Do you ever get away without the kids? Is it a good or bad idea?

[mcc804]

TheRealJulianne:

Yes it is traumatic. I think that it would be traumatic regardless of date nights with husband or learning to paint or work a job for pay. The only difference is that you would have these distractions or responsibilities with which to focus your attention. But you’d still feel it.

I don’t think there’s anything an involved mother can do to really mitigate the pain of an end of a way of life. In fact, as it is a way of “life” there is a very real “death” when it all comes to an end. There is mourning. And whether or not a woman takes weekend vacation with her husband or not, there will be pain to work through.

But like everything else … you have to work through your ego and accept the pain and move on. And if you’re fortunate, your children will someday marry and have grandchildren and live close enough that you can be in their lives to some degree.

My hope and prayer is that our children don’t move thousands of miles away like their grandparents have. It would be doubly painful to spend our older years pining away for grandchildren we don’t know and never see.

 

[Eliza10]

I never left my son, but I had only one, with no siblings. I would have had to have a really good reason to. Sounds like you have one! Much better reason than a terrible illness of someones. You have a happy good reason. The 8 year old is plenty old enough to not suffer damage and that he has all his siblings makes it even better. You could reward your kids when you come back with a happy whole-family outing! And also little presents to show them you thought of them.

 

[maryjk]

Oh come on, you know the answer to that! The biggest “emergency” was they couldn’t all agree on what to watch on tv! 80% of the time it’s “when will you be home?” then 20 minutes later, “when will you be home??”

Here’s your solution to the calling from the kids.

Tell them beforehand that they MUST NOT call for anything but an emergency, and if they do call for anything but an emergency then they are grounded for a week. Always works.

(Of course you can adapt this to: no candy, no video games, no tv, no this or that for ___ amount of time, based on what the child really wants to not lose.)

My solution would be to have an adult stay with them and take their phones away.

That way they CAN’T call. An adult wouldn’t call to see what they should watch on TV.

Heck, if you lived around me, I would volunteer to do it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

TheRealJulianne:

Yes it is traumatic. I think that it would be traumatic regardless of date nights with husband or learning to paint or work a job for pay. The only difference is that you would have these distractions or responsibilities with which to focus your attention. But you’d still feel it.

I don’t think there’s anything an involved mother can do to really mitigate the pain of an end of a way of life. In fact, as it is a way of “life” there is a very real “death” when it all comes to an end. There is mourning. And whether or not a woman takes weekend vacation with her husband or not, there will be pain to work through.

But like everything else … you have to work through your ego and accept the pain and move on. And if you’re fortunate, your children will someday marry and have grandchildren and live close enough that you can be in their lives to some degree.

My hope and prayer is that our children don’t move thousands of miles away like their grandparents have. It would be doubly painful to spend our older years pining away for grandchildren we don’t know and never see.

100% agree. I’m living it right now. and so is hubby, although he still has his career to absorb his energy. I’m afraid if the kids move away, we might just have to chase them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh come on, you know the answer to that! The biggest “emergency” was they couldn’t all agree on what to watch on tv! 80% of the time it’s “when will you be home?” then 20 minutes later, “when will you be home??”

We have 13 year olds, and they don’t want a “sitter”. The deal is that if we don’t get a call when it’s not needed and we don’t fail to get a call when it is–no dealing with broken pipes or medical emergencies by yourselves, guys!–then they don’t have to have a sitter. If you make this the rule, the oldest kids will sit on the youngest for the entire time if they have to, but you are unlikely to get an unnecessary phone call.

When I was 13 and being the sitter for my four-year-old brother, my parents also gave me plenty of ways to bribe him–treats he only got when Mom and Dad went out. It pays to make your time out with your spouse something that the kids look forward to. Before you know it, they will be pestering your wife to please get herself out of the house with you, so they can order pizza delivered to the door and dig into the dessert that they would otherwise have to share with their relatives at family get-togethers.

Oh, and reward the older ones, if the job is well-done. Money well-spent!

