Distraught: Sister wants a sex change

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valoriuslobo

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My sister announced over her Christmas break that she is exploring being transgender. She now identifies as a man, wears man clothing, and has cut her hair off. She’s saving up to chop off her breasts and is in therapy (possibly) to get approved for hormone “therapy.” I feel very sorry for her because, in my view, a variety of traumatic experiences in the past with violent men have led to this.

With that in mind, I wrote her telling her I will love her regardless of where her choices led her. I was very clear in saying “her” and “sister” etc and said she can’t expect people to jump on board with her decision. However, she mistook this letter as support. Should I clarify this to her or no? Her life is imploding around her, losing a job, a relationship, a dog, a house, etc all at once so I don’t want to add to her misery…

Also, I am terrified that my mother will support her decisions to mutilate her body. She has said several times that she will never support the decisions, so perhaps I should trust her. But my mind is working against my trust because she also has a very misguided notion that being a parent means going along with everything your children do. I won’t expose dirty laundry here, so no examples can I give. Should I just let this go & pray or should I take more of a stance of cutting myself out of the family if people go along with an abomination?

I am in such a weary, mixed up, depressed state over this. It may very well destroy my family’s connection. But most of all, my sister is in a world of misery and I feel powerless to help her.

If lines are drawn and decisions made, should I continue talking to my sister? I don’t think I could bear seeing her face to face, but would a phone call be considered condoning her choices?

Please help. Your advice is appreciated.
 
Unconditional positive regard is probably the best route to take (at all times). But make it clear that you do not support such an alteration of her very nature, and continue calling her by female pronouns, etc.
 
valoriuslobo said:
My sister announced over her Christmas break that she is exploring being transgender. She now identifies as a man, wears man clothing, and has cut her hair off. She’s saving up to chop off her breasts and is in therapy (possibly) to get approved for hormone “therapy.” I feel very sorry for her because, in my view, a variety of traumatic experiences in the past with violent men have led to this.

With that in mind, I wrote her telling her I will love her regardless of where her choices led her. I was very clear in saying “her” and “sister” etc and said she can’t expect people to jump on board with her decision. However, she mistook this letter as support. Should I clarify this to her or no? Her life is imploding around her, losing a job, a relationship, a dog, a house, etc all at once so I don’t want to add to her misery…

Also, I am terrified that my mother will support her decisions to mutilate her body. She has said several times that she will never support the decisions, so perhaps I should trust her. But my mind is working against my trust because she also has a very misguided notion that being a parent means going along with everything your children do. I won’t expose dirty laundry here, so no examples can I give. Should I just let this go & pray or should I take more of a stance of cutting myself out of the family if people go along with an abomination?

I am in such a weary, mixed up, depressed state over this. It may very well destroy my family’s connection. But most of all, my sister is in a world of misery and I feel powerless to help her.

If lines are drawn and decisions made, should I continue talking to my sister? I don’t think I could bear seeing her face to face, but would a phone call be considered condoning her choices?

Please help. Your advice is appreciated.
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All I can do is add you to my prayers. I am so sorry. I think you should continue to talk to your sister and remind her that this is just wrong.

😦
 
You might find some guidance in this:

“Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message To Parents Of Homosexual Children And Suggestions For Pastoral Ministers: A Statement of the Bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family.”

usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity/homosexuality/always-our-children.cfm

When someone asked Jesus if people would marry in Heaven, he replied that no, people will be like angels in Heaven.

Matthew 22:29-33
Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

This whole thing is distressing, and it would certain be best if your sister was not contemplating this radical change.

Still, if possible, it seems best for you to remain as much a sibling to your sister/brother as you can. I tend to view her as psychologically disturbed, much like a schizophrenic. She doesn’t really know what she is doing, I would say. Not really. Something chemical has gone seriously wrong in her brain. But don’t waste time telling your sister this. There’s nothing you can do.

When a sibling goes insane, I think the charitable thing to do is to be as kind as you can be.

I don’t say this would be easy. This is a “cross” to bear. Bear it as much as you can. But, of course, you have other crosses to bear, and other people to love and be kind to. Your whole life cannot revolve around your sister and her insanity.

Mental illness is a real thing. Your sister has a serious mental illness. She will probably never recover. It is not your fault. There’s nothing you can do about it.
 
