Does it really matter to you if you are buried next to your spouse?

[lizaanne]

My DH and I had an interesting conversation on the way to Mass last night. He said that if anything happened to me (if I died) he would most probably move back home to England. So I was thinking about this and realized that it would probably mean that I would be buried here, and when he died he would be buried there. I had a bit of a problem with this, but he said why does it matter, we will be dead anyway. (He is Mr. Practicality to the core.)

I understand what he means - where our bodies are really is not important, we will (God willing) be in heaven, and when we are raised from the dead it won’t matter either. And there is no marriage in heaven. I get all this. But it’s still so horribly sad to think that we would not be buried next to each other!!!

I guess I’m just being a romantic about this, but would anyone else feel this way if you KNEW ahead of time that you would not be buried together, even if you were well aware that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter?

Maybe it’s a woman thing?? I think I’ll add a poll.



~Liza

 

[whatevergirl]

I think I’d want to be buried next to my husband, mainly because I would want it to be easier on our children, and others to visit our graves. If he is here let’s say, and I’m somewhere else, it will be a hardship for relatives/children to visit the cemetery.

My husband’s mom and dad have adjoining plots, his mom is still alive. My parents have been buried for some time, and their plots are together, in NJ. I can rarely go visit them, now that we moved to Florida.

I don’t care truly, other than the fact that it makes things easier for our children who will visit the cemetery someday…I want less hassle for them. Just my two cents.

 

[lizaanne]

Geeze - I didn’t even consider children because we are unable to have any, but you do make a good point. I still go to visit my grandparent’s grave, they are buried together. My parents would never be because they are divorced.

When I asked him who would visit my grave, and he said probably no one, but why would it matter, I would be dead. He can pray for me from anywhere.

I guess it’s just hard to hear that. It’s not as if he doesn’t love me, far far from the truth. He’s just being practical and realistic I suppose.

~Liza

 

[Phemie]

I have given some thought to that. DH is retired from the military and I’ve tried to get him to say whether he’d want me to try to have him buried in the local military cemetery. He says no, but won’t specify where he wants to be buried.

He’s not Catholic so maybe he thinks he can’t be buried next to me. I don’t want to push it, because “I” think he wants to be buried next to his mom & dad in the UCC cemetery back home. It really doesn’t matter. My mom has been dead 24 years and I’ve only gone to her gravesite once and not at all since Dad died 5 years ago. Granted we don’t get home frequently but even then it’s the last place I think of going. DH, OTOH, visits his mom & dad’s grave every time we go home. He doesn’t make a point of mentioning it but I can usually tell by his demeanour when he comes back from having been out and about.

 

[noclevername]

OK, please don’t think I am a cold person, I’m not. But when it comes to the deceased, I personally don’t think it matters. I am not married but I was and I could have cared less if I were buried next to my husband. My current boyfriend is the most wonderful man in the world and we will be married soon but I could care less if he and I are buried together. I have lost many loved ones. I lost my mother in a tragic accident. When I go to funerals, I don’t look at the body in the coffin because that’s what it is, a body. I don’t want my last memory of them to be lying in a coffin so I don’t look. I looked at my greatgrandmother when she died and since then I don’t look. So that being said, I don’t go visit graves either. It’s not a heartless thing, I just don’t do it. I go through old pictures instead. I suffered a great deal when my mother died but I still don’t go visit her grave. As horrible as this sounds, I don’t even know where it is. I was so upset during the funeral that I didn’t pay attention to where I was. I have gone back one time since her death but my exhusband took me (he knows where it is as does a lot of my family) but I am so bad with directions I didn’t pay attention then either.

So my point is that I don’t think it matters where you are buried 'cause you’re not really there.

 

[Among_Strangers]

Does it matter to you if you are buried next to your spouse?

It only matters to me if we don’t die at the same time Other than that

 

[EmBee]

My fiance and I have had this same conversation, only he is the one who feels strongly that we should be buried side-by-side. Personally, I don’t really care where my body ends up after I die. I’d prefer to be cremated and avoid being buried all together, but my fiance is pretty strongly opposed to that idea.

