Are you saying that you acknowldedge some culpability of your own? I find the bolded quote particularly troublesome - would you accept your husband claiming that his behavior was ‘provoked’ by you? Are you saying that hormones are an acceptable reason to lash out at others?
When you say he’s made a case that you were the abuser, are you saying that he’s been successful in doing so? If he has, does this give you pause for reflection? Who is being deceived?
Please understand that I’m commenting as much about the general topic of emotional abuse as I am your situation.
To answer your question, of course I acknowledge some culpability. Nobody is perfect in this life. When my children are literally bouncing off the walls and I know that a trip to the emergency room is imminent if they don’t stop (they probably have ADHD too), and they have ignored my ‘stop it’ for the 15th time, I tend to yell ‘STOP IT’ really loudly. I get annoyed when I find gum spit out on the floor instead of the trash can for the 50th time. I am probably too lax with my kids to begin with, and then they don’t take me seriously enough and I end up yelling to get their attention. Do I struggle to be the best mom I can be in spite of the circumstances and end up making a lot of mistakes? Heck yes! But is that a valid reason for my husband to abandon me and my children for another man’s wife?
I don’t think anyone is justified in lashing out at others (even with hormones), but it happens sometimes, doesn’t it? And no, I would not accept my husband claiming that his behavior was provoked by me. It just does not hold water and, I think if you knew me, you would be able to see and know that very clearly.
So yes - I was a part of the relationship’s failure because I was part of the relationship. But I worked my butt off to try to make it good. I told him the things that bothered me in an attempt to get him to change those things. But what you don’t understand is that, when you are in a relationship like that, the normal rules do not apply. For instance, I knew that I would want to receive flowers when my son was born. In order to avoid disappointment and resentment, I let my husband know ahead of time that I would really, really like to get flowers in the hospital after I gave birth. I told him no additional present was necessary - no ‘push present’ or anything like that. Just some flowers. Did he get me any flowers? No. And my parents didn’t get me any either because they thought it was odd that my own husband wasn’t getting me any flowers and they didn’t want to upstage him. So I got a few stems of carnations (that looked like they came from a 7-11) that someone at work had given to my Mother-in-law for some reason that day and she passed on down to me. When I told him I was disappointed, he just kept making excuses. (I now realize he most likely did it on purpose - that’s his MO) A few months later, he bought himself a Porsche. I told him I resented that car. He told me he didn’t know what the word ‘resent’ means. I told him to look it up in the dictionary. I’m sure that made me a b*tch - just like the time I insisted that the kids have chocolate bunnies in their Easter baskets even if it meant him having to drive the 6 miles to his house, get them, and bring them back to my house. (From now on, I buy the Easter candy and whatever he says he has bought can be extra - no expectations).
You see, I could have been the most perfect person in the world, but it would not have made a bit of difference. And here’s the rub - I acknowledge these failings in myself. In fact, I am hyper-sensitive to them. He acknowledges no such failings in himself. He paints himself as perfect, but preys on my scrupulosity. That’s what abusers do. So, any time he brings up any fault in me, of course I am going to consider it. That’s what people with a conscience do. And even if it isn’t a valid criticism, I consider it, at least for a moment - that is what abused people do.
With regard to him and his most attempts to bait me into having an outburst, I have become very, very good at not expressing that anger or hurt to him. Does that mean it just goes away? No. I have to control it, find a way to deal with it, cope somehow. Sometimes I am cranky and crabby because of it, and I regret that. That’s why I’m here asking for suggestions. I would like to try to limit the emotional impact he sometimes continues to have on me. I have made great strides, but for 20 years, this man has been at war with me. For most of the time, I had no clue, and I suffered for it. Now I know how to combat it, but it is exhausting.
If you truly have concerns, please contact me privately. I’d rather not continue to air my private life online. To be honest, your questioning of me is starting to feel a bit off-putting. I don’t know if you just have been fortunate enough to never have been in a abusive situation and are just trying to understand, or if there might be other motives, but just as you are concerned about people going overboard with accusations of abuse, I am concerned about re-traumatizing and/or making abuse victims question themselves. Trust me - we/they have already been trained to be hyper-critical of ourselves. We don’t need additional questioning from third parties.
