Do I have to agree for there to be peace?

[struggling4him]

I am a fairly down to earth guy who usually doesn’t get all riled up over a lot of things. My wife, on the other hand, is very excitable. It seems as though it often leads to drama between us. The most recent example is a caroling party that we are hosting for Christmas. Members of both of our families were invited - my sister declined because she “doesnt have the courage to go caroling” and my parents will probably decline, as they did a past party, because my mother has fears about being in groups of people (its something we’ve all tried to help her with, she hasnt worked in several yrs, she’s getting counseling).

My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family. Rather than nodding my head and agreeing, I gently told her that no one is intending to be rude, my sister is nervous about singing and my mother has a condition which she’s seeking help for. My wife became aggravated by this and said I am never comforting, and I am never on her side, and this led to an explosive argument that ended with her going out for a while.

My heart broke for her because she kept expressing how I am supposed to be on her side and she doesn’t feel like I am. The question that keeps going through my mind, though I don’t ask for fear of pouring gasoline on fire, is: what if she is wrong?

I love my wife very much, but throughout our engagement and marriage, there have been numerous instances where I think she has needlessly taken offense at things which aren’t necessarily offensive. She is very thin-skinned. I do not feel like spending the rest of my life telling her I agree when I don’t really just to keep peace in our marriage. I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

 

[1ke]

She was like this before you married her. Did you expect her to magically change? Did you talk about this before you married?

I suggest you get some joint counseling.

 

[struggling4him]

She was like this before you married her. Did you expect her to magically change?

Yes, lesson learned. Thank you for the equivalent of an “I told you so.”

I suggest you get some joint counseling

I’m signing up for my own counseling this week. I have asked her repeatedly, but she refuses. I hope that at least my own going will help somewhat.

 

[1ke]

Not meant to be an “I told you so”. Meant to be self-reflective-- you can only change you and you can only manage your expectations.

You already knew this about your wife, chose to ignore it while dating, but now do not want to ignore it or “spend the rest of your life agreeing” to keep the peace. Well, that is not realistic. You have expectations of her and her behavior that are not grounded in the reality of who she is right now.

If she is not at the point where she can make a change-- clearly not self aware enough to even know this is an actual problem-- then all you can do is manage YOU.

You will have to adjust your expectations and the way you manage your reactions so that you do not escalate into a fight. What can YOU do in order to avoid a fight? Might that include “agreeing” when you really don’t or remaining silent when you do not agree? Possibly.

I think it is excellent to get some Catholic individual counseling even if she will not go. I also suggest Greg Popcak’s book For Better… Forever.

 

[Tietjen]

Yes, lesson learned. Thank you for the equivalent of an “I told you so.”

I’m signing up for my own counseling this week. I have asked her repeatedly, but she refuses. I hope that at least my own going will help somewhat.

I don’t believe that 1ke, meant it as an “I told you so” but perhaps it was simply that she doesn’t understand the situation. I was married to an extremely thin skinned woman for 20+ years and know somewhat what you must be going through. I often felt trapped between wanting to support my wife but at the same time not wanting to create problems with my mom (they didn’t get along). It’s a horrible situation to be in, especially when it’s over “little things” like this.

Maybe in your situation there is another way around this. Perhaps you can speak to your mom & sister and see if they would be alright with supporting you and your wife’s caroling party by preparing some food and drinks for when everyone returns? This way everyone is using their talents in support of the caroling party without feeling forced to sing to strangers. Warm apple cider and perhaps a hot meal after spending the evening caroling would be an awesome way for everyone to feel included and should be seen by your wife as a reasonable compromise.

Wishing you the best. Take care and God bless.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

Your wife needs some therapy, also, if you are giving an accurate portrayal. No surprise, we often marry someone like our opposite gender parent. OTOH, I wonder what the purpose is of contradicting her when she is expressing an opinion in her own home that no one else but you will hear? Try to extend to your wife the charitable understanding you would like her to extend to your mom and sister.

In the short term: go to counselling together, because you are a family and it isn’t her problem, it is a family issue, and you also have things to learn.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am a fairly down to earth guy who usually doesn’t get all riled up over a lot of things. My wife, on the other hand, is very excitable. It seems as though it often leads to drama between us. The most recent example is a caroling party that we are hosting for Christmas. Members of both of our families were invited - my sister declined because she “doesnt have the courage to go caroling” and my parents will probably decline, as they did a past party, because my mother has fears about being in groups of people (its something we’ve all tried to help her with, she hasnt worked in several yrs, she’s getting counseling).