There are really a ton of things to deal with after someone dies, and they’re mostly “in-the-moment” decisions. I know this is a personal preference thread, but if anyone’s interested I do recommend “The American Way of Death” by Jessica Mitford - surprisingly light & plenty informative about the funeral industry and what options we have (and should make clear to our loved ones).

–

 

[newf]

For me this is a non-issue. I would not care where I was buried. I don’t visit graves either.

 

[whatevergirl]

Geeze - I didn’t even consider children because we are unable to have any, but you do make a good point. I still go to visit my grandparent’s grave, they are buried together. My parents would never be because they are divorced.

When I asked him who would visit my grave, and he said probably no one, but why would it matter, I would be dead. He can pray for me from anywhere.

I guess it’s just hard to hear that. It’s not as if he doesn’t love me, far far from the truth. He’s just being practical and realistic I suppose.

~Liza

aw, yeah, not one of your husband’s more tactful days, I guess. My husband can sometimes say things off the cuff…and often, it’s because the subject of losing us DOES matter to them…but they don’t want to get too deep into the conversation. It’s not always that they are being logical, sometimes, they don’t want to cry in front of us thinking of such realities.

Now, my dh will sometimes say…if we don’t see each other in heaven, know he still loves me. LOL Not sure what that one means.

 

[Catholic90]

I don’t get the whole “visit the grave” thing either. They aren’t there, so . . …

My DH goes to the cemetary to “talk” to his grandparents occassionally. I just don’t get it.

My parents never visited their parents’ graves, and I can’t see visiting any either.

 

[rolltidefan]

My husband and I have had this conversation quite a bit. I guess because both of our siblings died at an early age (25 and 26). So I express quite often how and what I want done at my funeral or even where I want buried. Even have it wrote down. I don’t go to visit my brothers grave site that often either. However, I can tell you, I want to be buried next to my husband and I know he wants to be buried next to me. Of course we are not doing it because we think we are going to be “holding hands” in the grave and it is some romantic thing. I think if you are married here on earth, you would just want to be laid to rest next to the one you claim to love to here and have vowed to be with. I have friends that their husbands have said they want to be buried next to their parents. I personally this is rude. I mean, you go from being with your parents to making a new life with your spouse. If my husband said he wanted buried next to his parents and sister, I would tell him to go live with his parents right now. I know this seems harsh, but I wouldn’t want my kids to not be buried with the one they loved to be buried next to me. Anyway just my 2 cents on it and of course I voted YES it matters to me. This was a neat poll though…glad you thought of it!

 

[aurora77]

I’ve never really thought about this. We’ve done several geocaches lately in old cemeteries, which got us talking about what kind of burial we’d want. We haven’t gotten into the actual issue of where we’d be buried. The romantic in me likes the idea of the two of us being buried side by side, but the practical side of me realizes that it doesn’t really matter. From a family/genealogical/historical perspective, it would be better to be buried together.

 

[Phemie]

My parents never visited their parents’ graves, and I can’t see visiting any either.

My parents’ idea of a great Sunday drive was to go from cemetery to cemetery to look at graves. I often got dragged along. Now, while I’m incredibly comfortable among gravestones and do enjoy exploring older graveyards, I’m not prone to visiting ‘relatives’.

 

[whatevergirl]

My parents’ idea of a great Sunday drive was to go from cemetery to cemetery to look at graves. I often got dragged along. Now, while I’m incredibly comfortable among gravestones and do enjoy exploring older graveyards, I’m not prone to visiting ‘relatives’.

That is interesting, my dh and I did this when we lived in PA. It was an older cemetery, and my dd and I would walk through and look at all the gravestones where children had passed before their parents…or a husband would pass, and then the following year, the wife would pass, according to the headstone dates. It was almost as though the cemetery told a story. Come to think of it, I would really like to be buried there with dh.

 

[lizaanne]

Thanks so much everyone, this has really been interesting! I thought for sure that everyone wanted to be buried together and that my husband was being totally strange, but I guess it’s not as uncommon as I thought. Go figure!

