Domestic violence

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bumby

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Hi guys

I haven’t posted here in a while - hope everybody is well.

This is about my sister. Her husband has started hitting her. She is in two minds about leaving and I don’t know how to advise her. She says she loves her husband and doesn’t want her children to be fatherless but says she can’t put up with the lack of respect.

Her husband was physically abused by his dad as a child and needs help to ‘break the cycle’ I think, but he visited the doctor today and was told to ‘count to five’ when he got angry.

I have recommended she access counselling but short of phoning them for her, I feel a bit helpless. I let her stay at my house for a week to collect her thoughts and create a plan of action. Went well first two days home but then he hit her again.

He has dyspraxia and finds it difficult to put things into perspective.

Does anybody have any advice on how I approach this?
 
Hitting is never ok, I don’t care what kind of condition he has. Please encourage your sister to contact the police and file a complaint. She and the children shouldn’t have to leave their home…he should be made to leave. If he refuses it would be kind of you to give her a place to stay until she can get her own place.

It’s sad that she went back for more abuse. I’ll say a prayer for her.
 
I was wondering what the official stance is from the Catholic Church because I don’t know.
 
When I Call For Help: A Pastoral Response To Domestic Violence Against Women and also An Overview of Domestic Violence both come from the USCCB.

From the first link:
The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, “How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?” The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more.
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Encourage your sister to contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The website also looks like it has a chat feature. You might want to have her do this from your house so he can’t check her web history. It has resources for you, too.

She may also look for an advocate in her area and she me be referred if she calls the above number. An advocate is not a counselor but is there to discuss her options like safety planning, the possibility of obtaining a protection order, and other needs. Talking to an advocate doesn’t mean she has to do whatever it is they discuss. She should make her own decision and in her own time but talking with an advocate can help her know what her option are. Also, if she works with an advocate and maybe even a counselor it allows you to focus on just being a sister. BTW if you go to the Domestic Violence Hotline website there are resources for friends and family, too.
 
This sounds like something has happened recently and that this is a new behavior.

At any rate, keeping yourself in an abuse situation is never good. This sends the wrong message to the family.

My sister took 13 years to gather the courage to leave and while the children never received hands on abuse they watched and learned that this behavior is how couples behave in a relationship.

My prayers.
 
Thank you. The only problem is I live 50 miles away so can’t be there on a day-to-day basis to keep an eye on her.

I’ve offered my house should she need to come and stay but my parents are taking a dim view of this offer even though they don’t know what is going on - they think they are a young couple being melodramatic.

I don’t understand how a man who can be so nice to her family (me, my husband, my kids) and so loving to his own children can be like this towards his wife.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Encourage your sister to contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The website also looks like it has a chat feature. You might want to have her do this from your house so he can’t check her web history. It has resources for you, too.

She may also look for an advocate in her area and she me be referred if she calls the above number. An advocate is not a counselor but is there to discuss her options like safety planning, the possibility of obtaining a protection order, and other needs. Talking to an advocate doesn’t mean she has to do whatever it is they discuss. She should make her own decision and in her own time but talking with an advocate can help her know what her option are. Also, if she works with an advocate and maybe even a counselor it allows you to focus on just being a sister. BTW if you go to the Domestic Violence Hotline website there are resources for friends and family, too.
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As a former member of our local Battered Women’s Task Force, the advice of Bruised Reed is excellent. Also, this is generally a descending spiral, where the violence increases and the frequency of attacks occurs sooner and sooner.
 
My view is she should leave him. As he was hit by his father as a child, how long will be until he moves from just hitter her to hitting his own kids. She needs to get out before child services intervene and the kids have no parents as they would be placed in foster care.
 
bumby said:
Thank you. The only problem is I live 50 miles away so can’t be there on a day-to-day basis to keep an eye on her.

I’ve offered my house should she need to come and stay but my parents are taking a dim view of this offer even though they don’t know what is going on - they think they are a young couple being melodramatic.