My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family. Rather than nodding my head and agreeing, I gently told her that no one is intending to be rude, my sister is nervous about singing and my mother has a condition which she’s seeking help for. My wife became aggravated by this and said I am never comforting, and I am never on her side, and this led to an explosive argument that ended with her going out for a while.

My heart broke for her because she kept expressing how I am supposed to be on her side and she doesn’t feel like I am. The question that keeps going through my mind, though I don’t ask for fear of pouring gasoline on fire, is: what if she is wrong?

I love my wife very much, but throughout our engagement and marriage, there have been numerous instances where I think she has needlessly taken offense at things which aren’t necessarily offensive. She is very thin-skinned. I do not feel like spending the rest of my life telling her I agree when I don’t really just to keep peace in our marriage. I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

I have a magic phrase. It works in so many situations, if it could be patented, someone would make a fortune.

“You know, you might be right.”

Because, the truth is, she might be. Even if it’s not likely that she is, she still might be. That simple phrase will de-escalate so many angry people, maybe it could help with Middle Eastern peace.

She is wrong about your family being rude in this situation. But ultimately, that’s not what the fight was about. She wants to know you have her back, so find out another way that you can give her that assurance without directly saying, “Yeah, my family members are just rude for turning down our invitation.”

 

[Phaedra777]

My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family. Rather than nodding my head and agreeing, I gently told her that no one is intending to be rude, my sister is nervous about singing and my mother has a condition which she’s seeking help for. My wife became aggravated by this and said I am never comforting, and I am never on her side, and this led to an explosive argument that ended with her going out for a while.

My heart broke for her because **she kept expressing how I am supposed to be on her side and she doesn’t feel like I am. **The question that keeps going through my mind, though I don’t ask for fear of pouring gasoline on fire, is: what if she is wrong?

I love my wife very much, but throughout our engagement and marriage, there have been numerous instances where I think she has needlessly taken offense at things which aren’t necessarily offensive. She is very thin-skinned. I do not feel like spending the rest of my life telling her I agree when I don’t really just to keep peace in our marriage. I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

I don’t think you have to agree with everything your wife says in order to keep peace as it is your wife who destroys the peace whenever anyone dares to decline an invitation or offer a different viewpoint.

I noticed that your wife accuses you of “never” being on her side. Even she knows that’s not true. That’s just a tactic to get her own way by manipulating you into feeling guilty.

Your wife behaves like this because it works. It’s up to you to change this pattern. Counseling for you is a good idea as you’ll pick up some nifty tips. I’m not at all surprised your wife won’t go–that would imply there’s a problem, something she clearly will not admit.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I am a fairly down to earth guy who usually doesn’t get all riled up over a lot of things. My wife, on the other hand, is very excitable. It seems as though it often leads to drama between us. The most recent example is a caroling party that we are hosting for Christmas. Members of both of our families were invited - my sister declined because she “doesnt have the courage to go caroling” and my parents will probably decline, as they did a past party, because my mother has fears about being in groups of people (its something we’ve all tried to help her with, she hasnt worked in several yrs, she’s getting counseling).

My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family. Rather than nodding my head and agreeing, I gently told her that no one is intending to be rude, my sister is nervous about singing and my mother has a condition which she’s seeking help for. My wife became aggravated by this and said I am never comforting, and I am never on her side, and this led to an explosive argument that ended with her going out for a while.

My heart broke for her because she kept expressing how I am supposed to be on her side and she doesn’t feel like I am. The question that keeps going through my mind, though I don’t ask for fear of pouring gasoline on fire, is: what if she is wrong?

I love my wife very much, but throughout our engagement and marriage, there have been numerous instances where I think she has needlessly taken offense at things which aren’t necessarily offensive. She is very thin-skinned. I do not feel like spending the rest of my life telling her I agree when I don’t really just to keep peace in our marriage. I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

Just tell her that you both can come to an understanding to agree to disagree and drop the subject. On subjects where you don’t agree, state how you feel, let her say how she feels then agree to disagree and drop the subject and don’t discuss it anymore. No 2 people will ever agree on everything not in any relationship. So don’t waste your breath, time and energy arguing over things you disagree on. Especially things that don’t really change your life in any way. That’s how I see it. You both have a right to your opinion. Just tell her you’re sorry she feels hurt by them and that you can see her side of it and you can see your family’s side of it too, but let’s just agree to disagree on the subject and let it go. Tell her you’re on her side and their side too.

