Do you have to have sex to get married?

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ihaveqs

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I (19 f) am asexual and to be honest, the idea of sex kind of freaks me out. I want to adopt children. I want to get married, but I don’t want to have sex.

I keep thinking about my future and worrying. What should I do?
 
The man and woman must be able to have normal marital relations. If they both agree, under spiritual direction, they may enter a Josephite Marriage. However, if one spouse desires to end that arrangement, it is sinful for the other spouse to deny their reasonable request.

Are you currently under the direction of a Catholic SD?
 
ihaveqs said:
What should I do?
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Talk to a therapist. You need help to work through your fear and anxiety and also see your doctor to see if you have endocrine issues. You should rule out or treat physical and psychological issues.

Marriage is the one flesh union of man and woman. Yes you must be willing and able to have sexual relations.

Many people may bring up Josephite marriage— that is not for people who don’t want or fear sex. That is for people who feel called marriage but to a specific way of marriage for a time or indefinitely, and should only be undertaken with spiritual direction AND with the knowledge and agreement to take up the conjugal life should either spouse decide they want that.
 
1ke said:
Many people may bring up Josephite marriage— that is not for people who don’t want or fear sex.
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This!!! Recently there were a number of threads where people ask for this because they fear a sexual relationship/aren´t sexually attracted to a future spouse. Not the best recipe for a good marriage.
 
At nineteen years old, you are very young, and it can be normal to fear sex. You will have plenty time to grow, mature, and perhaps see the things differently. And also maybe fall in love.

Presently, it is possible, and even completely normal to not want to have sex if you have nobody with you wish to have it.

Things can change is you met someone that you will want to marry.
It is possible that sex will not stay something that you will desired much, but there is a world between “never” and “yes, but only holly, will not turn myself to total decomplexion and want it all time”.

You can have an happy marriage, but if you plan to marry someone, and still feel a low sex interested, you should make sure that the person will not be too much interested, because it can create untenable tensions on the marriage.
 
Yes, it is true. There are too many very youngs people here that clain “asexuality” recently for being possible. Or, the forum is a complete extrapolation of the real world.

It is normal for a young person, especially with a catholic faith to have fear for something so precious and that can bring a new life. It is not said that it is for life, or they will never been marriade someday, or if, the marriage will never be consummated.
 
I’d probably sit on this and mull for a while since certainly, feelings can change or solidify and since you are still young, it may a few years even to feel more certain. Ultimately though, you know your desires and if the feelings persist, it’s totally possible to find other Ace person. Do you feel like you are Ace or Aromantic? Have you had a relationship of any kind?

I know a lot of people in the Ace community who have chosen to form a family for companionship, support or raising children together without any physical component. It’s been really successful for almost all of them.

You could also read up on mixed-orientation marriage but that has its own complications and challenges.
 
The primary purpose of marriage is the procreation and education of children. A marriage can be valid without marital relations, but this is not the ordinary case. And if the main reason for choosing a marriage without marital relations is that it freak you out or that you simply lack the desire, that is not a particularly holy reason. I think you should not consider marriage at this point in time, and see how you feel about it 5 or more years from now. 19 is too young to decide to have a sexless marriage.
 
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I used to be grossed out by the idea of sex. Then I met a wonderful man. We decided to get married. Hubby was previously divorced (marriage declared invalid) so obviously he had some experience. I actually asked him at one point how one got started. I said I was familiar with the mechanics, but how did we get from sitting on the bed looking at each other to actually getting down to business? After he finished laughing he explained a bit more. We have been married for 7 years and he has few complaints 😃
 
ihaveqs said:
but I don’t want to have sex.
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Then you can’t really get married because sex is an essential part of that.
There is no “marriage without sex” option because you must be prepared to do that in marriage.

Also you’d be missing out on one of the most intimate and wonderful experiences in marriage.
 
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In the years before the sexual revolution, your story was actually a more common occurrence. Sometimes newlyweds just figured it out together!
 
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