Does caring about people’s opinions of you always mean a lack of humility?

[Lee3]

I am a young adult with Autism with zero friends because I am socially awkward.
Due to my non existent social skills, I in turn have social anxiety and need people to like me and care way too much what others think of me.
Does this mean that I have a lack of humility, in the religious sense, or is it rather just from not having that social circle base that most people have to start off with?

Ie: most people have a least a small circle of friends who like them, so that acts as a sort of buffer when someone else doesn’t like them because in their mind they know/have a foundation that some people do like them.

I have read that caring about people’s opinions always means a lack of humility though.

Is this the case for in Autism too?

Is it always humility issue or is it humility issue for some people and anxiety + self - dislike issue for others?

 

[tweedlealice]

Blessings,
The beginning of your post made me think of autism. We have it in our family. Humility is CARING WHAT PPL THINK b/c your thinking of them & how you relate. NOT CARING is prideful! I’ll be what I want to be no matter what. I hope that is clear.
Behavior modification implies, what ever caused the problem doesn’t need evaluating. But, our behavior does So, my grandson goes to autism classes to show what normal social graces are. He apes them.
I hope you have a therapist to help you.
You could go to a place w ppl, after COVID. Sit & watch interactions & take notes, unobtrusively.
You can buy chick flick movies & watch interactions. Don’t ever do movies w high sexual content or Porn. That journey, shouldn’t be taken by anyone.
If you have a family member, go on walks or grocery shopping. Restaurants are slowly opening. Watch what ppl do. Belong to a church & you increase your amt of family members & friends.
In order to get friends, we must be brave & go out looking for opportunities. Go slow. Feel loved. God is w you. We’re never alone. What’s your career field.
SEEK YE FIRST, THE KINGDOM OF GOD & EVERYTHING ELSE WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU
JEREMY 29/11. I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU. IT IS A GOOD PLAN W/o EVIL. IT HAS A FUTURE & A PURPOSE.
In Christ’s Love
Tweedlealice

 

[Lee3]

Thanks Tweedle Alice.
My career field is freelance graphic design. In one way it is good because I am not dealing with having to be on a certain time schedule as I find this hard, but on the other hand I don’t experience the social interactions as I work from home.
In one way it’s positive as I avoid the stress and rejection, but on the other hand it’s negative because of loneliness.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

Humility is best characterized by not thinking too much about yourself, but not to the point of self neglect. Anything else and it easily becomes pride.

 

[TheIttyBitty]

I’d venture to guess that humility is not about caring about what people think, but rather caring and tending to how they are feeling, emotionally and physically (and also, not poking the bear if the person is already down, not causing further agitation).

We cannot control anyone’s thoughts (and while people tell us all the time what they are “thinking” usually it’s very filtered), but we can improve their condition if they need help. And (at least in my book) that’s what it is to be humble or have humility. Humble oneself to the service of others, to benefit them, or to avoid emotional/physical harm of others.

One can also have humility in a conversation by allowing the other person(s) present to have a say in the conversation, and allowing a person the freedom to talk until they’ve said their peace (or until the floor is open again). In this case, it’s ones ability to listen and register what the other person has said.

Lee3, You were made by God, your faults are something you can strive to work on, but do not beat yourself up over these things if you don’t see improvements in a day, a week, a month, a year, or even your lifetime. You can build charity which may help with your humility, simply through prayer (consider a daily Rosary, said with intentions of healing any faults). Lacking humility as a sin itself isn’t so much about how you feel, but rather how you treat others when you know the appropriate thing to do. So you would likely know when you are treating someone poorly, and then you can reflect on that, go to Confession for such a thing, do penance, etc.

I don’t know about typical psychological therapists for autism, there may be behavioral therapists that can help you to improve your social life (though I still think praying consistently daily would help).

God is merciful, or at least I like to think so. He made you like this, and while you can see it as a cross to take up, try not to see it as a burden that interferes with your relationship with God.

 

[Michael98]

As a fellow Catholic with PDD-NOS (high-functioning autism), I definitely understand your struggle with wanting people to like you and worrying about the opinions of others.