Continue to let your sister know that you love her and will always love her. She will always be your sister, and you will always love her as such. But also make sure that you let her know that you do not agree with her choices.

I’m sure this is very difficult on your sister as well as on you. She may end up getting angry with you for not agreeing with her. Just continue to love her through it. Be as kind and understanding as you can be without agreeing with her choices.
 
I agree with all the previous posters that you shouldn’t cut off your sister or family.

I will pray for your sister, that she not go through with this and that she be healed of whatever mental injuries have led her to this state.

~ Edmundus
 
valoriuslobo said:
I feel very sorry for her because, in my view, a variety of traumatic experiences in the past with violent men have led to this…
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Might you be able to encourage her to seek out professionals who are experienced in dealing with abuse issues?

I realize you don’t want to support the sex change idea, but if she’s in such a vulnerable emotional state right now (losing a job, a relationship, a dog, a house), making her feel spiritually damned and abandoned might not be a wise idea at the moment.
 
I also think this: If you were to immediately cut off all communication, contact and association with your sister, and if that had the effect of jarring her out of her decision to have the surgery, then, I would support that.

If there were some other action you could take that would have the effect of jarring her out of her decision to have the surgery, then, I would support that.

But can you imagine any situation that would deter your sister with regard to this intention?

I am guessing that you do not.

But you are afraid that any supportiveness that you give her will only enable her to have this surgery done to her body.

Oh, it would have been so much better if the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s and 1970s had never occurred!

But it did occur. It occurred, and Catholics and other Christians of the USA and the Western democracies did far too little to resist it. It is partly our fault. No Sexual Revolution has ever occurred in the Muslim World. That’s just a fact. No Sexual Revolution has ever occurred in the Hindu World. That’s just a fact. In India to this day, no movie may even show any couple kissing on the lips. That is the law of the land.

But, we have to live in the mess that our USA has become. We in the USA and Western Democracies still to this day are too accepting of the Sexual Revolution Culture that is dominant, and many, many Catholics and other Christians behave according to some of the customs of the Sexual Revolutions Culture. I am not sinless. I have followed some of the customs of the Sexual Revolution Culture.

I guess I would take the stand of continuing to love, support, and associate with your sister as much as you can stand and have time for, while at the same time letting her know that you do not support or agree with sex change surgery because you view it as both sinful and insane, or, either sinful or insane. It is hard to be supportive and communicate to another that they are wicked or mentally disturbed. But, it is possible. They may then reject you supportiveness and will cut off contact with you. If the other does that, then that is THEIR choice.

Some people are determined to harm their lives, either due to a desire to sin (rebel), or due to mental illness that is not their fault. In such cases, outsiders cannot stop the “train wreck.”

But a key thing is for outsiders not to act like person everyone is focusing on is the only sinner. That is NEVER the case. I am a sinner. You are a sinnner too. In round about ways that sometimes aren’t easy to see, my sins and your sins have contributed to and are contributing to this catastrophe that is your sister’s life at the present. So, one thing I can do and one thing you can do is to become more personally righteous, to examine our own consciences about what we have done, what we have failed to do, what we are doing, what we are failing to do. God always wants us to correct ourselves first. That is in his saying about seeing the speck in other’s eye but failing to see the log in our own eye.

But I am not saying that we must all just give up because we are all sinners.

But you know from the Gospels that Jesus did associate with unrepentant sinners in a friendly, non-condemning manner. He was severly condemned for doing this by the religious authorities who deemed these sinners as unclean. They thought Jesus was maknig Himself unclean by associating with them. Some of them did repent, but apparently some of them never did. Yet, Jesus never abandoned his standard of righteousness. Jesus did not demand or extract repentance from the Woman Caught in Adultery. But He did rescue her from the punishment she deserved, and He did tell her to “go and sin no more.” And He made those ready to punish her cease their plan to punish her by making them thinking of their own undiscovered sins. So say He also was implicitly threatening to expose their secret sins which he knew of because of his Divine Connection to his Father in Heaven.

