Do you feel marginalized?

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Cecilia88

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About a year ago I was in same sex relationships with zero interest in God or religion. I had a dramatic conversion which led me first to Protestantism with an eventual conversion to Catholicism. I was raised in the church, but my faith was never my own, rather it was forced upon me. I am not sure if I am feeling as though I am on the fringes because I am nervous to be honest about my past, or if there legitimately is not a place for me. I have fought against my same sex attractions and thrown myself into my faith life since my conversion, but I have yet to find a community I truly feel comfortable in. I sense that some of my Catholic peers also experience same sex attraction, but it is a topic no one talks about. I am waiting to hear back from the local chapter of Courage in my area - that seems to be the only resource pertinent to my experience. Have any other converts dealt with this feeling? Are you open with your struggles? I also suffer from mental illness and have a hard time in new environments, but force myself into them in hopes that I will eventually find friends who I can truly be myself with. Also, I am aware of the argument that we should identify with our identity in Christ, not with our attractions. I just feel as though a little more transparency in this area might be helpful.
 
Everyone has their cross to carry. The Church provides moral support and guidelines to help our fallen state. Humanity is subject to afflictions like all life on this planet. But together we’ll build the city of God and finish the race! “Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another”😁
 
We all have things we were or did , pre turning to God. I am a totally different person then I was just a little over 12 mths ago. I won’t be running around telling others about it.

But, this is a big thing, because I can identify with people who might be as I was, I know to use compassion and invite them in . You will have a wonderful insight into the struggles of SSA that I never will. You can identify and relate to others experiencing the same issues.

SS A in itself is no sin. It’s the breaking of chastity as a single, the thoughts of lust entertained as a single etc, that are breaking the Commandments of God.

If you choose not to marry as ordered by God - male and female, Well then you must practice single chastity.

God Bless you

🕊️🌹🙏
 
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I found this video to be very helpful. Thank you all for your responses, insights, and prayers.
 
I think reading St. Augustine’s Confessions would be a good read for you.
 
Cecelia, I agree with you that this is a problem. I have same-sex attraction too, and there are many of us, even if we’re a bit hard to find. Have you heard of the blog Spiritual Friendship? It’s ecumenical, but the people there have a lot of interesting things to say. Courage is a good group too. Neither Spiritual Friendship nor Courage are perfect, but the Church on Earth is always a work in progress. Don’t lose hope for finding a community in which you can talk about these things openly without feeling like you’re a weirdo or an alien.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
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po18guy:
One sad aspect of same sex attraction us a pressing need for validation.
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This is phenomenally insensitive, as a response to the above post. What on Earth?

The poster says she feels not welcomed in the Church, and you imply that she’s just another gay person who needs “validation”? Get a clue.
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At the same time, I am one who will shy away from conversations involving sexuality even among my female peers. I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want to know about it. I am very comfortable talking about sexual feelings with my husband, and my husband only.

Its fine to listen to who my friend is attracted to, but I don’t want to know why.

I guess, I feel, like much of the sexuality brought up is totally unnecessary.

But I can see how this would hurt the OP. She wants to be accepted for who she is…attractions and all.

And I’d never mean to hurt someone–but I would make it clear that nope—not going to talk about it. Just like I wouldn’t talk to my single friend about some guys hot butt. I just don’t like it. I think it’s totally out of place in our society when we feel it’s appropriate to make sexual comments on people we are attracted to, no matter the gender.

And I think those who already feel some degree of shame about their sexual attractions can feel even more hurt by this line that I, and many others, draw.

I do think that the need to talk about one’s sexuality is a new and incredibly pervasive thing. I hated it in college, I still hate it now. Gay or straight.

So I’m not sure where the OP could best talk about her feelings and struggles. I know where my limits as a friend are, and I feel bad that those limits would not be ones that would offer her the support that she wants. But I’d happily be her friend. I’d love to chat about crafting or kayaking or hiking or geocaching or writing or a million other things that I’m interested in and others are interested in, too.

I do think she could find a community of people who do relate and do want to talk about those struggles, however, and it is not a bad thing at all.
 
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I don’t think she was talking about chatting about the women she’s attracted to. She was talking about being able to talk about her having an experience that is very isolating – being attracted to the same sex. That has nothing to do with sex, really. It’s like being able to talk to someone about being left-handed – or, if you like – being autistic or being an alcoholic.

Jesus talked about bringing things into the light. He didn’t mean we should bring our messy individual attractions into the light (“Wow, he/she is such a hottie” and such). No, he meant we should bring those experiences and sins that isolate us into the light. And if anyone in the Church finds that uncomfortable, that is their problem. The light is good.
 
And frankly, on this topic, I don’t think a straight person can understand unless they’ve shared life very closely with a person who is gay or bisexual. My wife gets it, but she understands why other people don’t. She helps me understand that.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
I don’t think she was talking about chatting about the women she’s attracted to. She was talking about being able to talk about her having an experience that is very isolating – being attracted to the same sex. That has nothing to do with sex, really. It’s like being able to talk to someone about being left-handed – or, if you like – being autistic or being an alcoholic.

Jesus talked about bringing things into the light. He didn’t mean we should bring our messy individual attractions into the light (“Wow, he/she is such a hottie” and such). No, he meant we should bring those experiences and sins that isolate us into the light. And if anyone in the Church finds that uncomfortable, that is their problem. The light is good.
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There’s nothing wrong, however, with not wanting to hear about who someone thinks is hot?

Why should there be? Why should I have to change my preference for “no sex talk” because it might make those with SSA feel as if I’m rejecting them? I’m not.