 

[mommy_k]

What your wife is mad at is that you are letting your family come between you. Don’t let that happen. She is disappointed that your family rejected her plans, ie: rejected her. Things like this can escalate, just be supportive to your wife when your family says no.Your sister could have come and not sang–its about togetherness. I Bet that’s how your wife sees it. She is hurt that you don’t see this.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I love my wife very much, but throughout our engagement and marriage, there have been numerous instances where I think she has needlessly taken offense at things which aren’t necessarily offensive. She is very thin-skinned. I do not feel like spending the rest of my life telling her I agree when I don’t really just to keep peace in our marriage. I feel embarrassed posting about this fight on here, but I couldnt believe party invitations could have led to the fight like the one we just had. Can someone please offer some advice?

Thank you for posting this. Maybe someone is in a relationship where they are over looking such behavior in their boyfriend/girlfriend. It is definitely a red flag.

I wish I had some advice and I will read the replies to see what comes up. Is your wife Catholic? Does she go regularly to confession? That would help her self assessment.

My brother married a woman like that. She was often taking offense and felt that people needed to apologize, or that she was mistreated some how. I understood by having her around what the saying meant, “Making a mountain over a molehill”. Over the years I felt that this was a bully tactic, and it must have worked for her over the years, that people bent over backwards to make her happy and reinforced the behavior. Her behavior really brought a ‘sourness’ to family occasions. Can you imagine a woman in her 30’s, complaining at Christmas that someone else got a gift that cost more than the gift she got? How do you even reply to such a complaint when someone is holding a lovely gift on their lap, and what they asked for! I can tell you, there is no peace in that heart, and even if you agree, which you don’t, it won’t change that fact. When Christ is King of a human heart, that heart looks to serve and love others, and does not demand that others serve them.

 

[Allegra]

I wonder if there are books your could read on how to de-escalate developing conflicts with overly-sensative people? Such books might be able to give you a script that would help with times like this. I would have probably said, “Well, what the heck do you want me to do about it? Sneak into their houses and bring them here in chains? Whip them with sleighbells if they refuse to sing?” This would probably not de-escalate the situation at all, so I’m not the right person to write the aforementioned book. Then I would say, “Look, I’m sorry you are upset, but they’re not coming and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Shall we cancel the whole event just because one guest is neurotic around other people and another doesn’t have enough yuletide joy in her cold, scroogy heart to let a “fa la la” escape her uptight little lips?” That would probably work with my spouse but it could easily backfire if you’ve got a spouse that gets mad at you alot and might want to tell others what you said about them latter on. In answer to your question, no I don’t think you have to agree. You just have to find a way to communicate with her so she doesn’t get upsets. Changing the subject with a phase like, “Well we’ll have fun without them” would probably help. You could also try one of those, “I hear where you’re coming from…” lines.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Let’s decide to make the best of this situation. Smile, give a kiss. Change the subject.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

2304 Respect for and development of human life require peace. Peace is not merely the absence of war, and it is not limited to maintaining a balance of powers between adversaries. Peace cannot be attained on earth without safeguarding the goods of persons, free communication among men, respect for the dignity of persons and peoples, and the assiduous practice of fraternity. Peace is “the tranquillity of order.” Peace is the work of justice and the effect of charity.

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2304.htm

You are not called to be at war with your spouse; rather called to help her attain heaven. Help safeguard what she cherishes and find ways to make what she cherishes bloom like a beautiful garden. If your family cannot help in this cultivating, make sure you safeguard her path to sparkle in her talents. It may require extending this to other friends & family who have similar talents. This will bring about peace.

 

[Lorelei12]

It sounds like both of you could stand to handle the situation better. Explosive arguments don’t happen on their own.

Like your wife, I am “excitable”. I am a very reactive person. And I am working on not using words like “never” or “always” (as in “you never do such and such”). It’s neither helpful nor accurate, and staying calmer when I am upset about something is difficult.