It might even be that part of the reason all this is happening with your sister is that God wants to you to see some sin of your own. so that you will be moved to repentance and to correct this aspect of your soul. I just say this is possible. Recall the Bible verse: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Romans 8:28. So, even this catastrophe can work for good. It can. If we are with God, or moving towards God, then the suffering we suffer can be redemptive. The things that seem like punishments from God can really be the corrections of a Good Parent. We must unite with God more and more, trust God more and more, surrender to God more and more, to let Him show us the way, and lead us.

Best wishes.
 
virbots said:
You might consider going here to get some ideas on how to handle this: sexchangeregret.com/
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Great link, thanks for posting it!

After reading through a few of the stories, it makes me think of post-abortive women. They are told that killing their baby (lump of tissue) will fix everything and their “problem” will be solved. But nothing is solved, because now they have a lifelong pain to cope with.

😦
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
while at the same time letting her know that you do not support or agree with sex change surgery because you view it as both sinful and insane, or, either sinful or insane. It is hard to be supportive and communicate to another that they are wicked or mentally disturbed. But, it is possible…
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She lost her job, home and dog. And apparently has past abuse issues. I don’t think "communicating to her that she’s a wicked, sinful and mentally disturbed is the best idea FOR HER right now.

If the sex change is truly a symptom of a deeper problem, maybe it’d be best to address the underlying issues rather than make her feel like a horrible, damned, mentally ill person ON TOP of everything else that’s going on?

valoriuslobo, you’re her SISTER! What should her “sister” do?
 
I would just like to point out that in order to through with this the OP’s sister is going to have to go through years of counseling to make sure that she is in a healthy state and able to make this decision on her own. They will evaluate for past abuse or trauma and if there is any she will be forced to deal with it before this transformation is signed off on. I’m not making a statement as to whether or not this surgery is right or wrong, just pointing out that counseling will be covered in spades.
 
Also, I’m of the belief that people who cut close family members out of their lives due to their personal decisions and not hurt or malice are doing the cut off family member a favor. No one needs those kind of people in their life. Its one thing to not support and strongly disagree with a decision, its another to turn your back on someone who has been there with you through everything when they did nothing to lash out at you.

That’s one thing I can say about my family. No matter who I loved, where I lived, what religion I converted to, what career choice I made, or what I did to my body they would always love me and welcome me with open arms, no matter how much they disagreed with or even hated my choices. That’s what real family and real love is.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I would just like to point out that in order to through with this the OP’s sister is going to have to go through years of counseling to make sure that she is in a healthy state and able to make this decision on her own. They will evaluate for past abuse or trauma and if there is any she will be forced to deal with it before this transformation is signed off on. I’m not making a statement as to whether or not this surgery is right or wrong, just pointing out that counseling will be covered in spades.
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I think everyone who is considering doing this should have to spend a week with someone who has had the surgery and regrets it.
 
Thank you for your responses, everyone. There is a clear consensus to not cut her out of my life or to disengage myself from my family relationships whatever they may become.

As for calling my sister wicked, I do not think that is charitable. My sister is not evil. I agree with several of the other posters who said she is very clearly suffering from some mental imbalance/disorder and needs serious psychological help. If my sister were wicked, she’d need an exorcist, not a shrink.

No, my sister is not a pracitising member of the church which is a whole other issue at play.

Yes, she is seeing a counselor as per my original post I think I said it might be to fulfill the requirement to get hormones…but time will tell.

Thank you for the Sex Change Regret page. I saw a documentary on TLC (I think) about a man who became a woman (had everything, ahem, removed) and went back to being a man. It was enlightening. I think there genuinely are some transsexuals, but some are just that way because of trauma. But I am no expert in these matters.

And a big THANK YOU to everyone who said they’ll pray. My sister, above whatever sorrow/anger/confusion I am feeling, is the real one hurting here and she needs it. So, on her behalf, thank you very much.
 
valoriuslobo said:
My sister, above whatever sorrow/anger/confusion I am feeling, is the real one hurting here and she needs it
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That’s wonderfully kind, but please also don’t discount your own needs during this time, especially if your sister goes through with it. I’ve heard people describe it as a grieving process, very much as if you lose a loved one… which in a way you do.
 
So, the very important thing is to pray for her to come back to Jesus. ONLY He can help her carry this cross.

Find a good solid retreat that the two of you can make together - perhaps a Silent retreat?
 
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