Don't equate 'annulment' with 'divorce'

[alessandro]

pianoplayingmom:

After nearly 27 years of marriage, my husband and I civilly divorced last February. I divorced because, in order to get an annulment in the Catholic Church here in the US, one must get a civil divorce first before applying…

I don’t know this person’s particular situation; nor am I asking the details. My heart goes out to her for the anguish and sorrow that surely accompanied this trying period in her life.

But allow me to use this quote in order to illustrate something that’s bothered me for quite some time: I’m always perplexed when self-professed Catholics ask for annulments from the Church. It is clear that they neither understand what an annulment truly is (equating it with divorce), nor do they really care, as long as they achieve the end they desire, namely, an end to the marriage.

But the difference is crucial – Unlike a divorce, which is a dissolving of a marriage that actually existed (a legal term that has no meaning in the Church), an annulment it is a declaration that there never was, in actuality, a marriage. In order to be granted an annulment, one must show that the marriage was invalid. There are very specific rules regarding what constitutes valid grounds for an annulment – so one shouldn’t expect that one is entitled to one just because one wants one.

Granted, some people qualify for true annulments. But usually an annulment is sought just to get a divorce and to have the ability to remarry in the Church. Let’s end this abuse, lest annulments continue to be reduced to “Catholic divorce.”

People seeking divorce should spend their energies working toward and praying for a healing in their marriages. If this is not possible, they should live separate lives, but accept the fact that their marriage was valid and that, consequently, they cannot remarry. And this serves as an extra reminder to single Catholics that, before one marries, ample time should have been spent in Christian courtship and pre-Cana preparation for marriage. "A family that prays together stays together."

 

[JimG]

alessandro:

People seeking divorce should spend their energies working toward and praying for a healing in their marriages. If this is not possible, they should live separate lives, but accept the fact that their marriage was valid and that, consequently, they cannot remarry.

Yes, if a marriage was not valid from the beginning, then it was never a marriage.

But if it was valid, then the Catholic position is that it cannot be made null, for a valid marriage is valid until death.

Before deciding to marry someone, you have to know them well enough to be able to answer this question: Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person, no matter what?

I am always kind of startled to hear someone complain about their spouse. My reaction is, “well, who picked him–you, or someone else?”

 

[geojack]

I expected alot more replies after reading some other threads about annulments.

 

[jrabs]

alessandro:

But allow me to use this quote in order to illustrate something that’s bothered me for quite some time:

I find your approach in starting a thread using pianoplayingmom’s hardship rather appalling.
You could have left her name off this. :tsktsk:

 

[Aesq]

geojack:

I expected alot more replies after reading some other threads about annulments.

I think that there have not been more replies as the poster seems to be assuming that all of the nullities petitioned for and granted were in the cases of a marriage between persons who were Catholic at the time of the marriage and is therefore assuming abuses as well.

In my experience, no where near all of the petitioned for nullities are in cases of people who were Catholic at the time of the marriage. In my area, most if not virtually all of the cases are cases where the petitioner is an adult wishing to come into full communion with the Church, but has been divorced and remarried.

I really do not think there is nearly as much abuse in the process as people seem to think. There are a great many converts in many parts of the US and many of them have divorce and remarriage issues. I know of about twenty myself. I myself have petitioned, although I am not remarried. I did not convert until after I was divorced.

I would like to point out that there are more reasons to seek a nullity than just remarriage. One can not receive Holy Orders if they are divorced and no nullity is granted. This would include the ability to become a permanent deacon as they receive the sacrament of Holy Orders. This may be a small percentage of the persons seeking a nullity, but it is not non-existant. All of the assumptions made by the original poster may have shut this thread down before it really started.

 

[Jaded27]

JimG:

I am always kind of startled to hear someone complain about their spouse. My reaction is, “well, who picked him–you, or someone else?”

This seems kind of an odd blanket statement. As someone who’s gotten divorced (and the one who suggested the divorce as well when the partner didn’t), I can certainly vouch for those other divorced people out there when I say that just because you “picked someone” of your own free will does not count for everything. Things change - BELIEVE ME.

Not saying that I think the divorce rate is okay or anything and I’m not making excuses, but there are plenty of reasons to be unhappy in a marriage whether you picked someone or not. Does an abused wife have no reason to leave simply because “she picked him”?

As to the original poster, I think a lot of people posting about annullments right now (myself included) do understand the difference. It’s not annulling the marriage and making it go away. But if you have one of the three reasons given for nullity (sp) then it is acceptable. Why should you remain totally unhappy in a bad marriage when you could at least be fine on your own? Or happier with another? (of course serious thought should be put into all decisions such as that, but that should be assumed. I’m responding because, as a divorced person, I don’t feel that my chance to be happily married should be over. I’m only 23, after all. )

 

[JimG]

Jaded27, Thanks for your comments. This is just something that I’ve never quite understood about many recent marriages. I know that there are many unhappy marriages, and it’s not something I can speak about with any authority because I had a very happy marriage, at least until my wife died.

But I often wonder what the reasons are. Did people just not really know their potential spouse beforehand? Did friends and family think this was the wrong person, but one was just blinded by being in love? I find it hard to believe that people really change a lot from before marriage to after marriage, but maybe they do.

I do recall thinking, even just before I proposed, ‘is this the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? Can I see us growing old together?’ I could, so I popped the question.

Afterwards, at first I didn’t think it was odd to be so happily married. I thought everybody was! It later became apparent to me that that was not the case.

But I’m still puzzled. You have people picking out life partners. Why don’t they plck better? I’m not blaming anybody. I’m just wondering why it goes so wrong.

I’m not even blaming the tribunals; because it seems, in the end, that there really are a lot of null marriages out there. But why?

 

[Mom_of_5]

As one who went thru the annulment process, I can say that it was not just a piece of cake. I lived with my first husband for 29 years, finally divorced after 32 years. I did everything I could to change our marriage to a happy one. My husband liked it the way it was. Our marriage was very abusive. I had no idea that he was abusive before we were married. This happens many times to many people. (men are abused as well as women) He had no respect for women ,or, as it turned out, for Catholicism or any religion.

For many years we were taught that we had to accept any and all treatment we recieved by our spouse. After all, we made a vow and a vow could not be broken. Few asked for annulments because the church made it very difficult to have the marriage nulled. There was a lot of suffering in silence. Divorce was a “disgrace” in our very Catholic family. My husband knew this and he took full advantage of my pride. I was too proud to tell anyone what I was going through. Besides, my family would have suggested that it was my decision to marry him.

The number of nulled marriages is really not out of line, although it may seem that way. Those who have marriages nulled who have been together for many years, may be finally “coming out of the closet”, too tired and hurt to take anymore abuse. Those who go through the process know that it is not taken lightly. While the church grants the “null”, it is really between us and God. For young people, I believe that God knows their hearts and circumstances. We just need to pray for all who find themselves in an unhappy situation whether it is their "fault’"or not.

Love and peace

mom of 5