looks forward to college. His parents have tried all kinds of discipline to grounding, taking cell phone away, and heartfelt conversations that end up being lies on his part. I have asked for prayers for him in this forum before and I thank you all so much for them. Please , I ask again to pray for him that he hears God’s voice and doesn’t ruin his life . Thank you. Liz.
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I had two Nephews that were this way. One joined the Marines and turned his life around. Their father is an atheist. He is a good guy now. I have no idea where he is at spiritually.
Praying for your grandson.:signofcross:
 
Prayers for conversion of your grandson’s heart towards more respectful behavior towards his parents and better choices regarding smoking pot and staying away all weekend. I
pray the parents can find some effective intervention.
Mary.
 
Elizza said:
My 17 yr old grandson has become very distant from his home life. He lives with his mother and stepfather and two younger brothers. His grandfather and I are very active in their lives. But for the last two years he has become very disrespectful . He lies and fights with his parents. He smokes pot. He comes home when he wants and stays out all weekend. His parents tried everything and we are all on the verge of giving up. Although he has no regard for his actions, he manages to get good grades and looks forward to college. His parents have tried all kinds of discipline to grounding, taking cell phone away, and heartfelt conversations that end up being lies on his part. I have asked for prayers for him in this forum before and I thank you all so much for them. Please , I ask again to pray for him that he hears God’s voice and doesn’t ruin his life . Thank you. Liz.
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Just say they won’t pay for his college
 
Welcome to the world of the Teenager… No there not all like this… but an awful lot are.
there rude,obnoxious , and like a stranger in your home… no regard for anything but themselves,and only think of now… and if you Question there actions they just give this Blank stare as to say, And you are? and also the look.what would you know about life oldie ?
Well Praise the lord… it doesn’t last forever… they do slowly grow up…
I’m really not sure if I was anything like that… but then I was on a Dairy Farm…
and Farm life is Alien to anything else…
at the moment I have a 17 y.o step daughter… I’m exactly where you are now…
but have 3 grown up sons and step son… they all drove me nuts… last one thank god…
she can’t move out quick enough…would love to help her pack at a moments notice…
but can’t do that…she wouldn’t last 5 minutes…
be patient… keep lines of communication open,even if it’s all one way… buy him a couple movie tickets… try to create conversation … and in your mind… think of giving him a suitcase…lol.
 
In some cases, prayer, although necessary, is not enough.
The first thing these parents need to do is admit that they failed as parents, most likely due to their not having discipline in their parenting. In other words, they were too lenient with the boy, tending to giving him " the benefit of the doubt" instead of chastising him for his shortcomings.
The only thing that could work now is Tough Love. As soon as he finishes High School, or he reaches 18, kick him out of the house and let him fend for himself. Tell him that unless he radically changes his behavior, he is not only not welcome in his house, but college is out of the question.
Do not relent and give him any money or other support. What you might do if he disappears over a weekend, is to pack up all his clothing and put it near the front door or on the porch. Tell him that since he doesn’t want to abide by the rules of the house, he doesn’t live there anymore. Tell him to go live where he spent the weekend. Do not give him any food or money. Let him know that it is not your place to have him sponge off of you! You have to make him understand you mean it.
Tell him he can always join the Army, the Air Force, or the Navy. At least in the military, he might learn a trade. I guarentee that in a few weeks, he probably be contrite and come home. If he doesn’t, as hard as it may seem, that should give you a true idea as to what his feelings toward the family is. Unfortunately, at that point it is too late to do anything about it.
 
Elizza said:
My 17 yr old grandson has become very distant from his home life. He lives with his mother and stepfather and two younger brothers. His grandfather and I are very active in their lives. But for the last two years he has become very disrespectful . He lies and fights with his parents. He smokes pot. He comes home when he wants and stays out all weekend. His parents tried everything and we are all on the verge of giving up. Although he has no regard for his actions, he manages to get good grades and looks forward to college. His parents have tried all kinds of discipline to grounding, taking cell phone away, and heartfelt conversations that end up being lies on his part. I have asked for prayers for him in this forum before and I thank you all so much for them. Please , I ask again to pray for him that he hears God’s voice and doesn’t ruin his life . Thank you. Liz.
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I recommend that your family investigate tough love. If it was my kid at 18 he would receive a thirty day notice then out the door, unless he respected the family.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tough_love
 
George_Stegmeir said:
In some cases, prayer, although necessary, is not enough.
The first thing these parents need to do is admit that they failed as parents, most likely due to their not having discipline in their parenting. In other words, they were too lenient with the boy, tending to giving him " the benefit of the doubt" instead of chastising him for his shortcomings.

This is not necessarily true. Some kids are much tougher to raise than others. So the prescribed consequences that Dr. Ray would tell you to use just do not work with some teens. The last thing the parents need is someone telling them how inept they are.