 

[arkansasjo]

I encourage you to go! Start with several hours, work up to a full day and night, and then stretch it out to a weekend or more. My husband and I have 7 children (ages 8 to 22). I hear you with your busy schedule! We own our own business, and I am in school getting my second bachelors in theology. The kids are extremely active, but they have to help out at home, too. We have tried to get away at least once a year for an overnight or more (even when I was breastfeeding…I would just pump extra!). It has been wonderful for our marriage. Sometimes we go visit places and sightsee, sometimes we just go and hang out in a hotel room! These times together have been essential for helping us remember why we got married and have this big family in the first place!! God bless you!
Arkansasjo

 

[Kit15]

We do. DH and I prefer to take more long weekends out of town rather than a week-long vacation. Our baby does do a lot of traveling with us but sometimes the trip is too far or the company is too grown-up and she’d have no fun.

But I’m very blessed to have a great relationship with my mom and my parenting style is very similar to how her’s was. I miss my baby so much when I leave her with her Grammy but I don’t feel guilty about it. There’s no one else I trust more with her than my mom.

In spite of that it is so difficult to say goodbye. It’s really hard even if we’re just going to the movies. I can’t imagine being able to do it if I didn’t have family that live nearby.

My parents took us everywhere. But we spent our early childhoods living hours and hours away from the nearest relative. It was a *very *long time before they felt comfortable doing date nights never mind a vacation because there was always an infant around and they really didn’t trust non-family with a demanding infant. Since we moved back to live closer to our extended family they have gone on a few trips and long weekends by themselves. Now that we’re all older and don’t need constant supervision, vacations can be relaxing again. We still join them on more vacations than we don’t. They even took us along for their 25th wedding anniversary trip.

I think those first few years of parenthood are the reason why they are so eager to help *us *find some time. They’ve been there.

 

[jsimm]

Thanks everyone for your invaluable (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m afraid things just won’t change though. We had a long “discussion” about this this morning. She found an HOUR to argue about how we don’t have time to spend 15 minutes a day reconnecting. I put aside going away anywhere and have been asking to try to commit to 15 minutes a day of alone time without the kids interrupting. In her mind this is ‘selfish.’ I tried to explain how the whole family benefits from this. She said she “doesn’t want to take away from the family unit” and we’ll have plenty of time for that in her “next phase of life in 10 years.” Actually she ramped up the time we should be spending with the kids – she had a problem that I sometimes I don’t spend all night with the kids watching tv or whatever they are doing. If the kids choose to spend an hour watching “Full House” on tv, I better be sitting in the living room watching with them – not on the computer, not reading, not working but doing what they are doing.

I’m also selfish because I’m never satisfied, first I wanted 2 hours of date night a week, then that’s not enough and I want 15 minutes of attention a day, and that’s not enough I even want to spend a day, maybe two together without the kids – I’m never satisfied, I just get a little and I get more selfish and want more, more, more…

So, thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but it looks like it will be this way for a while. I’m already concerned for my daughters, they’ve said they want children but don’t see the point of having a husband! I told her they feel that way because they don’t see their mother interacting or having fun with their father. If they saw that we are best friends and spend time together and go away and come back relaxed, maybe they’d look up to that. She said, no it’s just that I don’t spend enough time with them so they figure what do they need a man for.

 

[Paul_Rockland]

My wife and I can get out occasionally because the kids are old enough to manage themselves for some time . Very happy to be able to !

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks everyone for your invaluable (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m afraid things just won’t change though. We had a long “discussion” about this this morning. She found an HOUR to argue about how we don’t have time to spend 15 minutes a day reconnecting. I put aside going away anywhere and have been asking to try to commit to 15 minutes a day of alone time without the kids interrupting. In her mind this is ‘selfish.’ I tried to explain how the whole family benefits from this. She said she “doesn’t want to take away from the family unit” and we’ll have plenty of time for that in her “next phase of life in 10 years.” Actually she ramped up the time we should be spending with the kids – she had a problem that I sometimes I don’t spend all night with the kids watching tv or whatever they are doing. If the kids choose to spend an hour watching “Full House” on tv, I better be sitting in the living room watching with them – not on the computer, not reading, not working but doing what they are doing.