But I still want to be buried next to my husband. Guess the only way that’s going to happen is if he goes before I do. He’s 12 years younger than I, so chances of that are not too high given the averages. Gosh - what a horrible thought. Ok, if I have to choose before him going first so we can be buried together, I vote for me going first so I don’t have to bury him.

~Liza

 

[whatevergirl]

Think happy thoughts, lizaanne…think about being together in heaven. :angel1:

 

[Phemie]

That is interesting, my dh and I did this when we lived in PA. It was an older cemetery, and my dd and I would walk through and look at all the gravestones where children had passed before their parents…or a husband would pass, and then the following year, the wife would pass, according to the headstone dates. It was almost as though the cemetery told a story. Come to think of it, I would really like to be buried there with dh.

The only graveyard I visit regularly, as in several times a year, is the local military one. For some reason I feel very grateful & peaceful there. I also attend the November 11 service there, rather than at the local cenotaph. Most of the graves date back to WWII, but there are a few recent ones including that of a friend.

 

[lizaanne]

Think happy thoughts, lizaanne…think about being together in heaven. :angel1:

Oh gosh, I know!!! I know it all sounds so horrible and morbid, but then my practical side does realize it won’t matter a flip where we are buried in the end. I just get so romantic and silly emotional about such things sometimes.

The only graveyard I visit regularly, as in several times a year, is the local military one. For some reason I feel very grateful & peaceful there. I also attend the November 11 service there, rather than at the local cenotaph. Most of the graves date back to WWII, but there are a few recent ones including that of a friend.

I have a friend of mine who is a huge graveyard trekker. When I found some really amazing ones in England I was sure to take photos for her, she just loved that. Looking at the really old gravestones is quite amazing sometimes.

Our parish has an ancient graveyard. The boyscout troop recently did a project to chart and document every plot and stone in there. They took rubbings of some of them that were starting to fade away from time. We are still burying parishoners there!

~Liza

 

[rolltidefan]

I think this has been one of the neatest threads started on this site. Makes you really think huh??

Talking about looking at graveyards. I lived in Louisiana for years and there are some really neat, (I guess if you can all them that) gravesyards there. Of course most are really old and carry a lot of history especially like in the New Orleans area.

Whatevergirl…you talking about husbands and wives dying and the stories behind them in the graves you visited brought to mind my grandparents. My grandparents were married 68 years on May 15, 2008. My grandfather passed away on November 27, 2008 which was Thanksgiving day. My grandmother had been just miserable without him since his passing. on February 27, 2009, my grandmother passed away. It had been exactly 3 months to the date of him passing. The odd thing about it though is that that date is my grandfathers birthday. They had already made arrangements for everything before their passing. With even the gravestone being purchased and everything. There is a picture of them on there. But the scene on the stone is of two people holding hands and it says together forever at last. I couldn’t imagine them having wanted to be buried away from each other. They are two people that literally lived for each other. My grandfather was the truest meaning of a Godly leader of the household and kept his wife on a pedestal like no other person I have ever known. There is no doubt that my grandmother grieved herself to death. They both will forever be missed, but when my grandmother died, it was almost hard for me to even cry, because I knew where she wanted to be. I also know that she wanted to give my grandfather the best birthday present ever…and that was the gift of going home. Anyway, just wanted to share that with everybody here.

 

[lovemysix]

Rolltide, what a sweet story!

My husband and I plan to buy plots together. His presence is so calming to me that I can’t help but want him around me even when we’re both dead. LOL!

Seriously, though, my wish is that we could die together (only after the kids are all grown and independent, though). I DREAD the idea of my life here without him. I’m a survivor, so I know when it happens, I will deal with it. But it is a time of my life I just dread. Aging is such a difficult time of life, and the thought of living any part of that stage of life without his support makes me very sad. Of course, I might cash it in before he does, but I dread the idea of him having to live without me equally.

I read about a couple not too long ago who resided in a nursing home together and literally died within minutes of each other in the same room. I was green with envy

Oh well, I don’t dwell on it. You can’t live your life dreading what’s to come. So I enjoy every day with him now and pray to God for the strength to handle whatever this life throws at me down the pike.