I don’t understand how a man who can be so nice to her family (me, my husband, my kids) and so loving to his own children can be like this towards his wife.
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You don’t have to understand…you have to get her to seek help. Besides the excellent advice from Bruised Reed, call Catholic Social Services where she can get low cost, or possibly free counseling. This is not something you’re going to fix overnight nor something that can wait. Believe me I know. I know you don’t want to get in the middle. But she’s your sister. She’s at risk as are the children. If you KNOW that she is being hit: call the cops. No regrets. Better than picking the readings for her funeral.
 
She can leave with the children and say she will not return unless he gets counseling and they do couples counseling. After that, if she returns, it’s one strike and she’s outta there forever.

She should also document and date everything: photos of any bruising, etc, an phone calls she makes, any agreements they make (and she should verify them: So you are saying that you will mow the lawn twice a month? then she writes that down. Obviously that’s just an eexample since she’s probably more concerned about other things.).

He should also get a full check-up–since this is a recent thing, it may be that there is something happening physically, esp if he hit his head shortly before this all started.
 
There’s so much great advice in this thread from contacting the Domestic Violence hotline / a local woman’s shelter for advocacy and support to her leaving until he gets a medial checkup and agrees to counseling.

I’d add that she should gather a safety kit together. First, she should have an extra set of car keys hidden somewhere and never park her car so she could get blocked in. For the safety kit, she needs to have copies of all the legal docs for her and the kids in case they leave and need to access services- copies of birth certificates, social security cards/ numbers, a copy of her driver’s license, copies of all the medical insurance cards, etc. (Alternatively, she could e-mail you scans of these things instead of packing them.)

Next, any medical things they might need - for instance an inhaler for a child with asthma. Clothing for everyone - 1-2 outfits. A small hygiene kit - travel sizes of toiletries, toothbrushes, etc. Finally, one (small) comfort item for each child like a stuffed animal or small toy; if one of the kids has a “blankie” they love, cut a piece off now and stick it in the bag. That packed bag should be left with a neighbor or someone who lives close so she could access it if/ when she leaves.

It takes, on average, 7 times for a victim to leave. When she returns, don’t be discouraged or pull your support. Just realize that she’s one step closer to the “final” time. Of course, it’s the final time if he continues the behavior. There’s great evidence based therapy for anger management and domestic violence. I’ll be praying that he accesses those services and this resolves. (Counting to five? Nice but trite. He needs much, much more than that.)
 
NFPWife said:
There’s so much great advice in this thread from contacting the Domestic Violence hotline / a local woman’s shelter for advocacy and support to her leaving until he gets a medial checkup and agrees to counseling.

I’d add that she should gather a safety kit together. First, she should have an extra set of car keys hidden somewhere and never park her car so she could get blocked in. For the safety kit, she needs to have copies of all the legal docs for her and the kids in case they leave and need to access services- copies of birth certificates, social security cards/ numbers, a copy of her driver’s license, copies of all the medical insurance cards, etc. (Alternatively, she could e-mail you scans of these things instead of packing them.)

Next, any medical things they might need - for instance an inhaler for a child with asthma. Clothing for everyone - 1-2 outfits. A small hygiene kit - travel sizes of toiletries, toothbrushes, etc. Finally, one (small) comfort item for each child like a stuffed animal or small toy; if one of the kids has a “blankie” they love, cut a piece off now and stick it in the bag. That packed bag should be left with a neighbor or someone who lives close so she could access it if/ when she leaves.

It takes, on average, 7 times for a victim to leave. When she returns, don’t be discouraged or pull your support. Just realize that she’s one step closer to the “final” time. Of course, it’s the final time if he continues the behavior. There’s great evidence based therapy for anger management and domestic violence. I’ll be praying that he accesses those services and this resolves. (Counting to five? Nice but trite. He needs much, much more than that.)
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These are great and just what I was going to say. A couple of additional points:
  1. She should try and squirrel away cash whenever she can. Even if it’s just a little bit of money here and there, it adds up over time.
  2. After calling a women’s shelter or DV hotline, she might call the Weather Network or something totally innocuous. This way, if her husband presses “redial” he won’t know she’s making an attempt to leave him.
  3. After leaving, she needs to be EXTREMELY careful. Sadly, abuse often escalates when an individual tries to leave, sometimes to the point of homicidal violence. This is why I would recommend her going to a women’s shelter rather than to a family member or a friend - she’ll be harder to find and she’ll have better protection.
 
bumby said:
Thank you. The only problem is I live 50 miles away so can’t be there on a day-to-day basis to keep an eye on her.