I’m also selfish because I’m never satisfied, first I wanted 2 hours of date night a week, then that’s not enough and I want 15 minutes of attention a day, and that’s not enough I even want to spend a day, maybe two together without the kids – I’m never satisfied, I just get a little and I get more selfish and want more, more, more…

So, thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but it looks like it will be this way for a while. I’m already concerned for my daughters, they’ve said they want children but don’t see the point of having a husband! I told her they feel that way because they don’t see their mother interacting or having fun with their father. If they saw that we are best friends and spend time together and go away and come back relaxed, maybe they’d look up to that. She said, no it’s just that I don’t spend enough time with them so they figure what do they need a man for.

Au contraire! Children who do not learn how to wait become self-centered, not children who are taught the obvious falsehood that parents whose lives do not revolve around their children are self-centered. (Notice that the Ten Commandments include a positive command to honor your parents, while that there is none that require hovering over your children.)

And no, no, no…you want her to stop being needed and to let herself need you as a wife naturally needs to have a husband for 15 minutes a day. If she says she doesn’t need your attention, that is pride, and it is a hurtful thing for a wife to say to her husband, besides. When your wife heard that her daughters didn’t see any point in having a husband (!!!) that should have been her first clue that she was not scoring an “A” in every phase of child-rearing!! Honestly, I can’t believe that hearing such a comment did not scald her conscience!

I would not be so quick to give up on this. This is about your welfare and the welfare of your children, and your wife does not have the only vote. On your wedding day, after all, she promised “I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” What, exactly, did she mean when she promised you that? Did she mean that she reserved the right to deny you so much as 15 minutes of her attention in an entire day?* Really*?

Let her go re-read those vows: she said all the days of her life. There isn’t a clause giving her 20 or 25 years off so she can concentrate on her children and put loving and honoring her husband on hold. That is no way to model what marriage is to a child!

I think if you enlist the help of your pastor, your wife might be brought to realize that you are not only not selfish, but are advocating for a positive good for your children. A Marriage Encounter Weekend might have the same effect. She may not change her mind, but it will only be because she is overruling both the needs of her husband and the advice of her pastor in order to do what she wants. She ought not give herself any kudos for that.

Again, I say this as a child raised in a community full of SAHMs who were raising eight, ten, and even 16 children. They did not tell their husbands that Dad could just wait ten years for attention. The fathers of those families had a place of honor, the mothers had a place of honor, the children knew it, and it only made the children honor their parents all the more that the parents had the good sense to unfailingly honor each other above all others, including the children. You can’t teach the 4th Commandment as well any other way.

 

[newlywed8]

Thanks everyone for your invaluable (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m afraid things just won’t change though. We had a long “discussion” about this this morning. She found an HOUR to argue about how we don’t have time to spend 15 minutes a day reconnecting. I put aside going away anywhere and have been asking to try to commit to 15 minutes a day of alone time without the kids interrupting. In her mind this is ‘selfish.’ I tried to explain how the whole family benefits from this. She said she “doesn’t want to take away from the family unit” and we’ll have plenty of time for that in her “next phase of life in 10 years.” Actually she ramped up the time we should be spending with the kids – she had a problem that I sometimes I don’t spend all night with the kids watching tv or whatever they are doing. If the kids choose to spend an hour watching “Full House” on tv, I better be sitting in the living room watching with them – not on the computer, not reading, not working but doing what they are doing.

I’m also selfish because I’m never satisfied, first I wanted 2 hours of date night a week, then that’s not enough and I want 15 minutes of attention a day, and that’s not enough I even want to spend a day, maybe two together without the kids – I’m never satisfied, I just get a little and I get more selfish and want more, more, more…

So, thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but it looks like it will be this way for a while. I’m already concerned for my daughters, they’ve said they want children but don’t see the point of having a husband! I told her they feel that way because they don’t see their mother interacting or having fun with their father. If they saw that we are best friends and spend time together and go away and come back relaxed, maybe they’d look up to that. She said, no it’s just that I don’t spend enough time with them so they figure what do they need a man for.

I am so sorry you guys are having such trouble resolving the issue. Remember, the best gift you can give your children and the most reliable predictor for their success is to have a solid marriage.

