Do I HAVE TO be in love with my spouse, or try to?

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SoggyToast

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I’m not going to get into the backstory, it’s very long, I’ve rehashed it with so many people I just can’t do it again and the details don’t matter. The point is, my spouse has hurt me many times, lied about it for a long long time, treated me outright terribly for a while, and as a result my feelings and perception of my spouse as a person have changed/reduced.

Here’s the thing that may throw you for a loop: i am okay with this. Just so there’s no confusion, I AM OKAY WITH THIS. I know a lot of people want to know how to rekindle what they once had (or thought they did) and that’s fine, but I don’t. The things my spouse does bother me less now. They still bother me, but my world is not rocked with torture like it once was. And if my feelings reduce even further, that’s fine with me too. I am not looking for advice on how to rebuild trust or anything like that- my question is this:

Is it licit? Am i sinning by not “fighting for” these feelings? Is it my duty to try and Be In Love with my spouse? I don’t intend to be cold with my spouse, we have children, and i don’t intend to be visibly “businesslike” in front of them. We laugh with and care for them together, and I don’t think they’d ever know or suffer from my lack of romantic admiration for my spouse.

The reason i ask is because my spouse has been telling me that i MUST go to therapy or do something to try and rebuild these feelings and trust. My spouse quotes the catechism passage on conjugal love and says that i must strive and work towards that. I met with a priest personally and asked about this, and he said that passage illustrates the ideal, but that ultimately marriage is a contract that can be fulfilled no matter how you feel. When i told my spouse Father had said that, my spouse called and said “So you mean SoggyToast doesn’t have to work on the relationship anymore?” To which Father replied “No, i didn’t say that.” So my spouse is still insisting that i must try to be in love, and that i just misunderstood Father. I am not going to bother Father again about this, as he was audibly annoyed on the phone when my spouse called him, and i do not blame him.

I am willing to work on the relationship in the way of making sure we get along, that we are a warm and consistent family for the kids, and that we live out our vows. But what my spouse means by “work on the relationship” is “work on being in love with me again” and I do not wish to do that. I love my spouse as in willing the good for them, and perhaps in some other ways as well, but that is not the same as being In Love or admiring my spouse romantically as i once did.

My spouse also insists that this means i do not forgive my spouse or never will. Which i don’t believe is true.

So. What do you make of this?
 
You can still be married, live together forever, raise children together, etc. and yet, not feel the love you did when you were married. Being married is a vow - but you can’t help if your feelings change.

Having said that, as someone who’s been married forever; feelings change over time. There will be peaks and valleys. What you feel now might change 6 months from now or a year from now.

Judging from the back-story you didn’t want to share, it sounds like he did something to break that trust and cause your hurt feelings.

If he wants you to love and forgive him, he needs to do more than put his foot down and DEMAND you trust and love him again. He should consider how to WIN back your trust and love… sounds like maybe HE needs counseling while he gives you time to heal, move on with your emotions and see where future feelings might go.
 
And if my spouse doesn’t want to, that’s fine. I almost don’t want my spouse to because then it’s like I owe them that or something.
 
You can’t force romantic feelings. If they return it will be because your spouse has truly changed and in time you naturally come to trust and admire him or her again.

So long as you are both committed to living out your vows and treat each other’s with love and dignity, I don’t see a problem.

Where things become murky is that there is a air of apathy in your post. Like you can’t be bothered to care one way or the other. Apathy and love cannot coexist. So, guard against that.
 
I’m apathetic about being in love. If it’s bad that I don’t care about being in love, doesn’t that imply that i DO need to try to be in love?
 
SoggyToast said:
I’m apathetic about being in love.
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So long as you are not apathetic about your spouse or your marriage I think you can continue as you are. It’s not ideal. It will likely be a source of strain in your relationship, and it is bad for the overall health of your relationship. But, as I said, you can’t force it…

Are you open to the return of romantic love should it occur or will you do everything in your power to prevent a return to romance?
 
So the way I’ve thought about describing it is this.

It would be objectively better if we made 20 or 30k more dollars per year. Our home needs a lot of work and any other home we could afford would as well. It would also be objectively better to be able to leave more to our children or have a good emergency fund, or take the kids to Rome, stuff like that. It would be objectively better, and our current income is Not Ideal, even though we are basically comfortable and our needs are met. If God were to perform a miracle and grant us a mystery inheritance, or a completely unforeseen and absolutely unlikely and preposterous (but fortunate) job promotion, i would not go “Hey God, take your miracles and leave!! I’m saying No to God!!” Absolutely not. I’d be fully open to it.

