Drastic decrease in intimate drive after having a baby

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Preposterone

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I am a 29 year old woman, married about a year and a half to my 27 year old husband. Ever since I had our baby 6 months ago, my drive is mostly nonexistant and it’s really wearing on my husband. He feels very insecure about it which I fully understand. It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, i know that because i often find myself gazing at and admiring him and thinking wonderful thoughts about him, and that flutter is still alive and well in my heart. My body just never responds sexually, to almost anything.

I have searched this topic extensively here on the forums and the situations are never quite the same and the answers always miss the mark, i am hoping these details will help me find more specific and personalized advice:
  1. He is a very strong Catholic husband, our views about sexuality and the family are entirely the same
  2. He treats me well, does household chores when he can, arranges time for me to nap, and helps with getting the baby on a sleep schedule so that i can be as rested as possible (we have considered that exhaustion from breastfeeding and being a stay at home mom may be impacting my drive).
  3. I do not have any sexual “hangups” about it being dirty, in fact during our engagement we weren’t perfect at maintaining 100% chastity; we fell short of that more than a few times and my physical responses were through the roof. Earlier in our marriage my drive was also good.
  4. I like my body, pregnancy didn’t change it at all
  5. My periods have not returned yet, we know it is normal for anovulatory women to have low libido, but i feel like there has to be some way to mitigate this
  6. I am able to orgasm easily, even though I’m not aroused. While the act is going on, i can get them, there’s just no buildup towards it. The point here is that it’s not a lack of stimulation or pleasure, im just never naturally interested in pursuing it.
  7. I can’t even fantasize about it, my brain is just like “blah, not interested. Let’s think about what to make for dinner instead.” Even when i have pushed myself to deliberately fantasize, it’s an effort. I never naturally want to fantasize.
  8. I may not be ENTIRELY DEAD down there, because when i accidentally see an overtly sexual advertisement or clip on TV or something, for a split second my body responds, before i avert my eyes of course.
  9. I have told my husband about #8, and he is resentful and mentions that it is insulting, that my body responds to DISordered things but not to him. But honestly it’s just that im so “sex blind” right now that its like i can only see big, bright, flashy displays and normal doses of sexuality are just invisible to me.
I have no idea what to do. I miss feeling aroused with my husband, and it’s making him feel worse and worse about himself and our marriage.

Sorry the post is so long. Thank you for reading.
 
You know what it boils down to:

#5. No holds barred.

From one mom to another, the anovulatory state of postpartum REALLY messes with your hormones, especially sexually.

Pregnant and postpartum I’m extremely even-keeled emotionally. But I literally DO NOT have the hormones that make sex desirable.

People don’t get it these days–mostly because Ecological Breast Feeding is not “a thing” and they go on ABC quickly after birth–usually at the 6 weeks checkup. Those women get artificial hormones that aid in the sexy time process.

I found a great community in EBF because they really understood how hormones worked and the extremes that the body undergoes during EBF that turn off the sexy-time hormones. They are secular, but really, they get it. Even in my Catholic Mom’s group they didn’t–because they didn’t EBF wanting to get their periods back to have more babies.

You need to sit down and talk with your husband about how this is a temporary time. You won’t be breastfeeding forever. Your little one is 6 months. Solids come soon. Extended ecological breastfeeding can be practiced, but by 9 months it’s no longer considered a form of NFP. (Not medical advice, medical fact, talk to a doctor or NFP teacher for details) This time will pass, your hormones will come back.

It’s hard for men to understand because their hormones are ALWAYS with them. They don’t have times of the month when libido goes up and down drastically (or at least not as much as a woman’s) so it can be frustrating. Just keep talking, let him know he is desirable and let him know that this time will pass.
 
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corrected since it could have a double meaning. It’s one of those things people use incorrectly so it has become “correct” in a sense. But given the subject of this conversation, it does look icky.
 
What are your feelings towards just having sex anyway?

I totally get not feeling as amorous as in the past and, as a prior poster said your hormones will normalize again; in the meantime your husband is being unintentionally hurt by the lack of physical intimacy. It doesn’t sound like sex is painful or unpleasant; so, perhaps, for now, be ok with sex being more a way to show your husband your love for him than it being something you need to be, um, super revved up for.
 
We have sex once or twice a week. I don’t make a big deal about not wanting to, but sometimes my apathy or annoyance shows. He knows i generally don’t desire it and thats what he’s insecure about, my not wanting to be intimate.
 