About your wife’s perspective:
What is your family life like on a regular basis? Is it largely, everyone comes home from school/work then has dinner then just sits and watches TV with you in the other room on the computer? I can see where the disconnect is coming in if that is the case. You feel neglected because you do not get a chance to spend any time with your wife (true) and she feels like the family is not spending enough quality time together (also true).

Try to meet your wife half way. For example, organize a family game night where everyone plays a game like Scrabble, Hearts, Monopoly, or whatever else you have. Pop some popcorn and have fun. Or once a week have a ‘family date’ where you go hiking, fishing, or even just to a movie all together. Even with little ones, these activities should be manageable, especially as it starts to warm up. As a bonus, you probably will also find them must more stress relieving and enjoyable than you would imagine, and it can help you get to know your kids on a deeper level. And spending quality family time together IS important. Fathers model for their daughters what to look for in men, so it is always best to have a good relationship with them. Fathers teach sons how men treat women, as well. If your daughters are questioning the purpose of a man then it probably is partially because they do not see you having a strong relationship with their mother, but also because they do not feel like they have a strong relationship with you.

In exchange, though, after this has become an established routine ask your wife to either have in-laws come down for a weekend or have the kids go see grandparents for a weekend so you can have a night or two to yourselves. She will most likely be much more open to it when she sees you making an effort to have quality family time.

 

[Wackotrad]

I wouldn’t just let this issue drop. Keep pushing (gently) for some time away. Your wife might just need time to get used to the idea.

 

[jsimm]

What is your family life like on a regular basis? Is it largely, everyone comes home from school/work then has dinner then just sits and watches TV with you in the other room on the computer? I can see where the disconnect is coming in if that is the case. .

Thanks for the suggestions. We homeschool the kids. I’m in my own business. I usually work from home for a few hours in the morning, then I go to the office. She’s home all day with the kids. I come home usually spend time with them: going running, going to scouts, helping with projects. When the weather is warmer I jog with them, I took a week off from work last summer to spend at scout camp with my 16 year old son, I plan on doing that with him and the girls this summer, we go hiking, we go to parks, we ride our bikes together several times a week. Normally we are ALL doing something together every night – obviously in the cold winter months there’s more inside time or more time just taking them to basketball practice and watching their games. Last night I played cards with 2 of my daughters and for some reason my wife said it’s because I wanted to “show off” what a great dad I am when I’m really not. Most people – neighbors, friends – say they see me spending more time with my kids than almost any dad. So I really dont’ think that’s the question but again, today, she told me I don’t spend enough time with them. But it’s okay to spend NO time with her??

 

[newlywed8]

Assuming you are telling the truth (and I only say that because your wife is not here to tell her side, although I have no reason to disbelieve you) it sounds as though there is some underlying issue here.

Two possibilities come to mind. What was your wife’s childhood like? Did she feel neglected by her parents? Did they frequently fly off to Europe and leave the kids behind for weeks on end or did she have any other reason to feel as though they did not spend quality time together? Did she have a poor relationship with her dad?

The second would be - are there any underlying issues between you and her? Assuming the above issue is not a problem, it seems as though she is almost using the kids as a buffer between you two. Were there ever any marital problems that got shoved under the rug when the kids began to arrive? Aside from this issue, are there other issues that she could be avoiding? Question for you to consider (you don’t need to answer) how is your intimate life? Do you still act like husband and wife or are you largely living parallel lives like roommates?

Honestly, I recommend speaking with a priest. You can go yourself after work and get his opinion and then see if the three of you can sit down together and sort this out. You are feeling neglected, and that is only going to breed resentment. Resentment is poison for marriages, and it is very easy to inadvertedly take the resentment out on the kids, even though you will not mean to. It may also be a good idea to get your wife the book “The Five Love Languages”. One of the love languages is ‘quality time’. Your wife needs to understand how neglected you feel.

