C
Charlotte408
Guest
Betsy that was a very nice post, I wish I could have read it before I left last night!
Somehow I must have completely glossed over any references to ‘face-to-face’ confessions.
But I did it!! Yes, I did! I did it!!
It was nothing like I had imagined, and even more scary. LOL. I had spent time alone, praying, meditating, asking God to give me strength, retracing my life, all my sins, mistakes… I go in and the Church is packed, I take the first empty seat I see (apparently I had done myself a huge disservice by fretting out in the parking lot and being the last one in). Everyone is smiling, greeting eachother. I swear I am the ONLY person in my area alone and scared sugarless. From where I am, the view is limited and I can see stations set up around the outer edges of the pews - two chairs facing eachother and a candle on a table inbetween.
My heart drops drops to the freakn floor and I’m thinking 'Oh my GOD I go to the ONE Church that does it differently! I can NOT look some dude in the face and say what I have to say - and OMG everyone’s gonna see me and *omgomgomg *- **Run Charlotte **- it’s still early, someone will think your going to the bathroom.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it really hit the fan. My Pastor stands up, gives a short welcoming…and then says, ‘Well, since we have so many people here tonight, we are going to skip the examination of conscience - I’m sure you’ve all already done it’.
Wait - What? I had done it, but what if I missed something? Why are we rushing?! Ach! OMG This is all happening too quickly!!
Everyone starts lining up for whichever station is closest, I look to my left and there’s one not even 2 feet from me…I stand up…slowly shuffle my feet, like, twice…LOL…((you couldn’t have gotten me closer with a hot cattle rod)) look around, and realize there is a private room confessional. So I make my way to that line, which is I guess bi-lingual, and therefore, the longest. Oh well.
2 hours. **2 hours I wait in this line **- and I swear to God it is THE most craziest emotional rollercoaster EVER. I’m looking around, at people doing the open confessions, trying SO HARD to hear what they are saying, watching their mouths, trying to make out the words - trying to convince myself that if someone can hear them, they could probably hear me too and I’d be had. But I couldn’t hear them…even when the overhead music went off I couldn’t hear a thing.
Once I almost walked out, I saw a couple people walk off and knew I could slide out with the group, but my inner voice was like ’ but you are here now ’ and I thought to myself, no - I can go, I can come back next week, they have confessions weekly here…I can do it when there are less people here …less stress…again ‘but you are here now’. I swear to God I don’t know what kept me there, I have never been so scared in my life. I was choking back tears already.
Anyways, the door opened and I went in, and… I honestly can’t describe what happened. I have been re-playing the conversation/experience over and over again since last night and it was just so deep…and personal. I will tell you two things though. First, the main topic of conversation was not what I thought it would be at all. The confession was very self revealing and surprising. My Pastor said it was a very good confession.
Second - I had so much guilt, just in knowing how wrong some of the things I had done were, I was expecting a hefty punishment of some sort. I think that was where a lot of my fear was coming from. Something like 150 Hail Marys, fast for a week, LOL - I don’t know. But my penance was to read Luke 15, the parable of the Prodigal Son, and envision myself as the Son. I was like, wait, I know that story. So, my punishment, for all these horrible things I had done (I mean I had really hurt people) was to know that God still loves me?
I know that’s a concept everyone’s familiar with, but this time, it meant so much more. Again I can’t even put the feeling into words. I left the confession, snot and tears probably dripping off of my face. It was like no one else was there I just headed for the door and needed air. Once I was outside, and on the car ride home I wasn’t crying, but I was trembling, like shivering, from the inside. I came home, did my penance, said a prayer and then tossed and turned all night.
Yep, so that’s it.
Thank you everyone for your support in this, it really was an awe-some experience…
Somehow I must have completely glossed over any references to ‘face-to-face’ confessions.
But I did it!! Yes, I did! I did it!!
It was nothing like I had imagined, and even more scary. LOL. I had spent time alone, praying, meditating, asking God to give me strength, retracing my life, all my sins, mistakes… I go in and the Church is packed, I take the first empty seat I see (apparently I had done myself a huge disservice by fretting out in the parking lot and being the last one in). Everyone is smiling, greeting eachother. I swear I am the ONLY person in my area alone and scared sugarless. From where I am, the view is limited and I can see stations set up around the outer edges of the pews - two chairs facing eachother and a candle on a table inbetween.
My heart drops drops to the freakn floor and I’m thinking 'Oh my GOD I go to the ONE Church that does it differently! I can NOT look some dude in the face and say what I have to say - and OMG everyone’s gonna see me and *omgomgomg *- **Run Charlotte **- it’s still early, someone will think your going to the bathroom.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it really hit the fan. My Pastor stands up, gives a short welcoming…and then says, ‘Well, since we have so many people here tonight, we are going to skip the examination of conscience - I’m sure you’ve all already done it’.
Wait - What? I had done it, but what if I missed something? Why are we rushing?! Ach! OMG This is all happening too quickly!!
Everyone starts lining up for whichever station is closest, I look to my left and there’s one not even 2 feet from me…I stand up…slowly shuffle my feet, like, twice…LOL…((you couldn’t have gotten me closer with a hot cattle rod)) look around, and realize there is a private room confessional. So I make my way to that line, which is I guess bi-lingual, and therefore, the longest. Oh well.
2 hours. **2 hours I wait in this line **- and I swear to God it is THE most craziest emotional rollercoaster EVER. I’m looking around, at people doing the open confessions, trying SO HARD to hear what they are saying, watching their mouths, trying to make out the words - trying to convince myself that if someone can hear them, they could probably hear me too and I’d be had. But I couldn’t hear them…even when the overhead music went off I couldn’t hear a thing.
Once I almost walked out, I saw a couple people walk off and knew I could slide out with the group, but my inner voice was like ’ but you are here now ’ and I thought to myself, no - I can go, I can come back next week, they have confessions weekly here…I can do it when there are less people here …less stress…again ‘but you are here now’. I swear to God I don’t know what kept me there, I have never been so scared in my life. I was choking back tears already.
Anyways, the door opened and I went in, and… I honestly can’t describe what happened. I have been re-playing the conversation/experience over and over again since last night and it was just so deep…and personal. I will tell you two things though. First, the main topic of conversation was not what I thought it would be at all. The confession was very self revealing and surprising. My Pastor said it was a very good confession.
Second - I had so much guilt, just in knowing how wrong some of the things I had done were, I was expecting a hefty punishment of some sort. I think that was where a lot of my fear was coming from. Something like 150 Hail Marys, fast for a week, LOL - I don’t know. But my penance was to read Luke 15, the parable of the Prodigal Son, and envision myself as the Son. I was like, wait, I know that story. So, my punishment, for all these horrible things I had done (I mean I had really hurt people) was to know that God still loves me?
I know that’s a concept everyone’s familiar with, but this time, it meant so much more. Again I can’t even put the feeling into words. I left the confession, snot and tears probably dripping off of my face. It was like no one else was there I just headed for the door and needed air. Once I was outside, and on the car ride home I wasn’t crying, but I was trembling, like shivering, from the inside. I came home, did my penance, said a prayer and then tossed and turned all night.
Yep, so that’s it.
Thank you everyone for your support in this, it really was an awe-some experience…
And that is one thing I learned after my first communal penance service. I was nervous, so SLOWLY made my way to a line. I didn’t have to wait as long as you did, but it was plenty to make me more and more nervous. Now I know better and head to a line much quicker. I’m not the first, and don’t want to be, but I aim for the front half of the just so I don’t have the crazy nervous build up. 
And be pleased with yourself! You were brilliant