Don't know what to do about possible adultery

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Hello, blessings to all. I’m struggling mightily with a situation that’s occurring in my household and I’m really torn about the options. I have a young stepdaughter who is divorced civilly but still married in the Church. She came to the USA a few months ago and her ex-husband (husband?) lives in South America. There is no chance of reconciliation as he has even remarried and had a child himself. She has now become close with a family friend here and they seem to be pursuing a relationship even though I have told her in no uncertain terms that she’s not free to do so until she can hopefully resolve her situation (there were some issues in the marriage and prior that could be grounds for an annulment).

My problem is the possibility of adultery in the heart. They tell me they will not be physical until the issue is resolved but the way they behave towards each other makes me very uncomfortable due to her being still married before God. I believe that for her to even consider a relationship is highly inappropriate unless she gets an annulment. She however doesn’t think so and the problem is compounded by the fact that her mother (my wife) seems to care more about the fact that she may have to stay celibate the rest of her life (which for a 25 year old woman with little catholic formation is unthinkable) than the salvation of her soul. Frankly I myself am torn apart by this. On one hand I love my stepdaughter (I don’t even call her that, I call her my daughter but I do so here for clarity) and my heart breaks when I think of her spending the rest of her life alone because of a mistake she made, but I also know that the Lord and His Church are very clear on this. I feel like I have to put my foot down and demand that she put an end to it but I know that will alienate both her and my wife and put a tremendous strain on our family. What would you do in this situation? I really need some help here…
 
She’s an adult.

It is certainly appropriate to give her advice. It’s good advice. It’s fatherly advice. And, she would be wise to take the advice.

You are not her parent, and even if you were, you do not have authority over her.

“Putting your foot down” is nonsensical.
 
Well, she does live under my roof and under my support. Wouldn’t I be condoning sin?
 
Maybe patience and mercy are in order…
Its good that your (name removed by moderator)ut for what is just has been made,
but I think God would want you to show kindness.

I know from experience (I had similar troubles) putting my foot down
did not help matters; only created tension.
 
If you put your foot down, it would proabably mean that she would move out, and still be in the same boat, perhaps worse , and she will also resent you.

By guiding her and allowing her to have a non-physical relationship while under your roof is fine imho. By her being around you as a positive role model, is a good thing.
She is seeking annullment, and you really can’t read anothers heart.
 
RetreatFan said:
Well, she does live under my roof and under my support. Wouldn’t I be condoning sin?
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You are certainly within your rights to say that, for example, unmarried-in-the-eyes-of-the-Church couples don’t share a bedroom in your house. In fact, one could make a very good argument that it’s an obligation on your part.

At the same time, she’s an adult; you can’t keep her from engaging in inappropriate behaviors without shackling her to a wall, which most jurisdictions do tend to frown rather severely on. 😉

If she’s using your money to engage in objectively sinful behavior (hotel room? Trips together where they share a room? Etc.), then you also are entirely within your rights to say “no more, or the money stops.” On the other hand, feeding her and keeping a roof over her head isn’t condoning bad behavior; it’s basic charity.

In short, you can control what happens under your roof. You can’t control the behavior of another adult outside of it, and if it seems the right thing to help her with basic needs (as a side note: if she’s 25, why isn’t she supporting herself?), then that requirement on your part isn’t contingent on her behavior.
 
RetreatFan said:
I feel like I have to put my foot down and demand that she put an end to it but I know that will alienate both her and my wife and put a tremendous strain on our family. What would you do in this situation? I really need some help here…
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You think that things are bad now? Doing what you stated above will have repercussions that you cannot imagine. She is an adult and you did your best. It is time for her to make her own decisions.
 
If you have made your feelings clear, and given her the admonition to remain chaste what more can you do? She is an adult and is responsible to God for her own decisions.

You could give her an ultimatum - stop this relationship until the annulment is granted or leave - but what good would that do? It would cause division in your family and possibly drive her into a situation where she felt more tempted.

She is an adult, treat her as one. Support her. Love her as the father you want to be and the daughter you claim she is to you. If she falls down, be there to help her pick up the pieces. Meet her where she is and walk with her. Hope, by the grace of God, when you fall down she will do the same for you.

Peace.
 
Why are you and your wife approaching this as though this young woman is without recourse? If you live in New York City, her first marriage can be submitted to the tribunal there to be investigated for a possible declaration of nullity. There is no sense, yet, in which she is faced with having to remain single for the rest of her life.
 
UbiCaritas said:
as a side note: if she’s 25, why isn’t she supporting herself
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If she recently came from South America, she may not have the ability to work in the US. Her mother may be sponsoring her.

That’s not clear from the OP, but it make sense given what he did share.
 
Yes, that is correct. She doesn’t have work authorization yet.

Thank you so much everyone, you’ve really given me a bit of peace on this subject. I’ll continue praying for them…
 
RetreatFan said:
Yes, that is correct. She doesn’t have work authorization yet.

Thank you so much everyone, you’ve really given me a bit of peace on this subject. I’ll continue praying for them…
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Don Ruggero has given you good advice as well, encourage her to make an appointment with your local pastor to start the nullity process.
 
Can the nullity process be done here even though the marriage took place in South America?
 
Tim_D said:
Being that the OP is a stepfather, I doubt that such an ultimatum would endear him to his stepdaughter OR his wife.
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And, as either he or his wife (or both) is currently sponsoring her, they are legally responsible for providing support.
 
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