However, am i actively working towards an increase of 20-30k a year? No. It’s probably not worth the ordinary efforts it would take from us in a practical sense. We are functional and secure enough, and I dont feel a need to pray for more money.

So i hope that analogy helps. Could things be better? Always. Better enough to invest in and actively seek? Not always.
 
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There is some openness there. God can work with that. Be careful to maintain that openness. God may well inspire a change in your spouse and work through him or her to repair what is broken and increase what is lacking. In fact, He may be doing that now.
 
And if those feelings just don’t come back (even if my spouse manages to go years and years without doing the things and treating me the way again), will that obligate me to a lifetime of therapy in pursuit of reobtaining those feelings, since my spouse would now be doing all the right things? People have been perfect to me before without me growing romantic feelings over it, you know what i mean?
 
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To be blunt, if your spouse wants romantic love and you are unwilling to try for it, you likely won’t have years and years of a relationship let alone years and years of therapy.
 
I mean… We have looked into separation and declaration of nullity with varying levels of seriousness since this all began, and i don’t think i or my spouse have a licit justification for filing for civil divorce which is required first (there’s no physical or financial danger to anyone involved), and its unlikely that a defect was present at the time of our vows, so I’ve kind of put that to rest. Separation seemed on the table when my spouse was treating me cruelly but my spouse has backed off a bit and i don’t think it’s worth changing the kids lives over, and my spouse agrees and is just as firmly Catholic as I am. I’m not sure what you mean by “there might not be a relationship.”
 
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SoggyToast said:
I’m not sure what you mean by “there might not be a relationship.”
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Absent any effort from you (assuming your spouse continues to desire romantic love), he or she may reconsider separation.

It’s one thing if both people decide that romance is a nonstarter. It is quite another if one person desires romance and feels continually rejected by the other. Extended periods of rejection are toxic to any relationship. The other person may even come to feel like they are in an emotionally abusive situation.
 
This may be a dumb question, but how does your spouse know you’re not “in love” with him? Do you go up to him/her and say “Honey, you’re a perfectly tolerable roommate and coparent, but I feel nothing for you?” Do you refuse to have relations with your spouse?
 
It will be emotionally abusive if I do not attempt to be in love with my spouse? What do you mean by rejection?

Do i have to have my world absolutely crushed every time my spouse restarts the cycle? I honestly feel better now about everything than when i was fully in love. The odds that my spouse will stop doing these things to me cyclically are very, very low. The way I see it, it was emotional abuse and it’s less effective and devastating when I’m not emotionally hung up on the person doing it to me. If my spouse considers the outcome of all this to be emotional abuse on my part and move out… Well…
 
Sometimes I am too emotionally hurt to have sex but no, sex is not off the table and my spouse has access to it. Sometimes i want it just as normal.

My spouse knows my feelings are changing/have changed because after the last major event I just opened up and said it.
 
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Honestly, it sounds like you all need counseling. Being in love is the least of your problems. It is unacceptable for either of you to go on feeling abused. Find a good Catholic or marriage friendly counselor.
 
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I don’t think anything would be better than if i just let myself accept this? I don’t see what I need counseling on.

Okay. Anyway. We have digressed. It’s NOT a sin then, or it is?

Like i said, I’m not looking for advice.
 
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Any chance you guys could ease up on talking about romantic feelings? If you are patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not dishonoring, not self-seeking, not easily angered, and keep no record of wrongs you’re doing pretty well no matter your romantic feelings at the moment. And I do hope you’ll have regular sex with your spouse, because that is important.
 
My spouse has said we can’t licitly have sex unless I’m either in love or actively trying to be in love.

I don’t know how firmly they will stick to that, but i am often not opposed to having sex.
 
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SoggyToast said:
I don’t see what I need counseling on.
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Couples’ counseling. That’s both of you not just one of you.
SoggyToast said:
Okay. Anyway. We have digressed. It’s NOT a sin then, or it is?
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You have said that you feel like you are being emotional abused by your spouse.

I don’t think it is appropriate to talk about actions being sinful or not where abusive behavior is concerned.
 
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