Distance relationship

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Jan_Tesarik

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Hello everyone

I am having a really stressful time these days. I have a girlfriend, who lives in China and I live in the Czech republic so we are like half the Earth away from each other. We met at a work-camp where we were for like three weeks. We fell in love but since we live so far away from each other, the best way for us to communicate is through skype. Also, the relationship wasnt moving in the right direction from the beginning. We had too much physical contact like hugging, petting and kissing (no sex though). I realised it was wrong and after that, I feel like my feelings for her started to dissappear so I started thinking if our relationship was only based on emotions. I talked about it with her and told her that we should “slow down” and she seemed to understand. Some time ago (before I realised the true nature of our relationship), we decided, that I would visit her in China this February (although I could be there only for one week). But these days, I feel like something is telling me to back away from the relationship and not to visit her and I really hope its not just my laziness. I really have mixed feelings since she is really a very nice and kind girl and I havent spent much time with her to actually be sure if I want to continue or back away. There is also another problem. She is not a Christian. But she seems to accept what I told her about christianity and also started to read the Bible. I really feel stressed about all of this and dont know what would be the best for me to do. I know that if I told her that we should break up, it would break her heart and she is a very emotional individual.

I hope someone can help me see what is right and what I should do. I heard lots of stories of people dating not the right people for them and I dont want to end up like that.

Thanks in advance,
John
 
Why not see how your february visit goes before you make any big decisions…if it goes well and you are both still in love and yoy can see a future together then discuss maybe your girlfriend moving to your country or you moving to china so that you can be together
 
Ahoj Jan,

The long distance relationships are difficult, but not impossible to sustain. I was in a long distance relationship with my husband for several years and things worked out for us. What you need to realize, however, is that you have more problems than just the distance. The two of you are from completely different cultures - more different than you realize right now and, moreover, you have different religious beliefs. This is no small thing. While my husband and I grew up half a world apart, at least we are both cradle catholics and it is the faith that provides the glue to our relationship. What is the glue that holds the two of you together and that is strong enough to sustain your relationship against all odds? Because trust me, the odds are stacked against you.

I guess you have to ask yourself at this point just how much you are willing to sacrifice for this relationship, because if you want to make this work it will require a lot of sacrifice - your time, your vacations, money,… If you are not sure about this, end the relationship sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more painful the breakup will be for both of you. Be honest with her and do not stay in the relationship just because you are afraid to break her heart, that is not a good reason to date somebody nor to marry eventually. One thing I can tell you is that I knew from the beginning that my husband would move the mountains to be with me - there was no doubt, no hesitation on his part on whether he would come to visit me or not. It was his commitment that made our relationship work. I think that you should also find a person that you are willing to move the mountains for - trust me, if you find her, you will not be lazy about going to see her.
 
Why not just put the visit off until you know whether you even want to move the relationship along or not? The fact that you are questioning it is reason enough to hold off. As bstorm pointed out, distance is not he only problem in this relationship. If it were, things would be easier for you to decide.
 
I have some news. A few days ago I told her that I kind of take her more like a friend and that I am no longer that enthusiastic about our relationship. But she still insisted that I visit her so we can see how our relationship evolves. I thought that maybe I really should visit her, but after few days, I lost my enthusiasm again. Its like every time I decide I will go to China, I get a feeling I shouldnt go there, because I dont feel much for her and when I decide I wont go there, I get a feeling that I should. She really is nice and says that she still loves me. But for me, when I see that she is online on skype, it doesnt please me as it used to. I no longer really look forward to talk with her. Maybe its also because she is not a christian.
As you may know, to go to China I need visa from the embassy. But my school semester starts 17.2. and it seems that the chance the visa would be finished soon enough so I can stay in China for a week is low. If the visa was finished too late, I means the money for the plane ticket would be wasted (I dont have the ticket yet, but I need it for the visa). I told my girlfriend this and she sent me a long email saying that its a shame, that it makes her sad but that she still loves me. I really dont want to make her sad, especially now, beacuse I know she has quite difficult times - her grandpa is probably incurably ill. I still dont know what to do. If I visit her, we could see how it goes and make a decision. But if I dont, she would probably still insist that I visit her in the future.
 
Emotion is what firstly brings a couple together… Hope all goes well
 
I think that if you really wanted to visit her, you would have stayed on top of everything and made sure you had your visa. It doesn’t sound like you want to go at all, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t. It sounds like it’s probably too late now anyway.

She doesn’t get to “insist” that you spend a large amount of money to go and visit her. It’s too bad that her Grandpa is in poor health, but it sounds like she is trying to guilt you into going and that isn’t fair. There is nothing wrong with saying “I don’t see us having a future” and leaving it at that. In fact, it is the more mature thing to do if that is really how you feel. She will get over it and you will be freeing her up to find someone who is less ambivalent about her.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think that if you really wanted to visit her, you would have stayed on top of everything and made sure you had your visa. It doesn’t sound like you want to go at all, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t. It sounds like it’s probably too late now anyway.

She doesn’t get to “insist” that you spend a large amount of money to go and visit her. It’s too bad that her Grandpa is in poor health, but it sounds like she is trying to guilt you into going and that isn’t fair. There is nothing wrong with saying “I don’t see us having a future” and leaving it at that. In fact, it is the more mature thing to do if that is really how you feel. She will get over it and you will be freeing her up to find someone who is less ambivalent about her.
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This.

It shouldn’t be this hard. If the relationship were right for you, you would know.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think that if you really wanted to visit her, you would have stayed on top of everything and made sure you had your visa. It doesn’t sound like you want to go at all, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t. It sounds like it’s probably too late now anyway.

She doesn’t get to “insist” that you spend a large amount of money to go and visit her. It’s too bad that her Grandpa is in poor health, but it sounds like she is trying to guilt you into going and that isn’t fair. There is nothing wrong with saying “I don’t see us having a future” and leaving it at that. In fact, it is the more mature thing to do if that is really how you feel. She will get over it and you will be freeing her up to find someone who is less ambivalent about her.
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I second (or actually third) this. Do the kind thing and do not give her a false hope. Do not prolong this relationship needlessly.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think that if you really wanted to visit her, you would have stayed on top of everything and made sure you had your visa. It doesn’t sound like you want to go at all, and if you don’t, you shouldn’t. It sounds like it’s probably too late now anyway.
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I agree.

Jan,

I say that your relationship being a long-distance relationship is not the real issue here. If you really love each other AND have God as the centre of your lives, you will overcome everything. You gotta sit and talk to God, carefully think and discern with prayer what is BEST for you two. Love is an action that comes from the will, a decision. It involves self-sacrifice for the best of the other person. You must discern what God wants for you and follow His Will and carry the cross. You can not measure love, but there is a way to know how much you love the person, and that is by answering the question " Would you die for her, would you take a bullet for her?" Self-sacrifice, self-giving.

My husband and I met here in CAF and dealt with 12 hours of difference for about a year. I was in America and he was here in Asia. I say that your problem is not the distance, but it has to do if whether you truly love her and want to walk the path towards holiness together and answering God’s call to the vocation, or you don’t because you feel she is not the woman you would marry in the future.

For your information, I’ve seen here in Singapore many inter-faith engaged couples that are willing to raise their kids in the Catholic faith. 🙂 Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do the same?

Frankly speaking, why date if you’re not looking towards marriage?

Blessings,
Elizabeth
 
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