Divorce? Annulment? Counseling?

[Gertabelle]

My son’s dad and I have been married for just over four years. We have been dear friends since our childhood and even attended the same Catholic school together (although a year apart). At the time of our wedding, neither of us considered ourself Catholic or even Christian, so we had a civil ceremony.

Although we are dear friends, the marriage has not worked out so well. DH is just not interested in marital relations. He is loving and gentle, a wonderful listener, and a great dad. I asked him last July if we could just have an open and honest conversation about this. The end result was he told me he just doesn’t want to be married, that he’s sorry to have caused me this pain by asking me to marry him in the first place, that he’s just never really wanted to be married or be in a physical relationship with anyone. He was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do, and what others wanted him to do.

As his friend of over 25 years, I could see the truth in his words, that he really never has shown interest in romantic relationships, that it isn’t just me having been a bad wife or anything.

So I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said yes. I asked him if he would allow me to choose to stay in the marriage and just choose celibacy alongside him, he said no. He wants a divorce, so I’ve gone along and filed the paperwork with him.

I’ve considered “fighting” for our marriage, but other than praying I don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t hurt the whole family relationship, not to mention cost a fortune in lawyer’s fees.

Our son is now nearly three years old (in November) and is an extraordinary witness to the love of God. My soon-to-be-exhusband and I have chosen to live in the same house (hopefully with a separate basement apartment for him) to raise our son together.

I’m just at a loss. On the one hand, I don’t want my marriage to end. On the other hand, I’m now a practicing Catholic, very involved in the church, and take our son with me to mass every week. Soon-to-be-exhusband is still “not Christian” – maybe this is the path that God has chosen for me to be in a Catholic marriage eventually. I just don’t know. I didn’t see this coming, but if I’d had my eyes open before the marriage, I would have seen this coming.

I know I can get an annulment because of “lack of canonical form,” but I’m having a really hard time letting go of this marriage.

Thoughts? Comfort? Similar stories? Handsome single brothers? (I am so totally kidding!!!)

Many blessings.
Gertie
Nada te turbe, nada te espante. Todo se pasa. Dios no se muda.
Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you. All things pass away. God never changes. (St. Teresa of Avila)

 

[nana3]

I am sorry to hear that you too have to go through this. There seems to be so many marriages ending up in divorce these days. My sister has gone through what you are going through. She was married for 15 years and did not want to end the marriage. She wanted to work on it for their sake and their two children. He did not want to work on it. He wanted out of the marriage as soon as possible. I think when a man sets his mind on what he wants to do, he does it. My sister’s situation is totally different then yours, but the way you feel is the same way she felt. She did not want to end 15 years of marriage. She did not know what to do except pray for a miracle that he would change his mind. It never happened. Of course, now they are enemies and in a ugly custody battle, but hopefully some day they could forgive each other and move on.

I will pray for you and your husband. Maybe, you will get a miracle. If he wants out and is determined, about all you can do is pray for the best. I am glad that he is a good father. My sister’s ex is not and never was a good father. That is why there is a custody battle. I hope things work out for you. My sister is having to start her whole life over again and at the age of 40 is going back to college to her bachelors degree.

May our Lord give you the strength to get this trial in your life.

 

[sarahlee]

Oh Gertie, I don’t have much advice, just comfort. I am so sorry this has happened. I’m sure you never imagined in a million years you’d be in this situation. Just continue to pray that God’s Will be done and pray the Rosary daily. It’s easy to do when you download it at www.virtualrosary.org

((((so sorry))))

Sarah

 

[dulcissima]

If neither of you were Catholic at the time of the marriage, you would not be able to get an annulment based upon lack of canonical form. I would still discuss this with a priest though and see what he thinks. I think even if you are not planning on seeking a relationship in the future it is still a good idea to pursue an annulment if it is likely you have the grounds. That is what I am going to do, just because I would like to know the truth.

 

[Gertabelle]

If neither of you were Catholic at the time of the marriage, you would not be able to get an annulment based upon lack of canonical form. I would still discuss this with a priest though and see what he thinks. I think even if you are not planning on seeking a relationship in the future it is still a good idea to pursue an annulment if it is likely you have the grounds. That is what I am going to do, just because I would like to know the truth.

I’m sorry to hear that you are having to go through an annulment. I pray that the truth will indeed set you free.

Actually, from what I read in a Knights of Columbus pamphlet “lack of canonical form” would apply. We’ve both been baptized and confirmed in the faith, and neither of us has ever joined another faith through a “formal act.”

Having returned to the Church so recently, I don’t really have a relationship with either of our parish priests. I’m really hesitating on meeting with either of them, or our parish deacon, to discuss any of this. I’m assuming that the divorce needs to be final before I can begin paperwork for an annulment, so I have a couple more months (there’s a 90 day waiting period in Colorado).

Blessings.
Gertie
Nada te turbe, nada te espante. Todo se pasa. Dios no se muda.
Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you. All things pass away. God never changes.

 

[dulcissima]

Sorry, I guess I misread your initial post and thought you weren’t Catholics when you married. Yes, if you were both baptised and confirmed it looks like you can do that once your divorce is finalized. It probably is best not to rush into it if you you are not feeling ready.