Divorced parents and live-in girlfriend

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chadadkins

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Hello all,

I’ve been a member of the forums for quite sometime and this is my first post. I’m a new convert to the Catholic Church and my wife is a cradle Catholic. We have an 8 year old daughter who is also obviously being raised Catholic.

Here is where the problem comes in. My father divorced my mother about 3 years ago and he now has a live in girlfriend. She is a very nice woman and I feel she really loves my father. They both love my daughter and would love for her to come for an overnight visit.

I obviously don’t want to keep my father from seeing his granddaughter but I also don’t want to expose her to this lifestyle.

Am I wrong to keep my daughter from staying with them simply because I don’t agree with the lifestyle their living. I’ve let her visit them for the day while I am there and I’m wondering if this is wrong as well.

Looking for some guidance on this matter.

Thanks,
Chad
 
Shielding your daughter from the realities of the world will not help her one bit.
The fact that her grandfather is in a de facto relationship should have no bearing on her relationship with him.
 
Talk to both your dad and to your daughter about it. She shouldn’t be sheltered, but on the other hand, she shouldn’t be left to think that this kind of behavior is acceptable either. It would be a good learning experience for her too to realize that even grown-ups make mistakes too!😛
 
Thank you both for your reply and the advice. I don’t plan on keeping her from him completely. I guess my main problem is if I let her spend the weekend there I feel like I’m telling her I think their behavior is o.k. I don’t want to relay the message to my eight year old that it’s fine to live with someone you’re not married to. Also my father has lived with three different women in the three years he’s been divorced and my daughter has met all of them at one time or another. I don’t want to offend him or his girlfriend but I just feel it totally goes against my faith by letting her stay overnight there.
 
I think you are quite correct to not let your daughter sleep over, I think you would be scandalizing your child by allowing that. Day visits are a good compromise.
 
You are the adult in this situation.
I find it odd, frankly, that you seek advice from an internet forum on this matter.
Show some leadership. Sort it out yourself.
Who knows: one day, your daughter might have to deal with people who have self-righteous or sanctimonious attitudes.
She may even encounter those who judge others.
To whom will she turn?
 
chadadkins said:
Thank you both for your reply and the advice. I don’t plan on keeping her from him completely. I guess my main problem is if I let her spend the weekend there I feel like I’m telling her I think their behavior is o.k. I don’t want to relay the message to my eight year old that it’s fine to live with someone you’re not married to. Also my father has lived with three different women in the three years he’s been divorced and my daughter has met all of them at one time or another. I don’t want to offend him or his girlfriend but I just feel it totally goes against my faith by letting her stay overnight there.
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If you don’t want your daughter to spend the weekend with her grandfather for whatever reason, then don’t. I think you have some good instincts in this matter.

If your father lived with your mother, I doubt you would have posted this question. He divorced you mom and that has some consequences. Did he worry about offending your mom when he divorced her? Don’t worry about offending them–do what you think is right for your daughter.

Overnight visits with grandchildren are a privledge of grandparents–not a right. Some parents are uncomfortable letting their children stay overnight with grandparents for other reasons besides the reasons you gave. For example: my in-laws have a* very* un-child safe home–I fear for my younger children’s physical safety everytime we visit them. Parents are accountable for their children’s physical and moral safety. If you think this situation poses a danger to your daughter, do what you believe is best for her.
 
hansard said:
You are the adult in this situation.
I find it odd, frankly, that you seek advice from an internet forum on this matter.
Show some leadership. Sort it out yourself.
Who knows: one day, your daughter might have to deal with people who have self-righteous or sanctimonious attitudes.
She may even encounter those who judge others.
To whom will she turn?
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What kind of a remark is this for one Catholic to make to another? The plain truth is that what this man’s father is doing is against Church teaching and morally wrong. How is it being “self-righteous” to say that? His father may have chosen to live this lifestyle, but this man is not obliged to expose his young, impressionable daughter to it. It’s sad that in this day and age saying that an action is objectively wrong is equivalent to being “judgmental” and “sanctimonious.”

Chad, have you told your dad how you feel about this? Maybe it’s time the two of you had a heart-to-heart.
 
Then his daughter will need to be shielded from all types of people who may or may not have done something counter to the teachings of the Church.
For example, under this requirement, contact with gays is strictly forbidden. The same with anyone who may have had an abortion, used contraception, engaged in premarital sex, questioned any theological matter, stolen anything, not attended mass on Sunday, been a member of any religion other than the Catholic Church.
I could go on.
See, anyone who has done any of the above things has engaged in “immoral” conduct, contrary to the teachings of the Church. Is the OP’s daughter to be locked in a convent?
Why not ban her from going to the local supermarket because they sell condoms, or from going to the cinema because they occasionally show R-rated movies with sex, murder and immorality.
My point is this: the only way for Christians to have any impact at all is to engage in the real world and confront the beast head-on if necessary. At other times, it means placing oneself in human society and learning to deal with unpleasant situations (such as the fact that your grandfather lives with his girlfriend).
Education of the daughter is the key in this situation. Sensible education, so that she might one day arrive at her own decision, based on information and (heaven help us) human compassion.

