Do I have to tell my girlfriend I cheated on her?

[Lilsheep88]

In my old hedonist form, I committed several acts of adultery behind my girlfriend’s back. But I am truly sorry for what I did and have approached our Lord in complete regret and repentance in humility. This was several confessions ago. Since then, I have been consistent with rosaries, devotions, and the sacraments, and have been a changed man for the better. I know that this is a wake-up call from God to amend my life for the better, and indeed I have been a changed man.

We are not married nor engaged, but I do see my future with her. I feel that if I completely tell her in complete honesty, in complete detail, about what I did, I know for sure that she will resent me and never trust me again (although I have hinted it to her several times). Must I tell her? Or is this confession between just me and God?

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

First things first: If you are not married, you did not commit adultery unless the person with whom you cheated was married. If neither of you are married, then the sexual act was fornication. The sin against your girlfriend was a betrayal of her trust in you.

The priest cannot condition absolution for sin on the penitent’s revealing his sin to a third party. So, no, you cannot be forced to reveal to your girlfriend what you did. But it is a grave injustice to her to hide from her what you did, especially if the two of you are considering marriage. She has the right to know before she agrees to bind herself into lifelong matrimony with you that you already have not been faithful to the relationship and therefore may be incapable (at least at this time) of vowing to the lifelong fidelity sacramental marriage requires. To hide that from her is to deceive her into believing that you are more virtuous and trustworthy than you are and is to betray her again. It could also, perhaps, render any attempt at marriage with her to be presumptively invalid.

For these reasons, I encourage you to be honest with your girlfriend and admit your infidelity (although this does not require “complete detail”; admission that the acts occurred is sufficient). If she ends the relationship, offer up the pain of that break-up to God in penance for your sins. If she wants to continue the relationship, then perhaps the two of you should seek counseling from a Catholic counselor. You can seek either telephone counseling or a referral to a counselor in your area from the Pastoral Solutions Institute, a Catholic counseling apostolate.