Preposterone said:
We have sex once or twice a week. I don’t make a big deal about not wanting to, but sometimes my apathy or annoyance shows. He knows i generally don’t desire it and thats what he’s insecure about, my not wanting to be intimate.
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It’s not about how often.

He needs to understand where your body and emotions are. You are both being a bit childish–you with being annoyed and him for not understanding that you literally do not have the hormones that make sex desirable. You are acting out of love and that HAS to be enough.

If he cannot grasp the basic biological facts of postpartum life, he either needs to speak to a medical professional or a trained psycologist.
 
This sounds pretty normal.
Sex drive waxes and wanes over time, especially for women.
It sounds like you’re still having sex with your husband.
You’re not required to feel any particular way.
Don’t focus on your libido or lack of one, don’t let it be the focus of conversation for you and DH.
You’ll get your groove back in time.
 
Remember that fundamentally our bodies want to make babies. Your libido has shifted in this priority because you succeeded. Doesn’t work the same for males.
 
Just try not to tell your husband that the dude in Wild Turkey commercial revs your engine. You will have a much happier husband.
 
Preposterone said:
We have sex once or twice a week. I don’t make a big deal about not wanting to, but sometimes my apathy or annoyance shows. He knows i generally don’t desire it and thats what he’s insecure about, my not wanting to be intimate.
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This stood out for me. I think you might underestimate how much that could affect him. To be honest I’d rather not make love to my wife at all if I thought she just wasn’t up for it or that I wasn’t pleasing her. It would certainly upset me if I thought she was “doing it for me”.

Perhaps you need to affirm him in other ways and let him know that he is still a good husband and that you still love him and find him attractive, but you just can’t really do the “sexy thing” right now.

I think you need to make him aware of the fact that there are hormones and biological processes at play here that are out of your control and he may just have to hold out for a while before your sex life gets back to being more regular and pleasurable for both of you.

In addition to that, perhaps there are things you could do together that would actually put you in the mood, obviously it might just be hormonal and that’s that. But it’s possible the right romantic setting could stir up some passion.

And just as a final thought, I wouldn’t go saying to him that you got a rush when you saw some random TV guy…that is a sure way to make him upset and insecure.
 
Preposterone said:
We have sex once or twice a week. I don’t make a big deal about not wanting to, but sometimes my apathy or annoyance shows. He knows i generally don’t desire it and thats what he’s insecure about, my not wanting to be intimate.
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“Fake it til you make it.” Meaning, don’t let him see your annoyance or apathy. Honestly, it’s not nice to let it show. No wonder he is insecure.

P.S. Please, do not disclose your feelings about being aroused by anyone other than your husband. Not fair, not nice.
 
Irishmom2 said:
“Fake it til you make it.” Meaning, don’t let him see your annoyance or apathy. Honestly, it’s not nice to let it show. No wonder he is insecure.
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Just coming from a male perspective…I don’t agree. I’d rather my wife told me honestly how she feels rather than her pretending she’s in the mood. A grown man should be able to deal with that. I mean, I waited years for sex before I married, I’m sure I can wait a few months if my wife can’t do it.
 
AdamPeter said:
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Irishmom2:
“Fake it til you make it.” Meaning, don’t let him see your annoyance or apathy. Honestly, it’s not nice to let it show. No wonder he is insecure.
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Just coming from a male perspective…I don’t agree. I’d rather my wife told me honestly how she feels rather than her pretending she’s in the mood. A grown man should be able to deal with that. I mean, I waited years for sex before I married, I’m sure I can wait a few months if my wife can’t do it.
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I understand what you are saying Adam, but obviously, people are different. In this case, her husband is bothered by the “truth,” and the OP is aware of how it makes him feel.
 
The solution to that is hardly to tell the OP to basically “lie back and think of England”.
I admit that it’s probably alright occasionally for someone to engage in the marital act if they know their spouse really wants/needs that and if they aren’t really into it. But to make that the norm seems to be avoiding the underlying issue and this can only result in resentment down the line.

If her husband is bothered by the “truth” that she biologically is recovering from childbirth then maybe he needs to acknowledge his wife’s needs and face reality.
 
I hardly advocated that she do this forever, Adam. (And that to suggest that I said to think of England really means you are not understanding what I said.) The baby was born six months ago. Having given birth to 3 children myself, I am aware that there is a healing time afterward. This situation is beyond that. I don’t know if the OP has spoken to a professional, either a medical doctor or counseling, but it may be something to consider if she feels that things are not as they should be.
 
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