The only thing that could work now is Tough Love. As soon as he finishes High School, or he reaches 18, kick him out of the house and let him fend for himself. Tell him that unless he radically changes his behavior, he is not only not welcome in his house, but college is out of the question.
Do not relent and give him any money or other support. What you might do if he disappears over a weekend, is to pack up all his clothing and put it near the front door or on the porch. Tell him that since he doesn’t want to abide by the rules of the house, he doesn’t live there anymore. Tell him to go live where he spent the weekend. Do not give him any food or money. Let him know that it is not your place to have him sponge off of you! You have to make him understand you mean it.
Tell him he can always join the Army, the Air Force, or the Navy. At least in the military, he might learn a trade. I guarentee that in a few weeks, he probably be contrite and come home. If he doesn’t, as hard as it may seem, that should give you a true idea as to what his feelings toward the family is. Unfortunately, at that point it is too late to do anything about it.
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**When does he turn 18? I would call the police to have him arrested for smoking pot and every other illegal activity he is involved in. If the family is lucky, it will lead to probation. He will be on a short lease for at least 6 months. This may buy them some time to get him turned around. If nothing else, it will protect him from getting deeper into drugs or worse. **
 
Pleas, please stop kicking the parents of this teen and calling them failures. It is a difficult life stage - being a teen & parenting a teen. Teens in the very best families still make bad choices and teens raised in the most awful circumstances turn out OK. And by the time they are 17, there are many influences outside the family, both good & bad. We don’t know the whole story.

This family does need help, because they are ALL affected by this teen’s drug use. And yes, they do need to set boundaries & enforce them. If he is smoking marijuana in the home or even bringing it in the home, EVERYONE in the house could be arrested. This should be a non-negotiable boundary. If boundaries are not respected, then tough love. While he is still 17, the parents can do much more than once he turns 18.

I have a friend whose grandson was in similar circumstances. His mom & step-dad did kick him out (tough love) and he went to his grandma. Last I heard, he still smokes marijuana, but does respect her boundaries, does not smoke in her home or bring it on the property. Marijuana has had significant negative consequences on his life - did not finish high school, can’t hold a job, etc. He has been to treatment, drug court, NA, etc, but keeps going back to smoking marijuana.
 
Thank you to all that responded on my post. I respect all of the feedback I received and see a lot of truth in the lack of discipline in earlier years. But finding his nitch with the wrong crowd that accepts him is doing him harm. As much as I love that boy, I also see no other way than to give him a BIG dose of tough love. I know there are many many teens out there that have lost respect. I thank those of you who give me hope that it will get better with maturity and with setting new and stern boundries. God Bless to you all and have a Happy Thanksgiving. Liz.
 
Please consider encouraging the parents to look into an evaluation with a good therapist or counselor to rule out depression or mental illness. Many people who suffer with these problems start to have symptoms as teens, when undiagnosed many use illegal drugs to self medicate.
 
Did no one else notice the following line?
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Elizza:
He lives with his mother and stepfather and two younger brothers.
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I’m just curious, where is his birth father? Are his birth father and mother divorced?
 
Yep, good catch. It could be a good idea to get his father involved if he is a part of the boy’s life.
 
Well, beyond that even. We don’t know that there was a divorce, but if there was? God ordained marriage for life and he did it with good reasons. One of those reasons is the care and upbringing of children. Sadly, many of us have become so accustomed to divorce that we don’t necessarily consider the consequences. Divorce is a cause of profound pain for children. Depending on the circumstances surrounding it, there could be more or less pain. But remember there is a reason that God ordained marriage for life. To witness your parents go through a divorce (and a re-marriage) is traumatic for a child. Why has everyone favored “tough love” right out of the box and blamed “permissiveness” when we don’t know what the son’s situation is or what he might be going through/have gone through? Also, he is the first born. He might be feeling even more responsibility for the divorce than a child normally would.

But alas, I am speaking out of turn as we don’t know for sure that there was a divorce. I just think that we should think about that if there was one.
 
Sorry I didn’t make mention of his birth father. He has been out of is life since the begining and my grandson has made attempts to find him but no luck. I know that bothers him and I hurt for him . We all gave him all our love and attention through and through. I know it is a factor of things that has affected him. What’s done is done and that’s why I ask for your prayers. Thank you again for all your responses and prayers.
 
dshix said:
With actions come consequences. His parents, it appears, have already failed in raising a mature, steady young man. The boy we are talking about here is erratic and unpredictable. There is little (or nothing) they can do when it comes to discipline to change him; they raised what they raised and it is too late to go back to elementary school.

The best they can do for him is pray. They need to remain open to him, offer him advice and some help, but at this point I do not think they should pay for his college tuition, and when he reaches college age, he should cease to live in their house, unless he improves his attitude. The parents need to lay down the law, but also be gentle and clear in their intentions.

It’s a hard situation, and the solution is equally hard. Pray that the Holy Spirit will touch his heart and bring him to virtue.
Click to expand...
It can hardly be stated too strongly how addictions can ruin characters, and especially how often it turns trustworthy people into liars and thieves. The influence of companions one chooses for substance abuse only compounds the problem, because each normalizes the whole package of bad behavior that goes with the drug use or drunkenness for the others.

Pray that he’ll become clean and sober before too much is ruined. There is not much hope for his reclamation before he quits self-medicating and turns to finding real answers to life’s questions, those things that are needed but not found in a joint, a hit, or a bottle.

But yes: the lying is unacceptable, and proves he is not a trustworthy member of the household. It has to be clean and sober or else live elsewhere, because addictions that make liars are addictions that will make thieves. Drug or alcohol abuse are also not something that lead to the best transcripts. If the young man won’t choose free education over his drug of choice, there’s your answer.
 
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