But I’m a heretic of old. What would I know? :mad:
 
hansard said:
You are the adult in this situation.
I find it odd, frankly, that you seek advice from an internet forum on this matter.
Show some leadership. Sort it out yourself.
Who knows: one day, your daughter might have to deal with people who have self-righteous or sanctimonious attitudes.
She may even encounter those who judge others.
To whom will she turn?
Click to expand...
“And in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 24:6b

“Help carry each other’s burdens.” Galations 6:2a
 
hansard said:
Then his daughter will need to be shielded from all types of people who may or may not have done something counter to the teachings of the Church.
For example, under this requirement, contact with gays is strictly forbidden. The same with anyone who may have had an abortion, used contraception, engaged in premarital sex, questioned any theological matter, stolen anything, not attended mass on Sunday, been a member of any religion other than the Catholic Church.
I could go on.
See, anyone who has done any of the above things has engaged in “immoral” conduct, contrary to the teachings of the Church. Is the OP’s daughter to be locked in a convent?
Why not ban her from going to the local supermarket because they sell condoms, or from going to the cinema because they occasionally show R-rated movies with sex, murder and immorality.
My point is this: the only way for Christians to have any impact at all is to engage in the real world and confront the beast head-on if necessary. At other times, it means placing oneself in human society and learning to deal with unpleasant situations (such as the fact that your grandfather lives with his girlfriend).
Education of the daughter is the key in this situation. Sensible education, so that she might one day arrive at her own decision, based on information and (heaven help us) human compassion.

But I’m a heretic of old. What would I know? :mad:
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The Catechism of the Catholic Church

[2223](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2223.htm’)😉 Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery - the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the "material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones."31 Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children.

**2353 ***Fornication *is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young.
 
hansard said:
Then his daughter will need to be shielded from all types of people who may or may not have done something counter to the teachings of the Church.
For example, under this requirement, contact with gays is strictly forbidden. The same with anyone who may have had an abortion, used contraception, engaged in premarital sex, questioned any theological matter, stolen anything, not attended mass on Sunday, been a member of any religion other than the Catholic Church.
I could go on.
See, anyone who has done any of the above things has engaged in “immoral” conduct, contrary to the teachings of the Church. Is the OP’s daughter to be locked in a convent?
Why not ban her from going to the local supermarket because they sell condoms, or from going to the cinema because they occasionally show R-rated movies with sex, murder and immorality.
My point is this: the only way for Christians to have any impact at all is to engage in the real world and confront the beast head-on if necessary. At other times, it means placing oneself in human society and learning to deal with unpleasant situations (such as the fact that your grandfather lives with his girlfriend).
Education of the daughter is the key in this situation. Sensible education, so that she might one day arrive at her own decision, based on information and (heaven help us) human compassion.

But I’m a heretic of old. What would I know? :mad:
Click to expand...
The original poster wasn’t asking about cutting off all contact between his daughter and his divorced father with the serial live-ins. He was asking about overnight visits. There is a difference. Overnight visits with other people’s children is not an entitlement. If parents are uncomfortable leaving their child overnight for any reason with other people–including grandparents or relatives–the parents shouldn’t feel guilty over saying, “no”.

Yes, education of our children is key. They will encounter many people who do not share our moral values. By being there with his daughter for short visits rather than extended overnight visits, the child will learn how to deal with the situation. Exposing her to more than short visits might do more than simply teaching her how to deal with immoral behavior–it might teach her that it’s okay to imitate it.
 
chadadkins said:
Also my father has lived with three different women in the three years he’s been divorced and my daughter has met all of them at one time or another.
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The answer is in your own posting - three women in three years. Frankly, my daughter would not be meeting any of these come-and-go live-in lady friends.
 
I wouldn’t allow overnight visits and I wouldn’t allow dad and girlfriend to sleep together at my house either if the situation came up.
 
Well, looks like we’re still at the point of advising the OP to do what he thinks is best as a father.
So, Chad, dude, here it is, straight up: do what you think is best as a father.
You can always consult the Cathechism on this: I believe 2223 and 2353 are applicable (thanks, rayne89 for that).
 
hansard said:
Well, looks like we’re still at the point of advising the OP to do what he thinks is best as a father.
So, Chad, dude, here it is, straight up: do what you think is best as a father.
You can always consult the Cathechism on this: I believe 2223 and 2353 are applicable (thanks, rayne89 for that).
Click to expand...
Apparently, you feel quite free to disregard his “right as a father” to asked for the opinions of others . . .
Am I wrong to keep my daughter from staying with them simply because I don’t agree with the lifestyle their living. I’ve let her visit them for the day while I am there and I’m wondering if this is wrong as well.
Click to expand...
Looking for some guidance on this matter.
Click to expand...
 
Yeah I’m in a VERY similar situation.

My dad and mom divorced when I was 16…though I wouldn’t say one or the other divorced the other…I think in their situation it was mutual and I won’t listen to either argue it was the other’s fault. My role isn’t judgement on their situation…I’m sick of being the in-between 😛

Anyways, my dad has been “in a relationship” with a very nice woman for about 4 years now. I like her a lot, but I really hate that they basically live together whenever my dad is in the country (my dad has been working in another country for 2 years). And I’m engaged to be married to a great very orthodox Catholic young man this December.

So needless to say I’m worried about future children as well…but I also love my family. I mean the are MY family, and the only family I have. I don’t want my children to be estranged from them. I know my fiance and I will have lots of discussions about this in the future, but right now staying with them together seems to be an okay option for now. I don’t think there would be many times that the kids would spend the night alone with them…and I’m not yet sure how I feel about that. Older kids would be especially impressionable…less so than younger kids perhaps…depends.

So I’ll be curious to see what others think…I don’t have much other thoughts to pass on beyond just wanted to say you aren’t the only one in this uncomfortable situation! I pray you find your answers, and ones you feel comfortable with.
 
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