I think this is very frustrating because it takes away a valid opinion on the matter…I just don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear about the NFP escapades of my friend, either. Just no.

She may feel isolated, too, because she wants to talk about just how hard it is to do NFP when your husbands so hot. But I don’t.

It’s not wrong to find a group of autistics, or left-handers or alcoholics or even NFP’ers to talk with. But it would be foolish to reject a friend as being a “bad Catholic” or “isolating” or “shaming” because they didn’t want to talk about a subject.

I’m an equal opportunity discriminator. Don’t want to hear details about any sexual feelings, gay or straight. Your argument is that we need to be more comfortable with these feelings because it’s “not about us”. But in a sense, our spirituality IS about us. Decisions we make on what kind of conversations are healthy for our mental and spiritual states are highly dependant on the individual and should not be governed by attempts to cover all.

If someone, unlike me, is open to those sorts of conversations where one shares sexual thoughts—by all means–they should be willing to listen to all sides. But to make it sound like one is particularly insensitive or not “in the light” is callus to individual choices that are incredibly legitimate.

And I do think that one can be a good friend without discussing information regarding sexual intamcies. Heck, I’ve never met one of my mommy friend’s husbands. I don’t even know if he’s a man…I mean, I think he is but I don’t know for sure (Here husband and wife are non-gendered terms) Yet we really do have a good friendship.
 
I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t saying gay people should run roughshod and talk about who they’re attracted to, if you don’t want to hear it. Talking about being gay ISN’T talking about who you’re attracted to, no more than talking about wanting to get married is talking about who has a cute butt. If you don’t get that, you need to talk to more gay people, and really listen to what they say.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t saying gay people should run roughshod and talk about who they’re attracted to, if you don’t want to hear it. Talking about being gay ISN’T talking about who you’re attracted to, no more than talking about wanting to get married is talking about who has a cute butt. If you don’t get that, you need to talk to more gay people, and really listen to what they say.
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The OP expressed wanting to be able to talk about her feelings.

I’m expressing my opinion that I would be a good friend, but I don’t have that type of conversation.

I do know “gay people” and I know that they aren’t 100% about their sexuality. I worked with many. I appreciate those people who keep it to themselves like I do with straight people. One was my mentor of sorts and I constantly came to him for advice about my job. We were friendly, and he was very kind in teaching me the ropes. Great guy. Work with him again in a heartbeat. I’d invite him to my house. I had another gay co-worker who constantly blathered on and on about getting a boyfriend and finding a boyfriend and UGGG. I stayed clear of him (and quite frankly my other female co-worker who did the same). SO glad I no longer work with him.

However, some people both gay and straight, have a legitimate need to talk about things that they are dealing with that not everyone may be able to handle.

My point is that not desiring to listen to that information does not make one a bad friend.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
My point is that not desiring to listen to that information does not make one a bad friend.
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And my point is that expressing to a group of people that you’re attracted to the same sex (or that you “struggle with same-sex attraction”) is not something that anyone within that group can rightfully complain about.

Talking about having the hots for someone IS something anyone within the group can rightfully complain about.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
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Xanthippe_Voorhees:
My point is that not desiring to listen to that information does not make one a bad friend.
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And my point is that expressing to a group of people that you’re attracted to the same sex (or that you “struggle with same-sex attraction”) is not something that anyone within that group can rightfully complain about.

Talking about having the hots for someone IS something anyone within the group can rightfully complain about.
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One sentence and move on? Fine, no harm there.

Anything more. Nope.
 
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Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
One sentence and move on? Fine, no harm there.

Anything more. Nope.
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What if the second sentence is “This makes me feel really alone and isolated, and I feel like no one will love me if I say anything about it”? And what if the third sentence is, “I don’t want to bore you with the details of my fantasy life, but there are some unique challenges I face in a society that encourages everything gay, as a person who is morally opposed to gay relationships”?
 
My answer, “Hey, I’m still your friend. I really don’t talk about romatic relationship issues regardless but I’d be happy to go geochaching/crochet/kayak whatever with you.”

Same answer if someone is talking about NFP or contraceptives.
 
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Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I appreciate hearing everyone’s feelings on this topic. It helps me to better navigate similar situations in the future in a considerate way. I especially appreciate your responses ProdigalSon. They were extremely pastoral and help me to feel seen and my feelings validated. No one is obligated to do this, of course. But I do feel as though you responded as Jesus would. I do respect everyone who does not feel comfortable talking about relationships with friends. I’m sorry that I could not respond to everyone individually; it’s difficult as I am on my phone. I will look into St. Augustine.
 
Cecilia88 I have a friend with a connection who feels the same isolation for similar reasons, a long-term–ss relationship that ended with the friend’s connection, who is a young woman who has decided to convert to Catholicism an is feeling as you do and not finding there is much out there in the Catholic world to help.
I’l see if I can contact them for you so you girls can at least correspond and feel less isolated, at least.
Bur you’re not alone dear Cecilia88, and you’re very courageous.

Love and prayer for you.
 
I do wish there’s some sort of transparency too. The people I meet are either pro gay marriage or they act weirdly towards the LGBT community. I’m guessing people are still uncomfortable with talking about homosexuality as openly as other topics.

There are chaste catholics who are in the same shoes, I’m on Tumblr and I follow some of them, and they’re quite open about their sexuality (ie they openly accept their sexuality but still follow the Church’s teachings). You could reach out to people like them for friendships or advice. I think younger Catholics are more transparent with this issue and things will get better imo, so I do feel like you will eventually have fulfilling friendships.
 
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