I’ve offered my house should she need to come and stay but my parents are taking a dim view of this offer even though they don’t know what is going on - they think they are a young couple being melodramatic.

I don’t understand how a man who can be so nice to her family (me, my husband, my kids) and so loving to his own children can be like this towards his wife.
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It’s hard to leave an abuser. I’ve been there, I know. 5 year veteran of an abusive marriage to a man I didn’t even love and it was hard to leave. If my parents had known and encouraged me to leave I might have left sooner. I say tell your parents it’s not young married melodrama and that he is physically abusing their daughter. Once they know they can offer their help and support.
NFPWife said:
I’d add that she should gather a safety kit together. First, she should have an extra set of car keys hidden somewhere and never park her car so she could get blocked in. For the safety kit, she needs to have copies of all the legal docs for her and the kids in case they leave and need to access services- copies of birth certificates, social security cards/ numbers, a copy of her driver’s license, copies of all the medical insurance cards, etc. (Alternatively, she could e-mail you scans of these things instead of packing them.)

Next, any medical things they might need - for instance an inhaler for a child with asthma. Clothing for everyone - 1-2 outfits. A small hygiene kit - travel sizes of toiletries, toothbrushes, etc. Finally, one (small) comfort item for each child like a stuffed animal or small toy; if one of the kids has a “blankie” they love, cut a piece off now and stick it in the bag. That packed bag should be left with a neighbor or someone who lives close so she could access it if/ when she leaves.
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Great post, but I have had to access services and found that state and federal assistance agencies or agencies that get funding from state and federal programs now require certified copies of birth, marriage, and divorce records as well as actual copies of social security cards and sometimes school records or a student ID for kids. So, women in abusive situations need to obtain certified copies and stash them where they can access they easily and quickly. If the husband happens to see the emergency kit she can always say she has it packed in case of disaster or a fire. It’s the same stuff the government advises people have packed in case of natural disaster, evacuation, or fire anyways.
His_helpmeet said:
These are great and just what I was going to say. A couple of additional points:
  1. She should try and squirrel away cash whenever she can. Even if it’s just a little bit of money here and there, it adds up over time.
  2. After calling a women’s shelter or DV hotline, she might call the Weather Network or something totally innocuous. This way, if her husband presses “redial” he won’t know she’s making an attempt to leave him.
  3. After leaving, she needs to be EXTREMELY careful. Sadly, abuse often escalates when an individual tries to leave, sometimes to the point of homicidal violence. This is why I would recommend her going to a women’s shelter rather than to a family member or a friend - she’ll be harder to find and she’ll have better protection.
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Also a great post, but I have to somewhat disagree with item 3. It really depends on the shelter and the family. Our closest shelter has very lax security and calling 911 is…well…not guaranteed to summon a police officer within 1-36 hours. I wish I was joking. Around here you’re better off staying with a big, bad, baseball bat totin’ brother or uncle or cousin than going to the shelter.
 
I think you have been given great advice in this thread. I just want to add that leaving an abusive marriage is extremely difficult as the abuser usually has manipulated the victim psicologically in such a way that subconsciously she believes that she deserves somehow the abuse, that there is no way to get out and that she is to blame for the abuse. I know it because I also was in an abusive marriage from which I attempted to leave five times and came back. On the sixth I finally left with my daughter some spare cash that I had saved and the clothes we had on.

Please encourage her to leave and give her your support. I also have to say that in my case I received a huge help from the st Vincent De Paul society. They helped me with food and all needs for my daughter and at some point they even helped me to pay my rent so contact the church for help.I also agree with MJean. Not all shelters have great security and they may be very lax. If your parents and you can help her to leave without telling him and go somewhere he has no idea wonderful. Also please file a restraining order against him and tell her do not doubt to call police if he gets close to her.

Finally and most importantly she needs counseling and therapy. The psicological effects of abuse are damaging so the sooner she can go to a professional counselor the better.
 
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