 

[lax16]

Thanks everyone for your invaluable (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m afraid things just won’t change though. We had a long “discussion” about this this morning. She found an HOUR to argue about how we don’t have time to spend 15 minutes a day reconnecting. I put aside going away anywhere and have been asking to try to commit to 15 minutes a day of alone time without the kids interrupting. In her mind this is ‘selfish.’ I tried to explain how the whole family benefits from this. She said she “doesn’t want to take away from the family unit” and we’ll have plenty of time for that in her “next phase of life in 10 years.” Actually she ramped up the time we should be spending with the kids – she had a problem that I sometimes I don’t spend all night with the kids watching tv or whatever they are doing. If the kids choose to spend an hour watching “Full House” on tv, I better be sitting in the living room watching with them – not on the computer, not reading, not working but doing what they are doing.

I’m also selfish because I’m never satisfied, first I wanted 2 hours of date night a week, then that’s not enough and I want 15 minutes of attention a day, and that’s not enough I even want to spend a day, maybe two together without the kids – I’m never satisfied, I just get a little and I get more selfish and want more, more, more…

So, thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but it looks like it will be this way for a while. I’m already concerned for my daughters, they’ve said they want children but don’t see the point of having a husband! I told her they feel that way because they don’t see their mother interacting or having fun with their father. If they saw that we are best friends and spend time together and go away and come back relaxed, maybe they’d look up to that. She said, no it’s just that I don’t spend enough time with them so they figure what do they need a man for.

Some of us moms have a hard time … well, relaxing. We run our homes and children like clockwork and it is really hard to let go!

First of all, thanks to you and your wife for bringing these children into the world AND for taking care of them. So many people are not doing that and you will benefit in your later years.

On the other hand, I agree it is necessary to get away once in a while. My husband will take me out to dinner, maybe a quick errand to the store, and surprise! local motel. We are home before the kids barely notice we have been gone.

You are right to be concerned about daughters seeing men as useful. Maybe being more assertive will fix this with your wife* and* your daughters. My husband will put his foot down every now and then and the kids like it… and so do I.

 

[PaulGH]

My wife and I have 5 kids ages 8 to 16. Needless to say they keep us extremely busy. We’re running to sports practices, scouts, etc most nights after I get home from work. That generally leaves us with very little time together. After almost 20 years we’ve been to Retrovaille and counseling and now TRY to get 2 hours out of the house together once a week. We’ve never even done this much without the kids for the past 16 years and I feel it kinda shows in our relationship. We’ve learned – or were told – by counselors that the marriage has to come first and that we need to make time to be together and reconnect once in a while.

I thought it might be helpful (as counselors have suggested) to get away together for a weekend – maybe even a long weekend – once in a while. Maybe only once a year. She says that NO ONE does that and the ONLY couple she knows that’s ever gone away together have the WORST marriage out of all her friends. At this point, I realize it may be too little, too late but I would still like to see if I’m way off base on this and the counselors are wrong or if people in good marriage actually DO get away and do things without the kids once in a while.

I realize, as you do, that it may be hard with 5 kids. But certainly not impossible. We went to Retrovaille weekend and they said we MUST stay at the hotel for the weekend and weren’t allowed to go home. We made arrangements for the kids and did it. So it’s not totally impossible. But is it just impractical or even a downright BAD idea??

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut

Yes, I think that a husband and a wife very much need to get away for a relaxing weekend without the kids once in a while, for the good of their marriage, and frankly for their sanity. My wife and I try to take a long weekend trip like that at least once a year, usually around our anniversary, though sometimes we do skip a year. The kids stay with my parents, and they have a great time. (If we have a breastfeeding infant at the time, then he goes with us, but otherwise it’s just my wife and I.)

Usually we stay at a nice cabin in the mountains for a couple of nights, and just have a relaxing, romantic weekend. We don’t try to get out and do a lot of activities while we are there – mainly we just try to relax and enjoy each others’ company.

Also, date nights without the kids are great too, and you can probably do those more often, since you only need to get a babysitter for a few hours rather than for a whole weekend.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

I don’t have kids yet, but God first, spouse second, kids third.

 

[PaulGH]

I don’t have kids yet, but God first, spouse second, kids third.

Exactly. And it’s hard for a husband and a wife to be good parents if they neglect the health of their marriage.

 

[mary_bobo]

The only thing I can offer is to remember that the time will come when the kids are on their own (hopefully and thank goodness) and then you will be alone. Better you take care of the couple aspect before its all you have. It’s well worth the investment.