Don't understand my grandma

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Diana_Pacheco

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I really need help with this situation and I would appreciate anybody’s advice. Right now I’m living with my grandma but things aren’t quite easy. I don’t like this place, because she criticizes me from time to time.

If I’m thinking deeply and I’m concentrated doing some kind of work I use to frown my face and pay little attention to my surrounding that’s when she comes and tells me why * I have that awful face*, but in a mocking tone. Then If I’m feeling bad, or extremely sad she says the same. One thing to know is that I suffer of depression and I can’t help it but frown my face when I feel sad.

Other times she starts telling about my complexion, that I need to do more exercise to have a better waist.

Those are few of many things she has mentioned to me. I can’t help but feel angry and then sad of her comments.

Few days ago, I wasn’t in a good mood and when she told me about my awful face I couldn’t help tell her: please Gradma, not now.
I did not shout nor reply in full anger, but she just got angry with me and started mumbling lots of sentences about me and my siblings, that we never listen to others advice, that we don’t want to be better.

Now I feel terribly bad and I can’t contain this longer, please I need help because if things continue like this I doubt I can hold much longer. I sincerely don’t like it here, in my grandma’s house.

Please, somebody guide me to the correct path.
 
You let her know that you didn’t find her comments helpful, and you were not disrespectful.

You’re going to run into people like this: that is, those who give feedback and advice that you did not ask for and do not want. The first step is to do what you did: Let them know you want them to stop. The second step, in the absence of some authority figure whose job it is to stop such comments, is to give yourself permission to ignore her. Feel free to repeat, “Please, Grandma, not now” and then to disengage from whatever she says that is not, in essence, “Forgive me, honey, that wasn’t helpful; I didn’t mean to make things worse.”

It is nice if you can agree and make peace when it doesn’t violate your integrity, it is OK to let her be “right”, but don’t get in arguments with her about her advice or her opinions. Let her be a force like the elements, sometimes raining on your parade occasionally, but in the end not about you but something you just have to accept. Know that you are not alone, many people have just these problems with their parents and grandparents and older relatives, and know that just as you will not have her lovable points forever, you won’t have the difficult points forever, either. You’ll move on eventually to your own place, and by then you’ll have learned how to live in peace with a difficult person. That is a very valuable skill to have developed.

Building character is not pleasant, but it is the most pleasing outcome that comes out of bad situations. Until you can better your situation, you may as well get what you can out of it. Hang in there, and spend as much time with positive people as you can! (You can think of them as your hot chocolate after having had to endure a blustery day!)
 
It sounds to me like your grandma is uncomfortable with negative feelings so when you look sad, or have a frown, she interiorly flips out and that is why she makes those comments. She also strikes me as an insecure person who takes everything personally and is secretly concerned you are mad at her.

Her response is very immature and I would find it extremely annoying as well. Sadly, rarely will a someone change due to their grandchild feed back.

I am sorry you have to live like this

Angie
 
I have a lot of this and have NEVER figured out in all these years the correct way of dealing with these kinds of situations! When possible, I try to avoid them. Avoidance is my main strategy. I know that it’s sometimes hard to avoid them.

People on the forum probably have better ways, though.

If you see yourself getting angry, can you find an excuse to step out for a minute, nicely? Can you go to the bathroom or anything to just give yourself a moment so you can calm down and not say something you might later regret? Some people suggest counting to 10 before saying anything, just to give oneself time to think and not react in the “heat of the moment”.

I start my day asking God to help me with my thoughts, words, and deeds. I try to say this at the beginning of everyday!

They say when one feels anger to pray for patience.

I take it that you feel you have no other alternatives, that you can’t stay anywhere else, then, right?
 
Oh yeah, I find it helpful to get out of the house enough, also to go to Church. The more stressed out I am, the more frequently I have to go. It’d be nice if you could go, daily!
 
A friend of mine says people give her all kinds of advice, that she more or less says, “yeah, uh huh…oh, okay” and the proceeds to do whatever she wants! She says she imagines that there is like a shield between her and the person, protecting her. She says this works for her.
 
Diana_Pacheco said:
I really need help with this situation and I would appreciate anybody’s advice. Right now I’m living with my grandma but things aren’t quite easy. I don’t like this place, because she criticizes me from time to time.

If I’m thinking deeply and I’m concentrated doing some kind of work I use to frown my face and pay little attention to my surrounding that’s when she comes and tells me why * I have that awful face*, but in a mocking tone. Then If I’m feeling bad, or extremely sad she says the same. One thing to know is that I suffer of depression and I can’t help it but frown my face when I feel sad.

Other times she starts telling about my complexion, that I need to do more exercise to have a better waist.

Those are few of many things she has mentioned to me. I can’t help but feel angry and then sad of her comments.

Few days ago, I wasn’t in a good mood and when she told me about my awful face I couldn’t help tell her: please Gradma, not now.
I did not shout nor reply in full anger, but she just got angry with me and started mumbling lots of sentences about me and my siblings, that we never listen to others advice, that we don’t want to be better.

Now I feel terribly bad and I can’t contain this longer, please I need help because if things continue like this I doubt I can hold much longer. I sincerely don’t like it here, in my grandma’s house.

