Do I speak to my friend about...?

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rayne89

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My best friend lost her sister suddenly last Friday. She actually had a heart attack right in front her while they were at an exercise class together. This sister (I’m going to change names, I’ll call her Lisa) is 20 years her senior and practically raised my best friend. She was the center of the family -hosting all the holidays, helped with all the birthdays ect. She attended every event in my best friend’s life(I’ll call her Lynn). She also was very involved in Lynn’s children’s lives. Was at every school play, every dance recital, every game. I’m giving all this history to show what a huge loss this is for Lynn and her family.

I was speaking with Lynn last night and she related to me something that happened at the funeral home this weekend. We have another mutual life long friend I’ll call Deanne. Deanne came with her family to the funeral home -this includes her husband and her two children a girl age 12 and a boy 9. Lynn relates after Deanne’s family was there a while Deanne’s boy came running through the funeral home and she heard him say “Let’s go look at dead Lisa.” We all understand children don’t understand death like adults and don’t know how to behave at times but instead of correcting her son she Deanne laughed and said “Do you want to go see her?” My friend said it took all of her strength not cause a scene at the funeral home at the level of disrespect Deanne’s son was allowed to show without any correction.

We all love Deanne. But she can be utterly clueless in difficult situations. She went from living a very protective home to marrying and moving into a beautiful home where she is completely provided for her. (Thankfully) she’s never experienced tragedy, never had to struggle and her only losses have been very elderly grandparents.

Lynn will not say anything to Deanne because its not in her personality. But she will stuff it and remember it as a deep hurt for a very long time. I’m struggling as to whether to call Deanne about the incident. I am sure she is completely clueless at the level of pain she caused. She may not even realize Lynn heard her son. I know if it were me I would want to know and have the chance to apologize but I don’t know what the right thing to do here. Any advice?
 
It is already done and cannot be changed. The only thing Deanne could do is to apologize. Do you think that would help? Children sometimes do act spontaneously and you don’t know ahead of time what they will say. Why would Lyn not would understand the situation as do you, that Deanne had a disadvantaged childhood and that her son is just a young boy.
You may even be more upset about it than Lyn is.

Perhaps you could tell Lyn how very sorry you are that such an event occurred. Despite your fears, Lyn may have accepted it for what it is. A child being curious and not yet understanding the impact of death on those around. If you know Deanne well enough maybe you could ask her to say something quietly to the boy. The boy will likely grow out of such things, and by teen years, as detached as many teenagers.

At present you may be suffering over this more than anyone else is.

I hope that your mind can be put at rest soon.
 
Trishie said:
It is already done and cannot be changed. The only thing Deanne could do is to apologize. Do you think that would help? Children sometimes do act spontaneously and you don’t know ahead of time what they will say. Why would Lyn not would understand the situation as do you, that Deanne had a disadvantaged childhood and that her son is just a young boy.
You may even be more upset about it than Lyn is.

Perhaps you could tell Lyn how very sorry you are that such an event occurred. Despite your fears, Lyn may have accepted it for what it is. A child being curious and not yet understanding the impact of death on those around. If you know Deanne well enough maybe you could ask her to say something quietly to the boy. The boy will likely grow out of such things, and by teen years, as detached as many teenagers.

At present you may be suffering over this more than anyone else is.

I hope that your mind can be put at rest soon.
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I do think an apology would help. Deanne, Lynn and I have been close friends for over 25 years, since middle school. Her son is a year older than Deanne’s son . They ride the bus together to school. Lynn told her son (I’ll call him Jake) that (I’ll call Deanne’s son Jordan) that Jordan said something very hurtful about Aunt Lisa at the funeral and that if Jordan talks about Lisa in a “not nice way” they he should tell him to not talk that way and we all love Lisa very much. Jake came home and told Lynn that Jordan didn’t say anything mean about Aunt Lisa. That Jordan’s mom said not to talk to Jake about Lisa.

I can assure you I am not more upset than Lynn. I understand as the one not affected by the comment that Deanne was being clueless and may have been nervous. And I did say to Lynn that Deanne was probably nervous and doesn’t really know what do in these situations. I also know Lynn very well and I know she feels a lot of hurt and anger that Deanne could be so insensitive not to realize that she should have pulled her son aside immediately and talked him about being respectful. Lynn knows the child didn’t know better, she angry that her friend whom she’s knows since she was 12 didn’t know better.
 