If you didn’t think your family was being rude, of course you didn’t have to agree that you thought they were. Your family has the right to decline any invitation they choose, for whatever reason. However…if this is an ongoing pattern (your family members choosing not to attend family or other functions), try to understand why your wife might be offended. She is trying to include your family, and perhaps to her it seems like more often than not, you make excuses for them rather than acknowledging that they could make a better effort and understanding why she might be upset about it. It’s okay for her to be upset- and when you try to explain away it just makes her feel like you’re telling her she shouldn’t be upset. Which leads her to believe that you’re not “on her side”. You can still be on her side and disagree with her. That requires some sensitivity to her feelings as opposed to defense of your family.

This is a pattern that both of you will need to work on. She needs to pay attention to what she says and her reactions, and you could probably stand to do a better job of making her feel like you support her and make it okay for her to feel upset sometimes. It appears that your family’s social anxiety issues are preventing them from spending time with you, and that’s unfortunate. You can acknowledge that this is upsetting while still being respectful of your family.

 

[Ruthie_again]

My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family. Rather than nodding my head and agreeing, I gently told her that no one is intending to be rude, my sister is nervous about singing and my mother has a condition which she’s seeking help for

You can support her without agreeing.

“Yes, I’m sorry they won’t be here. Maybe they will be able to next year, since my mother is getting treatment for her Social Anxiety Disorder. Won’t that be wonderful?”

I also like Tietjen’s suggestion of having your sister, and your mother if she can face it, hostessing an “after-caroling” party with the warm drinks, etc. Even if they just send some wine or cookies, that would show their support.

If you think it would help, send her to this website on Social Anxiety Disorder. But if you think she would pick the article apart, looking for ways to say your mother doesn’t have it and is just being rude, don’t!

 

[Richard320]

I can sympathize. We have problems with an anti-social sister-in-law on one side and a brother-in-law on the other who perpetually flakes at the last minute or shows up to family things an hour or more late.

Which has led to a lot of grumbling with “Why do we even bother inviting…” going both ways.

Not so much for you, struggling4him, since you have already figured this out on your own, but for others who may read this: You marry the family, too. Keep that in mind when discerning marriage.

 

[Groo]

I
My wife remarked that she was hurt by the rudeness of my family.

I’m reading two parts here

1. Your wife felt hurt. This is a feeling, and neither right nor wrong. You can show sympathy for her feelings.
2. Your family is rude. This seems to be where the conflict comes into play, because it’s your family.

First, you can acknowledge how she feels without addressing her accusation of rudeness on the part of your family. Let her know that you hear her when she says she is hurt and that you want to be there for her.

For #2, instead of agreeing or disagreeing, what about asking questions to explore her feelings on this?

What has my family done to make you feel they are being rude?
Do you think they are intending to be rude?
Has my family done other things to make you feel hurt?

I’m sure you can come up with better questions than that. The idea (only an idea) is to spend time connecting with her and exploring why she feels the way she feels.

If she tries to trap you with a question of whether you agree with her or not, you can try something like “I know my family’s actions of hurt you, and I hate it when you’re hurt. They are my family, and I am sure that I am blind to some of their faults. But I love you very much and want to support you when you’re hurt.”

 

[PennyinCanada]

I don’t think you have to agree with everything your wife says in order to keep peace as it is your wife who destroys the peace whenever anyone dares to decline an invitation or offer a different viewpoint.

I noticed that your wife accuses you of “never” being on her side. Even she knows that’s not true. That’s just a tactic to get her own way by manipulating you into feeling guilty.

Your wife behaves like this because it works. It’s up to you to change this pattern. Counseling for you is a good idea as you’ll pick up some nifty tips. I’m not at all surprised your wife won’t go–that would imply there’s a problem, something she clearly will not admit.

I agree.
I would like to know what the ‘nifty tips’ are!
As for bullies, this is a one page read with all kinds of tactics of bullies. Have a look if you like and see if you recognize any of them in your wife …bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm

I find it interesting that your mother has certain issues and your wife decided to arrange the very kind of event that would be difficult for her, then be upset that she doesn’t want to attend it. If someone had a phobia about giraffes and your wife makes sure there’s a room full of giraffes, why would she be upset that your mother declines to come? If your sister also has a phobia about giraffes, well, maybe cut her some slack that a room full of giraffes isn’t her thing either. It would have been kinder and generous on her part to simply say that it’s a shame they can’t enjoy the evening with you and maybe they can come by another time. That’s all. No drama. No explosive arguments. Curious, did she slam the door behind her when she left? I have known a few door slammers.