Please, somebody guide me to the correct path.
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I don’t have a lot of advice but I had a grandma who did something similar to me about my complexion. I had bad skin in high school and she just tought it was due to not scrubbing or chocolate. She picked on me constantly about it. I was already so self conscience about it. Other than that she was a wonderful grandma who loved her grandchildren. A few years later. She died. And no matter what, because that was at a time in my life when I was most insecure and vulnerable, I will always remember her not for the good but for the bad. I always have a pit in my stomach when I think of her. Had she just backed off that one issue, I would have remembered her so fondly.

PS
That phase, that insecurity is only temporary. Before long I was on the cover of GQ and was hanging out shirtless at a beach gym.

OK That part is untrue, but I did turn out quite handsome if I do say so myself. Not nearly the Quasimodo that my grandma pictured.😉
 
Tell her to hold her head up higher, because when she holds it forward like that it makes her neck skin rolls more pronounced.

If she complains, mumble sentences about why she doesn’t want to be better.
 
ClearWater said:
A friend of mine says people give her all kinds of advice, that she more or less says, “yeah, uh huh…oh, okay” and the proceeds to do whatever she wants! She says she imagines that there is like a shield between her and the person, protecting her. She says this works for her.
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That is exactly how i have always handled this. My dad was an extremely stubborn man - who would never admit he was wrong - and it was pointless to argue with him - he wouldn’t give in and it would go on for days until you gave in.

So, i learned a coping technique. I didn’t argue. I just took his advice as if it were the best advice in the world - but then would do whatever I was going to do anyway.

When you agree with someone - you take away their arguments. What you do with that advice is your own business.

If you treat your grandma - not as an old lady, but someone who has some wise advice to give, she may start acting differently.

So when she says:“Diana, why do you have that awful look on your face?”, instead of getting mad, say “Grandma, how do you do it? How do you keep yourself so cheerful when you are engrossed in something serious?”

“Diana, you really need to exercise more to get a smaller waist.”
“Grandma, I don’t know how you did it. All these years - with all you have done - how did you manage to stay in such good shape?”

Now, if you can pull this off - by saying these things sincerely - without sarcasm - she may actually open up to you in a way that is not so condescending. You may find that she actually does have your best interest at heart - even if she doesn’t know how to articulate it. Or you may find out that she is a crabby person who enjoys criticizing you - but you took the fun out of it - by not being defensive. Either way, you can find a way to have internal peace with it (at least i always did)

my siblings often commented that my dad often let me off easy with things. I just replied - “No, I just realized that I wasn’t going to win an argument - so there was no point to arguing for 3 hours and still having to cut the grass or do the dishes or whatever. So I would just agree as cheerfully as I could (even if i was seething on the inside)”

And I did actually realize (much later) that my dad did have our best interests at heart. He wasn’t that good socially - looking at it now as an adult - with whatever wisdom, I now have - I realize it hurt him in his own business and social circles. It was his own insecurities that made him have to win. (As kids, I think we think that adults do whatever they do on purpose. But now that I have the benefit of living in an adult world, I realize that we all have flaws - and we all need to work on them).

So good luck with grandma.
 
shainski said:
So when she says:“Diana, why do you have that awful look on your face?**”, instead of getting mad, say “Grandma, how do you do it? How do you keep yourself so cheerful when you are engrossed in something serious?”
**
“Diana, you really need to exercise more to get a smaller waist.”
“Grandma, I don’t know how you did it. All these years - with all you have done - how did you manage to stay in such good shape?”
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BEAUTIFUL! EXCELLENT ANSWER! That is so wise! I think it would help, or at least, I doubt it could hurt!

I’m going to remember that! Thanks for responding! 👍:clapping::yup:
 
Thank you very much for all the helpful responses I’m really grateful and will do as everybody says so. Those advice and experiences really inspired me to start developing a new relationship with my grandma.

Thanks again for the sincere answers and personal experiences.
Have a wonderful day, and God Bless
 
In amongst the criticism, may be a truth you should look at. If you are pulling faces when you are preoccupied, it may be a great kindness to bring it to your attention, as it is a habit you could break.

My uncle used to put his tongue out when he was concentrating, and it made him look SO idiotic! Which was a pity, as he was in the public eye, and it spoiled his otherwise good looks, and also spoiled other’s perception of his capabilities in doing his job.
 
😛
Falco said:
In amongst the criticism, may be a truth you should look at. If you are pulling faces when you are preoccupied, it may be a great kindness to bring it to your attention, as it is a habit you could break.

My uncle used to put his tongue out when he was concentrating, and it made him look SO idiotic! Which was a pity, as he was in the public eye, and it spoiled his otherwise good looks, and also spoiled other’s perception of his capabilities in doing his job.
Click to expand...
In the US we had a famous guy who made millions and stuck his tongue out as a signature for his concentration. You might have heard of him.

Michael Jordan.:D:p:p:p:p
 
She’s from a different generation and she was raised differently in how a lady is supposed to act. She is correcting you and assuming that you have been properly instructed in these norms. It boils down to the fact that pleasant looking, good complexion, thin young lady will be popular and land a good husband. It took me years to figure out my grandparents. If you want proof, just watch some of the old instructional videos from schools 40-50 years ago.

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