As you do have further information than showed in the first post, and there are distressed feelings all around including with the children, then it appears that for friendship’s sake, an apology from Deanne is needed for not intervening. Deanne’s laugh and comment was possibly the most jarring part of what occurred and she is therefore more at fault than the child. Although the child would take behavior cues from his mother, your friend may also require the boy’s apology. How all that should occur is between the people involved.

Perhaps you could advise Deanna to send a carefully written card or note, and you could oversee what she writes in case further difficulty is aroused? You have all the information and you know the people involved, so are best qualified to know how and if you should intervene to try to salvage the friendship and the situation. It is a of course possible that the friendship is too damaged or too fragile, in reality. Extended time is not always an indication of the depth or quality of friendships

I hope that the issue can be resolved kindly and wisely without loss of friendships at a time when friendship is greatly needed.

My prayers
 
Say nothing. But DO something. End all or most of your association with Deanne. She is just being WHO she IS. Don’t have fantasies that you can change her. Let her be. Let her be herself. The person to correct is YOU. What needs to be corrected in you is that you are planning to allow such a person to continue to play a significant role in your life. If you continue to associate with Deanne, you will see that Deanne will continue to be Deanne for the rest of her life, and she will continue to be a part of VERY hurtful things. Also, don’t try to convince Lynn to disassociate from Deanne. Let Lynn be Lynn and do what she things best. If Lynn asks your opinion, okay, you give it. Just remember, there just are TOXIC people in the world, and many of them can be nice, sweet and cheery must of the time. But they are who they are. No one as barbaric as Deanne should have ever been at that funeral. Yet, all things considered, this event with Deanne is really a puny matter. What matters today, what will matter next week, what will matter one year from now, is that Lynn is separated from her beloved sister. Yet, with the grace of God, perhaps Lynn will soon shift from loss to gratitude to God over the reality that she had such a beloved sister for all those years. Many, many people never has such a gift.
 
She’s not being a mom and is afraid of disciplining. Shameful. Just take her aside and tell her if it needs to be said. Sometimes new moms have to be told if they don’t step up to the plate.
 
First of all, prayers for Lynne, it must be a horrible thing to witness your beloved sister’s death. May God give her peace and comfort while she grieves.

It actually falls on Lynne to say something to Deanne. Since you weren’t there, you are going on hearsay. What will you say to Deanne if you talk to her about it? “Lynne told me…” etc. If I were Deanne, I’d say, “Why didn’t Lynne tell me herself instead of telling you?”

The whole thing is awkward. I think it would be best if Lynne could just forget this and move on, knowing that Deanne is just that type of persona and expecting no more from her. The young boy was being careless and thoughtless, and the moment for teaching him was right then, but it passed without the lesson being taught by his mother or anyone else within hearing range. Just running in a funeral home in the first place should be stopped, let alone the very thoughtless and detached comment he made.

Lynne is gossiping about Deanne and her son. You may say that she has cause, but we are to take up our complaints with the person who wronged us, bringing another with us if we need to.
 
Spent the day yesterday with Lynn and her other sisters, then went with Lynn, her daughter and one sister to a grief counseling session at the building where the exercise class was held. Lynn didn’t bring it up again so I think I’m just going to let it go.
 
rayne89 said:
Spent the day yesterday with Lynn and her other sisters, then went with Lynn, her daughter and one sister to a grief counseling session at the building where the exercise class was held. Lynn didn’t bring it up again so I think I’m just going to let it go.
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Good, I hope she has forgotten or forgiven or both, by now.

God bless her in the days ahead.

😦
 
rayne89 said:
Spent the day yesterday with Lynn and her other sisters, then went with Lynn, her daughter and one sister to a grief counseling session at the building where the exercise class was held. Lynn didn’t bring it up again so I think I’m just going to let it go.
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That seems like a good decision. I honestly don’t know how to answer your original question, but I want to offer prayers for your friends and your friend’s sister.
 
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