Though I can’t speak with absolute certainty, I think it’s sensible to say that having a diagnosable condition that exacerbates social anxiety removes at least some of your culpability for seeking the approval of others. We know as Catholics that we should ultimately be seeking the approval of God before anything, but we also have a good and natural desire for community, and we often suffer when that need is unfulfilled.

My advice would be to continue to seek out friendships and community, but try to be mindful of doing so not merely to be liked, but because doing so is good and leads one closer to God. I find online communities like this, virtual/in-person prayer groups, and other church/service groups are a great way to have social interaction in a way that’s natural and not too stressful. In groups like these, we have some other common goal we’re focusing on, and friendships just naturally form as a result of seeking that goal (as opposed to entering a social environment with the primary goal of making friends, which can be stressful).

I hope that somewhat answers your question. Basically, don’t be troubled by this fear of sinning because of your social anxiety (talk to a priest if you’re really worried), pray for and seek out good friendships and finally, trust that God loves us unconditionally and is the most important relationship we will ever have.

 

[OddBird]

I in turn have social anxiety and need people to like me and care way too much what others think of me.

I can sympathize with this. I am not on the Autism spectrum, but as I was bullied throughout my childhood social anxiety and caring about what others think is something I struggle with too.

A priest once told me in confession : “you should care about what those people would think whom you trust and respect enough that you would turn to them for advice about serious matters. Don’t bother with the rest, it’s a useless burden”.

I found that helpful.

 

[Lee3]

It sounds then like this is something that people can have also even if they don’t have Autism and that it doesn’t necessarily equal to lack of humility?
I think, unlike in my situation, with “normal people” though, having a few friends works as a buffer against being a people-pleaser.

I can’t speak for others with Autism but in my case I am both socially awkward and also can’t read or feel the things that makes people become friends or click as romantic partners etc.
I think the saying is you need to like yourself instead of focus too much if others like you, but it’s hard to like yourself if you are flawed…
You can only like yourself if you see qualities about yourself that are likable.
When you keep being rejected it works as confirmation and just feeds the negative self talk, if that makes sense.

 

[OddBird]

It sounds then like this is something that people can have also even if they don’t have Autism and that it doesn’t necessarily equal to lack of humility?

In my case, it’s my fears and insecurities talking rather than my pride, and I don’t think they’re a sin in themselves. Which doesn’t mean that they are always sinless. There are most definitely situations where they lead me into sin - by giving in to peer pressure when I should have known better for example - and those sins often feature in my confessions.

When you keep being rejected it works as confirmation and just feeds the negative self talk, if that makes sense.

I can relate to that too. That’s why having a few trusted friends around is so important for my inner health.

 

[TheIttyBitty]

Rejection isn’t always about the rejected person. I know it can be hard, but try not to internalize rejections; everyone has their own situations that they are mentally/emotionally attending to and might not be able to be 100% present to your situation right when you need.

Avoiding rejection and people pleasing shouldn’t be the ultimate goal, and if having friends as a buffer helps, then that’s what you do (so long as they understand and are willing).

How much people like you is rather irrelevant, because we have so little control over what others think…Humans were given free will and the ability to exercise that can involve doing hurtful things or being hurtful, even if unintentionally. Please realize that many times, what people do to us isn’t intentionally to hurt us.

There’s another forum I was on, that if too much was asked of me, I learned to say I didn’t have enough spoons. People around me grew to accept that meant that I was beyond my abilities for the day. If you need to (and are able to), definitely speak up for yourself if you’re beyond your limits. “Sorry (or “Sorry to interrupt”), but I need to excuse myself.” There could be any number of ways of speaking up in order to calm yourself privately. You don’t have to give anyone any reasons or excuses when excusing yourself.

Regarding humility, that’s more pride/charity related. If you inherently (due to Autism) struggle to communicate and socialize, you won’t be judged so harshly, and should not judge yourself harshly. Some people don’t know how to properly act around people with Autism, so please don’t take anything due to that personal. That’s their own issues, not yours, and reflects them, not you.

You can always pray for anyone that you feel has wronged you, and that will help heal those slights and hurts you may feel.