divorce

[krhodes]

My wife decided to divorce me after 8 years of marriage and two children. I tried everything to get the marriage to work and she refused. Is divorce breaking a promise against god and how much do I have to do with that promise? My other question is how do I forgive her. I have having great difficulty with this situation and I can’t seem to find resolve.

 

[Gertabelle]

I am so sorry for what you’re going through, and it is actually good that you are feeling so much. It shows that you are committed to your marriage vows, your children, and your wife.

I am speaking from my own understanding here, not from the catechism, but I don’t think divorce itself is breaking a promise. You can live your promises to the mother of your children for the rest of your life, regardless of what the law says about your vows and your union. Remarrying would be breaking your marriage vows, unless there is just cause to believe that your vows were never valid in the first place. The Church can look into that with you if you choose to pursue an annulment.

The only way to forgive her is to forgive her. For now, just be with all of your feelings with the intention of forgiving her. Forgiveness is really a choice, not a feeling.

One thing that really, really, really helped me (though it was extraordinarily difficult) was to look honestly at what I had contributed to our getting a divorce. In my case, it was choosing to marry a man I knew didn’t want to be married. It was choosing (over many years) to walk away from my beliefs and my faith to follow the “easier” path of American society. When I saw my part in creating the divorce, I forgave myself. That made it much easier to forgive my son’s father.

God bless you. You all will remain in my prayers.

Gertie

 

[timotheos]

Welcome to the forums, krhodes. I am so sorry this is the topic of your first post.

It is really hard in times like these to understand why God would allow this to happen, or wonder if He even cares. However, it is so important now to trust Him and pray, even if you think you have been utterly abandoned. God never abandons anyone. His timetables are different than ours, and His ways are so above ours. It’s tempting to imagine a superhuman Jesus who felt no real pain at the pillar or on the cross. But pain was not above even God’s son, and you or I can’t escape it either.

As for forgiveness, I take my instruction from the Lord’s Prayer. “God, forgive me for what I have done, in the same way that I forgive those who have done things to me.” You must be prepared at any moment to forgive her, if she comes to you with a sorrowful heart. Even if it is not likely to ever happen, you need to get to a point where you could. But, you do have the right to feel hurt until then. Just as God feels pretty hurt when, in spite of everything He’s given us, we do some pretty nasty things and then take up to 20 or more years to get to confession. I’m just so thankful He is ready to forgive when I am ready to confess.

I will pray for you too tonight.

-Tim

 

[jmdana]

That is a terrible blow. May God our father be your source of strength and support in this time of crisis.

I remember when my parents divorced. I was 18 and they had been married for 22 years. My dad found great comfort in a program called “beginning experience” through our parish at home.

I will pray for you and your wife.

 

[1ke]

I’d suggest counseling with your priest to help you deal with this. He may be able to recommend a Catholic counselor as well.

As for the sinfulness of divorce, each person is responsible for whatever part-- if any-- they had in the breakdown of the marriage. But, in the US today “no fault” divorce makes it nearly impossible for one spouse to prevent the other from obtaining a divorce and the innocent spouse would not have any “sin” in that case.

You need to talk to your priest regarding all of this, he can guide you spiritually as well as help you deal with your emotions and loss.