I don’t know where to put this, if this is in the wrong forum, please move this away. Not sure where to start either, I got so many to say I think, please bear with me…
I know I have fallen to sin, maybe we all do. But mine was started since I was little, and I consciously know that what I did or did not do are sins…
I’m not sure why, but my mind keeps clinging to our old house where I grew up. Probably because I wanna make amend to the mistakes I’ve committed there.
I don’t feel comfortable living in this current neighborhood here… But I don’t know, I keep clinging here as well, I think I didn’t steadfast enough to keep myself together that I did mistakes here too… I messed up…
Now I realize we’re not angels, we’re fallen human that do mistakes probably everyday… but we can’t be like that forever… since I was little I realize I have this fear and envy in my heart that I don’t know how to release them…
I think I gave up half of myself to the devil somewhere in the middle of my life’s journey… can I claim that half back? Or is my effort or thinking to claim it back is wrong? Not sure if I make sense here…
I find myself hard to open myself to my family… I hated & envied my 3rd older brother so much once, I don’t know why… Now not that much anymore… and I feel sick of myself, ergh…
Can we pray for the souls that I might have save but I didn’t do anything to save them? I mean maybe I don’t have material resources to heal them, but at least I can offer them prayer or tell them about Jesus, but I didn’t do anything of it… I remember my grandmother from my father’s side, my 2nd aunty from my mother’s side, my cousin, two of my coworkers, 5 of my neighbor, one of my college classmates, one of my acquintances. Wow…
Go to confession and believe in your heart that once forgiven you are forgiven. Move on from there and stop “clinging” to the past. That in itself is a sin. No need to carry that load with you. Trust that God has forgiven you.
That you recognize your particular faults means you can move to change your behavior. So if jealousy is one of those issues work on that for some time. You could do something as simple as praise another person for a job well done, or compliment them on a nice outfit or how pretty their hair is. It could be the cashier at the store, a co-worker that you feel a little intimidated by due to jealousy or what ever. But start complimenting others once in a while. After a month of this move on to your next fault. Is it getting to angry when you drive? (Pride and control issues.) Make your self drive behind a city bus for 10 blocks instead of passing it. (I did this to tame my driving habits years and years ago.)
Try to volunteer someplace and use that as a way to care more about others.
Pray daily, even just the Lords Prayer, for the intention of being more patient and understanding.
Forgive yourself and stop brooding over the past. Head into tomorrow with hope.
You cannot “sell your soul” to the devil (contrary to popular fiction). You can always give yourself over 100% to Jesus, regardless of past sins.
Jesus came to save you. He suffered and died on the Cross for you. He is the Savior of the world. You are not. Are there things in your life you might have done differently to help people be open to God’s gift of salvation? Maybe. The same is true for all of us. I know there are plenty of things I have failed to do that I ought to have done.
Our God is a God of mercy and forgiveness. He loves you immeasurably. It is always possible to turn to Him for forgiveness. We mess up. Often, we mess up big time. But thanks be to God for the mercy of God. We are never, ever without hope of salvation.
Your profile says you are a “Catholic wannabe”. Talk to a priest about these things. Get the ball rolling to be Catholic where you can receive the great graces that come from the Sacrament of Reconciliation where you can have certitude that you are forgiven for all these past sins. Clinging to these terrible memories is only going to hold you back. You are going to have to let go. Put your trust in the Lord. He is right there with you.
That you have worries and want better is God calling you closer to Him.
That you describe yourself as a Catholic Wannabe is your realization that the Catholic Faith is spot on - the best - but you don’t yet know and understand enough to make a personal commitment to become Catholic.
A simple way to organize your life is:
God First.
Family Second.
All else third.
So work the God First, first. Contact a nearby Catholic Church and make an appointment to talk with a Priest. He will guide you. He will invite you to partake in the local RCIA program where you will learn about the Catholic Faith.
Meanwhile, pray constantly this simple prayer: JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU.
Keep your mind and heart open to Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the answers you seek will come to you over time.
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I remember my grandmother from my father’s side, my 2nd aunty from my mother’s side, my cousin, two of my coworkers, 5 of my neighbor, one of my college classmates, one of my acquintances. Wow…