Distraught over mother giving unsound advice to sibling regarding purity

[Jenny33]

Hi everyone. Some time ago, I posted a thread about how I had found out my mother who is in the process of getting divorced is committing adultery with a man she claims G-d brought into her life. I caught a lot of flack because I found out through snooping. We talked about it…and things were slowly getting better.

Until now. My sister (20) confessed to me that she asked my mom for advice because her boyfriend had been pressuring her to get physical, while my sister protested that she believes in waiting until marriage. He threatened my sister saying he would leave her if she didn’t get intimate with him, so my sister left him and heldfast to her morals. I was so proud of her. But she confessed that she had gone to my mom to seek counsel when she was in distress, and my mother told her “it’s okay because you love each other, we can’t get away from sin unless we become nuns.” I am extremely heartbroken to hear my mom gave her such unsound advice.

My mom used to instill the faith and it’s morals into us, but now she’s saying things like this which are so out of her nature. Worst of all, her “boyfriend” is known for saying the same thing. My mom was incredibly desperate for love and affection that my bio father didn’t give her…but I fear that this was the perfect storm to set her up and let herself be swayed by her “boyfriend.”

What should I do? It’s heartbreaking. My family is falling apart over this guy. He’s sketchy. And we left my father over alcohol and pornography problems…yet my moms new bf has impure pages liked on his Facebook

 

[F_Marturana]

Jenny, there isn’t anything you can do, except pray.

At 20, your sister is an adult, and thankfully did the right thing. I know it must be hard that your mom is living a life contrary to your beliefs. Pray for her.

 

[WA_Catholic]

Good for your sister! I hope I can find a woman like that someday. In regards to your mother, It may be time to cut ties for awhile. I don’t know how close you are with her but if I heard my mother say anything remotely close to this to my sisters that would be the end of any meaningful relationship I would have with her unless she demonstrated otherwise. Now I am not saying to never speak to her again and not treat her with respect, but maybe distance yourself from her.

 

[Jenny33]

Yes my sister is an adult, but I have a teen sister whom I fear will also get the same advice as my 20 year old should a similar situation arise. Also in my 20’s, I watch for their souls because my father failed to do so, and my mother somewhat as well. I’m sadly “parentified.” Especially after leaving my father.

Please pray for me, and thank you

 

[Irishmom2]

My family is falling apart over this guy. He’s sketchy.

He may be sketchy, but he isn’t the one causing your family to “fall apart.” I am not even sure what you mean by that. You know right from wrong, and apparently, your sister does as well. So they only one that is falling apart is your mom. And there is nothing you can do to change that. She knows what she is doing, and she justifies it to quiet her mind.

Pray for her and do what is right for yourself.

 

[Jenny33]

Thank you for your words

 

[Psalm30]

He threatened my sister saying he would leave her if she didn’t get intimate with him

The bigger issue here is that someone who threatens to leave a relationship if they don’t get their way is emotionally abusive. Religious morals put aside, it’s a major red flag if a boyfriend/girlfriend says, “Do what I want—even if you’re not comfortable with it—or I’ll leave you.” It’s alarming that your mother doesn’t see that.

As sad as it is that your mother does not follow Catholic values, the bigger problem is that she seems to have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I would pray for her and keep an eye on your sisters. If you see that your sisters are in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive, do mention it to them. Ultimately they will have to make their own decisions, but it’s the loving thing to do to tell them you see red flags.

 

[AdamP88]

It’s great that your sister did the right thing. It’s also worth recognising that pressuring for sex, even in a married relationship, is emotional abuse and is not respecting the decisions of the other person.

It sounds like your mother is desperately afraid to be alone, and is willing to compromise her faith and morals in order to feel loved, that is a sad situation and there’s nothing really you can do about that. You can’t force your mother to change and you can’t fix her brokenness. Pray that God ultimately leads her back to the right path and that’s all really. Keep the faith with your siblings and be happy that your sister is a strong enough woman to know when she is being manipulated.

 

[AdamP88]

, but I have a teen sister whom I fear will also get the same advice as my 20 year old should a similar situation arise. Also in my 20’s, I watch for their souls because my father failed to do so, and my mother somewhat as well.

Then if you can, try to keep them in the faith and perhaps do some research yourself and instruct them in these matters. Hopefully you have the kind of relationship where this is possible.