Do we have a responsibility to financially aid my BIL?

[JadeStarr]

I think that he has a right to pursue his plan but that you have no obligation to support his
family. If God is truly calling him to this lifestyle then God will provide what he needs.

Since you have the resources I think that helping out the children with education would
be a very kind thing to do, however only when the time comes. With our current economic
climate your first obligation, imo, is to your own family and you might need the money yourself in years to come.

Figure out a way to politely say NO, before he asks you. While I support health care for everyone to blatantly make a decision to put your kids on Medicaid doesn’t sound very
in tune with the gospel, that means that you and I will pay for the kids healthcare so I figure that we’re both doing enough for this guy!

 

[smallcat]

What I’m curious about is where this “calling” is coming from.
I’m aware of several Protestant denominations that give out vocational tests to their volunteers. These are not unlike the tests we take in High School to see what we wan to be when we grow up. The major difference being that the church voc. tests tell people where they can be most helpful. It seems, if the person taking them is remotely educated, then they get slated as being “called” to ministry.

Regardless if this is the way your brother was “called”, discernment is key.

I’m curious about where his calling is coming from, too. He doesn’t talk much and he and my DH (his brother) have never been very close, so this seemed to us like it came out of left field. He has spent some time in conversation with his pastor, who has been encouraging him toward the seminary track, but the pastor doesn’t know anything about the financial burden he would need to bear in order to make this happen. I’m afraid the “calling” is simply a way to do something different from his old job, something fulfililng, but I don’t really know how to broach the topic with him without seeming like I’m questioning his ability to discern. He seems like he has so convinced himself that this is the right thing to do- he says the puzzle pieces are falling into place, he’s understanding now what God has in store for him… I guess at this point I should just back off, huh? Let his family make their own decisions and limit our assistance to the kids and their needs, as they might arise. It’s so hard to watch someone close do something foolish, though.

 

[Musician]

I think your BIL should live with the consequences of his choices.
I never help my sister anymore because she is so irresponsible, but occasionally I do things for my nieces, like buying school clothes, etc. Just not a lot.

 

[JadeStarr]

I think that’s very kind of you, Musician.

 

[smallcat]

Just a quick update: My brother in law graduated last year, but with difficulty. He failed his oral comprehensive exams the first time and passed on the second try but because of this has to do a mandatory one year internship with a mentor before he can look for full-time employment. I don’t understand the whole process, honestly. He and his family (wife and 3 kids) are now living on the west coast, far away from the rest of our family. Thankfully, this internship provides him with housing and health insurance as well as a very modest salary ($15K/year). Because of his loans that have now come due (~$80K), however, and difficulty selling his house (they will likely need to sell for less than what they owe on the mortgage), they are in serious financial difficulty. His current congregation has been very generous, offering lots in the way of meal assistance, especially when they first moved, extra groceries, and the like, which have helped them get through.

My parents-in-law (BIL’s mom and stepdad, their dad died a few years ago) have sent a couple hundred dollars to help them out, which is really about all they can afford, as they are elderly and disabled themselves, living on a fixed income. They had been homeschooling during seminary, but the congregation he is doing his internship with also generously offered to pay for the children to attend the parish school. My hubby encouraged his brother to take them up on the offer and consider having the wife try to find some part-time work during that time to help offset the expenses. Without much explanation, they have rejected this option.

Over the last few years, we have helped the kids with clothes, music lessons, and the like but haven’t provided any direct financial support to the family. We have offered to help pay for some of the costs of selling the house they currently have, but they still have not found a buyer. I still struggle with how much we should help financially, how much we are called to do to help them and how much is enabling bad choices. Thank you for your prayers.

 

[1ke]

you can also help him by providing information, such as links to the government’s student loan website, NSLDS. There he can look at different payment options including income based repayment, income contingent repayment, and pay as you earn. His payment could be as low as $0 depending on his income and # of dependents. This is if he has government loans (Direct or FFEL).

 

[Pax2u]

I would absolutely not finance he and his wife’s bad decision. He has the means to take care of his family, and instead chooses to let the government (i.e. US) support him and his family because he is bored at his job and thinks he’ll like something else better.

I agree with those who said do things for the kids…school clothes, birthday and Christmas gifts, etc. Maybe an occasional grocery gift card.

I put it in the same category as enabling a drinker or other addict…it is never a good idea to enable bad behavior.

 

[Gullveig]

No opinion on whether you should help him with this or not (I wouldn’t, but that’s just me), but isn’t there some way he could combine the education he already has in a ministerial role of some sort? There’s got to be some sort of Christian charity or ministry or non-profit somewhere that needs a business manager type thing. Caveat: I know nothing about how churches are run, so I’m guessing here. Maybe he could try something like that first and then see how things are in 2-3 years?

 

[EasterJoy]

And, FWIW, my DH has already talked to him, explained his concerns, and expressed that he thinks this is not the best use of BIL’s time or money. BIL says he feels “called” to this and doesn’t want to worry about money- that will take care of itself, he believes, if he is following God’s will.

There you are…if a man is on the roof of his house, surrounded by flood waters, and waves you and your boat off because “God will take care of me”, you let that be between him and God, and go see if there is anyone else you can help.

It is very nice of you to help the children with music lessons and such things, by the way. Were you my aunt and uncle, I would be eternally grateful for that!